Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 28-September 3, 2011

Irene has caused quite a bit of trouble which warrants some humor and on the double. Lucky for you, it’s what I do best or my name isn’t Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Minding someone else’s business only brings attention to your own.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The electric company will decide when it’s time for you to sit in a dark room and think about the bullsh!t you’ve gotten yourself into.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Nobody likes a know-it-all. Today you need to step aside and let someone else do what you do better.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The only thing worse than being lied to is getting your private parts stuck in the zipper of your pants.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The answer to a burning question that’s been on your mind all week long can be found at the bottom of a bag of corn chips.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Not forgetting is what makes forgiving harder than it sounds.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re feeling a bit blue, it’s probably because you’ve been spending too much time being green over something someone else has.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Everyone thinks you’re angry today because of the way your eyebrows are connecting in the middle.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Those bells you hear ringing in your head isn’t a bright idea. They’re police sirens.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone who knows the least about you will have the most to say.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

In a moment you will see what a snob a clod can be.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

There is nothing amusing about the closing of an amusement park.

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Quote of the week:  “Don’t abuse the privilege of your entitlement of being stupid every now and then.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 21-27, 2011

You found your week wasn’t so bad given the circumstances you had.  Now that you know you can handle the deal, let’s see what’s next as we spin the wheel.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you experience a lot of resistance today, it’s probably because you’re about as subtle as a pair of handcuffs.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Nothing but good things can happen from sitting in mud and wearing raw vegetables over your eyes.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Today everyone will do everything you say and will cater to your every whim. And then all of a sudden you will wake up.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You own the last curse-out on the planet and are given three choices of whom to give it to: (1) your supervisor; (2) a relative; (3) or an airplane pilot?

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Stealing someone else’s newspaper is the first step to sharing a cell with a bunk-mate named Smitty.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Nothing will piss you off more than realizing that you shouldn’t have been pissed by whatever it was that pissed you off, because the only person that pisses on is the person who got pissed by something that was hardly piss-worthy.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is your day to blackmail someone into giving you something you want, but act wisely. Tomorrow, Karma is planning a slumber party and you are on the guest list.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Happy Weight Gain Appreciation Day! Go out to every fast-food restaurant you see and super size everything on the $1 menu.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Running in the same circles doesn’t get you any where but caught up.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

“Your all is your best,” is the answer. “By whose standards?” is the question.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today you will be a magnet to crazy people with middle names taken from Himalayan jungle tales.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You have a choice to make that will effect a lot of people that are depending on you. The wisest words you can hear right now is, “Don’t !%@# it up.”

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Quote of the week:   “You can’t be late until you show up.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

I recently made the brilliant move of taking my girlfriend to a party hosted by my ex-girlfriend. At the party, I found out that my ex-girlfriend is a lesbian. I discovered this after being warned that she exchanged phone numbers with my current girlfriend. I don’t know if I should be mad or turned on. How would you feel if you were me?  

Porno3D

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Dear Porno3D, 

If it were me, my ass would be scared. While the thought of two women vying for your “attention” may sound good, you have to take into account what would happen if the ladies compared notes about you. You drew your own first strike when you put your current girl in the same setting as your ex. AND on your ex-girl’s home field? I don’t think you thought this plan all the way through. However I am able to reach down deep inside and understand a reason for wanting to show your past what your future brought, but if you look at it in the present and future tense, the initial thought is like fashion; in one season and out the next. You could have saved yourself some heartache by not walking into this line of fire [Negative + Positive = Negative aka Ex + Current = Trouble]. Albeit it, her knocking knockers with another knocker-holder is a knock on the noggin that you couldn’t possibly have seen coming. First tip – don’t sweat it. It could happen to anyone. 

The spin on the record is that it seems like there’s firm ground to believe your girl swings both ways. Let’s be honest here. Everyone knows this is going to be the first thing any guy thinks about, obviously. If she’s into you and she’s into her, you put your left foot in and take your right foot out, you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around… Welp, that’s what it’s all about. If you’re lucky. Every song doesn’t end on the same note. 

