Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 24-30, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome to Monday, where 9 o’clock has no end.

This week is not destined and there’s much to be told.  So sit back and be patient as the scroll unfolds. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If no one wants to get close to you today, it’s probably because you bear an unsettling resemblance to an archery target.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Using two hands to lift a sword leaves your chest wide open. 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Every secret has its clues. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You generally expect too much for too little which usually makes people think your ass is cheap.

 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is going to tell you something “they” said.  Instead of focusing on what was said, you will spend more time stressing out over who the hell “they” are. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If the silent treatment is the last conversation you’ve had with your enemy, when conflict arises you’ve already begun dialogue.  

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Disappointment builds character.  So does a baseball bat, depending on which end of the bat you’re standing on.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Most people consider you to be kind and apologetic and knows that you make other people problems your own.  In translation you are a big sucker.  Man up, wuss! 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You are selfish and greedy and often times fall asleep while having sex.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Your best friend is the perfect son of a bitch which probably makes you two a pair in a pod.  But who the hell cares what people think, except all those folks who think you are just like your best friend?_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A soft behind fears thin ice. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

“A frown is just a smile standing on its head,” would make perfect sense if our feet and our heads were in reverse positions. 

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Quote of the week:  “Skydiving is the last thing you should be doing when quoting the limerick, “if at first you don’t succeed…” 

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