There’s a 30/70 chance that these two gals are going to invite you into some kind of romantic tryst. You can be ready for it but I wouldn’t necessarily advise you to expect it because no matter what, you’re not going to get around them comparing notes about you. Also, if they exchanged numbers behind your back, there’s an even stronger chance that they are going to do something without you, even if that something is intended strictly in a platonic kind of way. If you want to dig deeper beneath the surface, then you should understand that your girlfriend is keeping secrets from you. If you didn’t know she’s a lesbian (although you might want to confirm that notion by hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth before spraying it on the side of a bus), what else don’t you know? What else isn’t she telling you? Where does her feelings for other women (if applicable) leave you and your relationship? 

There’s a lot of questions you can ask if you want to stick this fight out, but believe me you aren’t going to come out without scars. Your ego is already bruised. You need to treat this like any regular relationship if you really value anything with your current girl. You gotta ask her the straight up questions and get the straight up answers. No pun intended. Don’t be a fool though.  If this chick’s sexuality is in question, then the bigger question is if this is something you are able, willing and ready to deal with. “Yes,” or “no,” and there’s your answer. 

Hottywood

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 14-20, 2011

You know what day of the week it is dammit, but karma’s still a bitch as luck would have it.  Some bills may be owed that you can not pay; some hairs may grow that you can not shave. 

After you’ve run and hidden from all the stress it’ll comfort you to know that Hottywood still helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Wanting something really badly and being ready for that which you want are two different things.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A small mind gets trapped in a small world.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will spend a short period of time living in the past and may quickly realize that you should have left it right where it was.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are quick on your feet when it comes to lying, avoiding people to whom you owe money and peeing behind trees in residential neighborhoods. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s not much of a difference between always being angry and always looking for something to make you happy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Raise a glass and repeat the following: “Here’s to those that wish me well & those that don’t can go to hell!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The ring around your collar is closely identical to the ring around your tub.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Contrary to popular belief, spitting 16 bars of “Roses are red; Violets are blue,” does not make you a groundbreaking rapper.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Gym socks are the only thing that stinks worse than fear.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are only two things that have arguable rights to tell you if you are the fairest of them all: a fast talking mirror and a wise cracking homosexual.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every time you pass gas without saying “excuse me,” you will gain the weight equivalent to eating an entire loaf of bread.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s time to lube up your ankles if your ash is easily mistaken for chicken flour.

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Quote of the week:  “Somewhere in the vicinity there is a porcelain throne faintly calling your name.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months or so. And as clear as the day is 24 hours, we are not on the same page (in terms of what a relationship is and isn’t; what’s acceptable as greetings — just about everything) on any level…except sex. When I mention anything [and I do mean anything], I get labeled as being “extra” (someone who does too much). Here is an example: 

Him: “What’s up slim?” [With a punch in the arm or asking for dap.]

Me: “Can’t you call me something else and stop doing that dap thing?”

Him: “You are so extra.” 

Even in private places he and I don’t start off on the same page.  He is not as much into the “fore”  as much as he’s into the “during” and “after.”  Don’t get me wrong, it is GREAT!  But whenever I mention the imbalance, I get hit with, “…yeah it’s all about you; I mean didn’t you c^m? What’s the difference?” 

I keep telling myself  (and am told by certain friends) that I need to beat my feet and stop beating this dead horse.  …but I think there is potential there.  Maybe. 

Selfish in the City 

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Dear Selfish in the City, 

I almost couldn’t finish reading your inquiry because of all the red flags that were in the way of the words. Because there are so many red flags I’m not going to sugar coat anything for you because you’re doing plenty of that yourself. Instead I’m going to jump straight to point and begin by telling you two things: 

  1. You’re selling yourself short by entering into a union with someone you know your ass don’t have no business being with. If you two can’t agree on anything more than sex than ya’ll shouldn’t be anything more than f!ck buddies. Since he’s insistent on treating you like that then you need to make like Serena Williams and serve the ball right back in his court. I may not be a man of the cloth but I paid enough attention in Sunday school, when I wasn’t pulling pranks on the Sunday school teacher, to know that the bible says “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14)  You two aren’t seeing eye to eye and the only lips he seems to be interested in reading are the ones between your legs. However why shouldn’t he when you allow him to degrade your worth? If you don’t demand a higher level of respect now then you can’t expect any more respect later on down the line. Not to mention, given the example you gave, his choice of words are a stepping stone for verbal abuse and I’d sure as hell hate to see what follows in those footsteps. 
  1. You aren’t fooling anyone but yourself. All your friends know that he’s not the one for you and he knows he’s not the one for you, or you’re not the one for him rather. “He has potential,” is code name for “I don’t have anyone else right now so he’ll have to do.” What’s your rush? It can’t be for the emotional connection because he isn’t giving you any. And if it’s for the d!ck, you can get that anywhere from someone who would be more than willing to offer you more respect than this joker. You’re making excuses for his ignorance and inconsideration and the only one who believes those bullsh!t excuses are you. 

What you need to do is wake up and smell the coffee, drop that zero and find yourself a hero quickly or spend some time with yourself until you’ve come to grips on what it is you really want and need. Otherwise you doom yourself to walk a path of “oh no’s” and “uh oh’s.” 

He’s not tripping. He’s going to continue doing what he’s doing and getting what he’s getting for as long as you give it to him. Forget the cliché, “give ’em an inch and they’ll take a mile.” You’ve already given him one mile too many. 

Let me ask you. Do you see yourself settling down with him? Marrying him? Having children with him? If your answer is “no” to any of these questions then I don’t understand why you’re giving him so much control over you, your va-jay-jay or your character. If you don’t think you deserve better than that then you don’t need to change your situation. It’s not my place to say “stay,” or “go,” but if it were me, my ass would be running for the border because this ain’t nothing but a train wreck waiting to happen.

Good luck with that. 

Hottywood

RELATED ARTICLE:  What You Settle For is What You Get

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

My girlfriend and I recently went to a party. At some point of the festivities, she excused herself to go outside to smoke a cigarette. Ironically at the same time, some dude went outside to smoke a cigarette, too. I noticed the two had been missing for a while so I went out to see if she was all right. What I found was him smoking a cigarette but she wasn’t. As the night went on she told me that the guy inquired about our relationship status. After confirming to him that she and I were kicking it, he still proceeded to pursue her, obviously until I came along and cock-blocked. She said she rejected his advances, but I can’t help but to feel a little uneasy about her decision to remain with him as he finished “smoking his cigarette.”  

I have no reason to distrust her but I do have a sinking gut feeling that there’s more to the story than she admitted. I don’t know if I should make a big deal out of it or keep my feelings to myself and hope if in the event there is another situation like this that she will handle it differently. What should I do?  

Petty 

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Dear Petty, 

I have to admit that the situation does sound a little suspect but in my honest opinion you didn’t catch her doing anything wrong. I agree with you wholeheartedly that she should have handled things differently. Continuing to entertain the guy while he made advances towards her only provoked his ill intentions and in the end landed her in a situation where her trust should be questioned. However, since you pulled her coat tails with clean hands, you have nothing to go on. If she did try to pull some funny stuff, trust me when I tell you if she did it once she’ll do it again. You’ll get your chance to catch her in some sh!t when the time is right. Until then this is nothing more than a big ole fat case of your word against her’s. 

At this point you have one of two choices to make: (1) tell her how her actions, or non actions, made you feel, take her word to heart and then leave it alone; or (2) tell her how her actions, or non actions, made you feel and then kicks rocks based on the fact that you can’t trust her ass. Trust is 60% of an intimate relationship. Then there’s 30% for sex and finally 10% for some other ole bullsh!t. You do the math. At any rate, far be it from me to tell you what to do with your courtship. That’s a decision you have to make for yourself. This girl is someone you will be spending a considerable amount of time with should you decide to move forward with her. If you don’t trust her it ain’t gonna work, simple as that. So number, one you need to talk to her and be honest. When you throw a rock into the sea and the ripples have finally calmed, the waters are forever changed because the rock still remains. Number two, you need to be honest with yourself, and I say that for a reason. 

It sounds to me as if it’s not a question of whether or not you trust her. That’s subtly very clear. Your reservations seem to be a little more deep than that. The real question is why? Is it because it’s too early in the game for you to invest so much trust? Or too early for you to tell how much nonsense you’re willing to put up with? Or because you aren’t sure if you want to play the game with her at all? Whatever the case, given the story that you’ve shared with me, she isn’t guilty of committing any punishable crime, which begs the question of if your reservations are based on something more than a bad choice she made at a party. 

Either way I would tell her to check her baggage at the door so she makes sure it never happens again. Not with you and not with the man that comes after you, because no matter how you spin it, even if what happened at that party was a simple act of bad judgment on her part, the sh!t still wasn’t cute; and anything that’s not cute is not a good look. 

Hottywood

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Refresher Course: What Not To Do on a First Date

In this day and age, dating has become more difficult than ever, well with all the games that  people play and the stipulations for the potentialities of the dates themselves.  Some people are hopeful while others bear all on chance, luck and booze.  But if you ask me, no matter how dry your well is or how hot your crotch may be, there should still be some limitations on what should and shouldn’t be considered acceptable “dating” behavior, especially when referring to the dreaded first date. 

Today we are not going to focus on all the right things that should take place during a first date.  It’s too mushy and not as much as fun as pin-pointing all the wrong and bad sh!t that can and more often than not goes wrong.  We’ve discussed first date rules before, however during my course of eavesdropping on conversations at a few dine-in establishments over the last few weeks, I’ve concluded that a ball park figure of about five gazillion daters need to be reminded of what not to do on a first date.  I understand that there may be some that asks who am I say?  Quite frankly, responding in my best Rick James voice, “I’m Hottywood, bitch!” 

Rule #1: Don’t show up for a first date showing too much.  I’m not going to spend too much time focusing on this because I’m sure all you bright citizens (and illegal aliens – the rules of dating apply to all who ultimately wants to get laid one day or one way or another) know what the hell I mean. 

Ladies, don’t show too much cleavage (that includes back cleavage), legs (especially if your date is the size of Professor Clump, because he may mistake them for drum sticks and may possibly try to eat you using a pitch fork, a butter knife and the nearest bottle of hot sauce), forehead zits (for obvious reasons) or wear too much makeup (think Ronald McDonald or the creepy little puppet from all the Saw movies.  Your bad makeup job will be the first thing your date sees and the last thing they remember, causing you to be the punch line of all their jokes as they tell their friends what a disaster you were your date was).  Doing any of these things will change your date’s perspective of you, causing him/her to think you’re cheap, horny, greasy, a piece of meat or an extra in a rural area carnival side show.  Don’t get me wrong, ladies.  By all means, please tease!  You want to give your date something to look forward to.  Just be careful not to serve it all on a platter before time of the main course.  Everyone knows all things don’t taste as good as they smell.  

Fellas, don’t show too much chest hair (old school pimp status), man boobs (no chick wants a man who has to buy and wear more bras than she does), ding ding prints (proves that your pants are too tight and may result in your Johnson not working right and causes your manhood to stink like rotten ketchup), belly button rings, tongue piercings or toe rings (are all gay and looks stupid on a man and if you wear them you should have a drink thrown in your face and never be allowed to date again).  

Rule #2: Lose the cell phone for a while.  It’s not a good look to give the illusion that you are more important than you are, especially when the person you’re breaking bread with doesn’t know enough about you to care.  It makes you look like you’re eager to show that you have friends or overly proud that you just bought a new cell phone.  It’s also rude and indicates that the person you’re communicating with over the phone warrants your attention more than the person you’re communicating with over the table.  If that’s the case then you made the date with the wrong person and you need to take your ass back home and try again and hope like hell they don’t do the same thing to you. Also cell phone frequencies slowly causes cancer and makes your appetizer course taste funny. 

Rule #3: Tongue kissing on a first date is a no-no!  Let’s be honest, nobody knows where the hell your lips have been, much less your tongue.  Halitosis may be an issue.  Gum disease could be a problem.  You wouldn’t get punched in the teeth for forgetting your dentures, obviously but you could still get decked some place else unless you forget your false stomach or your silicone forehead.  Try a kiss on a cheek (the face, not the ass).  It’s safer.  You even want to be careful kissing someone on their hand because if no one ever told you, people do some strange things with their hands. 

Rule #4: Don’t reveal too much personal information.  Under any circumstances do you ever want to reveal too much about yourself too soon.  Very rarely do you get a second chance to make a first impression.  Do not bring up your money problems because they imply that you are either cheap, broke, a closeted bank robber or an excessive gambler.  Don’t talk about any past relationships because it will lead your date down a path of searching for reasons [through your words and actions during the remaining moments of your get-together] of why your ass is single now.  Don’t talk about your sex life.  That’s an instant buzz kill simply because there are so many red flags attached.  For example, when you talk about your past love life, you look horny, desperate, prostitutish, and often times not hot enough for anyone to believe that you’ve gotten the ass you’re boasting about.  If you must bore your potential companion with a serious case of TMI, make sure it isn’t until the liquor bottle is half empty, that way you can blame your diarrhea of the mouth on the booze and your date will more likely appreciate being drunk so they don’t have to comprehend what you’re actually saying.

Rule #5: Last but not least, don’t spend any time blatantly advertising how attractive you are.  Let your date do that, otherwise you might as well strap a full length body mirror to the vacant seat at your dinner table.  Truth be told, anyone who thinks that much of their self isn’t worth thinking much about. 

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Quote of the week:  “People are like foreign foods.  Everything that smells good doesn’t taste good.”

Good and Bad Date Music: Put It In A Love Song

You haven’t lived unless you’ve experienced a good date.  And on the flip side, you haven’t lived if you haven’t experienced a bad one. Either way, it’s quite simple to tell the difference between the two.  Usually, within the first 30 minutes of a date, you can tell which direction it’s headed in.  Often times, if the date is bad, there aren’t too many chances to get out of it, other than the usual lame “emergency” excuses; the fake phone calls; the picking of the nose; the farting during the appetizer course.  The list can go on.  However long the list, it’s all been said and done.

Unless you’re just one bold muthaeffer that flat out doesn’t give a sh*t, there is something you can do to free yourself from the torture of a bad date that’s a little less conspicuous than the above mentioned.  “What’s that?” you may ask.  MUSIC!  Just like music is healing for the soul, it’s also healing from a whack ass date.  You just have to choose the right song.  Now, music isn’t just for getting out of a date.  It sets the tone for whatever it is you have in mind.  …freaks.

Read along, learn something, and try it on your next date.  Just be sure to get in touch with Hottywood when it’s over and let me know how it turned out.  Not only am I that interested, I’m also just that nosey!

Music is for the mind; the body; the soul; and the emergency escape!


GOOD DATE MUSIC

The table is set.  The candles are burning.  The bed is covered in rose petals and latex.  Now all you need is some good music!  Check out the list below to light a fire under your mate’s bum.

Brown Skin by India Irie ~ Though India’s music is much about empowerment, she also gives you an equal dose of romance.  This song speaks of the goodness of rubbing up against sweet dark skin and the taste of chocolate kisses.  Her voice is sultry and alluring and will surely get two horny toads in the mood to ribbit on a lily pad!

 

I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry ~ Because seriously, what heterosexual man (or lesbian, for that matter) hasn’t dreamed of getting laid by two chicks?

 

 

Like a Virgin by Madonna ~ First of all, Madonna has got to be the queen of eroticism and there’s no better song to get a fella’s attention than the hankering of a girl who’s yearning to be touched for the very first time…again.

Storm [Forecast] by Jamie Foxx ~ If you’ve ever visited the hood, then you know what it means to make it rain!  Jamie does an amazing job of using analogies to describe the sensations of human ecstasy.  I believe he emphasizes the phrase, “Let me feel the raindrops fallin’ down all over my love; I want it soaking wet all over the bed…”  I have just two words for that – “High Five!”

BAD DATE MUSIC

The conversation is lacking.  The dinner is awful.  And the bed is as cold as a smurf’s village during Smurfette’s time of the month.  Seeing as how most people aren’t lucky enough to be equipped with a portable ejection seat, here’s a perfect opportunity to use music as a fireman’s pole to make that quick get-away!

I Hate You So Much Right Now by Kelis ~ Honestly, the title speaks for itself.

 

 

Trading Places by Usher ~ Although Usher sings the sh*t out of this song, and the beat makes you want to handle your business on a stripper pole, nothing turns a woman off more than a man telling her that he wants to be the bitch while she hits it from the back.

 

Get Out of My Life by Aaron Neville ~ Seriously, any song by Aaron Neville is enough to kill a mood, but can you be any more direct than telling a mofo to get out of your life???   Also, Aaron uses the term, “honey child” in these lyrics.  Call me crazy, but it’s not attractive for any man to say, “honey child.”  Sounds like someone just lost some major cool points!

Bitch Please by Lil Wayne ~ This song is just frikkin’ scary and sends all the right messages to all the wrong dates!  The song says things like, “stop lying, bitch,” “look into my eyes ho,” “my goons got guns on deck.”  If a person is still in the mood after hearing this, then your next date night should be at the local loony bin.


Now these are just the top eight songs that popped into my head off the break for a successful date or a successful escape.  I’m sure there are dozens more.  In fact, dozens isn’t even a fraction of the amount of songs that enhance or dethrone a mood.  It’s all a matter of careful pickings by the inspiration of the person who’s making you wet or causing you to dry up.  Whatever the case, finding the right song isn’t hard.  But in case you think it is, always remember that 90% of any effort is getting started.

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Quote of the week:   “Where words fail, music speaks.”

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Are You a Tithing Member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle? Rate Yourself.

It doesn’t take much to become a member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle.  With a little laziness, scandal and some effort in being trifling, you too can have courtside seats at the devil’s arena.  Just be sure to pack a water bottle because things tend to get hot! 

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You’ve shown up for church hung over from the night before.  20 points 

You’ve brought your own communion wine to church.  60 points 

You’ve hooked up with another church member during service.  60 points  If that church member was the pastor, a deacon or deaconess, add 40 points. 

You use curse words in your prayers.  10 points 

You are a choir director but can not sing and only listen to hardcore rap.        10 points 

Your church bylaws come from a Hollywood gossip magazine or some variation of a national inquirer.  40 points 

You’ve re-enacted the Lord’s supper or the Last supper at a McDonald’s food chain.  30 points 

You’ve shown up for church without wearing any underwear.  10 points 

You’ve shown up for church wearing someone else’s underwear.  20 points 

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Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle  Membership Rating  

0 – 60              You are almost but not quite a serious sinner. 

61 – 100          You either need Jesus or a psychiatrist.

101 – 160        You need to be hosed down with holy water. 

161 – 300        Pack your bags for a permanent vacation to hell!   

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 **Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

I totally hate my job.  My boss is a prick.  My coworkers are untrustworthy.  My paycheck is smaller than my waist size and I’m not as challenged by my [job] position as much as I am by the different personalities in my office.  Unfortunately I’ve had no luck finding a new job.  HELP!   

Sign,  

I Didn’t Get the Memo 

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Dear I Didn’t Get the Memo, 

I would like to be the first to stand up, shake your hand and say, “Welcome to corporate America.”  By common law, made up some place over a hill and beyond a mountain top, it’s been written that at least one employee in every office must hate their job for whatever reason.  It sounds to me as if you are that lucky employee for your particular job. 

I understand how frustrating it is not to be able to find the job of your dreams, or even that just-add-water-job to get you out of your current situation.  As frustrating as it is, there are a few possible reasons why that may be:  the job market sucks; your clothes are too wrinkled or reek of raw hamburger meat, or; your supervisor knows you are planning to quit and has slandered your name all over town.  

If any of these reasons are the case, then might I suggest you wash and iron your clothes really, really well?  Hygiene is important in case no one ever told you.  Ordinarily I’d tell you to threaten your potential employer to hire you, but in all honesty that never works out well.  You can threaten your current employer or slander his/her name but be warned that karma is a bitch!  You can also go into business for yourself provided you have the appropriate skill set, know how, determination and sufficient business start up fees (consider your waist size paycheck…your words, not mine).  If all else fails, there is always the option of sleeping on the job without getting caught.  Don’t gasp in disbelief.  A) It’s a lot easier than it sounds and B) it will save you from the hassle of coming up with a bunch of bullsh!t excuses to call out of the office for hours and days at a time.  To show you how simple it is to sleep on the job, I’m going to list a few examples for you.  After all, Hottywood Helps!  

This may seem like a whole new subject for you, but since landing a new gig doesn’t seem to be working out, this is about your next best option.  

If you happen to doze off at your desk and awaken with letters from your keyboard imprinted on your forehead, then clearly you have not mastered the art of falling asleep at work on company time without notice.  So first things first, you must know your environment.  Familiarize yourself with the daily operations of the office, the office high/low peak times and especially the office personalities.  This will help you to determine what part of the day is best for catching some must needed snooze time in an effort to sleep through the drudgeries of the day.  Once you’ve gotten the ins and outs under your belt, you’re ready for the next leg of the run.  

  • Xerox your face on the copier machine and then paste the photocopy to the back rest of your chair.  Stuff your over overcoat with old files and shut your door slightly after hanging a “On conference call. Please knock,” sign on the door so that whenever someone unknowingly interrupts your sleep, you’ll have enough time to wake up from your under-desk slumber and high-tail it back into your swivel chair. 
  • If you’re a bald guy (or a bald woman), take a black magic marker and draw a face on the crown of your head.  Place a pair of glasses (personality or prescription) over the drawn eyes. By doing this, when you cradle your face into your arms, anyone who walks by will think you’re wide awake. 
  • If you do not carry a Rogaine Gold Membership card, instead of drawing a face on the crown of your head, draw a pair of eyes atop your closed eyelids, giving the illusion that you are bright-eyed and bushy tailed.  No one will be the wiser, unless of course you are a snorer.  If you are a snorer, just claim that you are a heavy wheezer.  If you are overweight, this excuse is much more believable.  

These facial illustrations will not work if you have no artistic talent, obviously.  If you can not draw, you’ll have to use more drastic measures.  And by “measures” (plural), I mean one in particular.  Pull the nearest fire alarm!  If you hate your job as much as you make it sound, then you’d better enroll in some art classes because you can’t pull the fire alarm every day.  That may be a little suspect.  Once you’ve pulled the alarm, make a mad dash back to your desk.  While everyone is busy scurrying out of the building, you will have bought yourself at least fifteen to twenty minutes to catch some zzz’s.  If sleeping on the job is not your top priority, then you will have bought yourself a few extra minutes to search for and break into the office petty cash box to grab some dinero to cover the monies you aren’t seeing on your paycheck.  Just don’t get caught.  A few extra bucks is so not worth a few days or years in a federal prison with a butch boyfriend who wants to cuddle on the top bunk. 

The key thing to remember when following any of these tactics is that timing is everything.  If nothing seems to work for you then you ought to get on your knees and pray to the almighty J.C. and wait patiently for the tides to turn.  He won’t put anything on you that you can’t handle.  If you don’t have the kahunas to take any of this advice, then your last resort is to quit your job and become a homeless person.  That way worrying about a dead end job will be the least of our worries.  When you think of how badly you’d have it then, the situation you’re in now probably won’t seem as bad.  I guess it’s more than fitting to end by saying, “Things could be much worse.”  My grandma used to tell me all the time, “This too, shall pass.” 

Be patient.  Be persistent.  Be strong.  And be careful!  Good luck.  

Hottywood

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

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Dear Hottywood,  

I hope I don’t sound too petty with this, but I am pretty fed up with being the designated taxi cab for all my friends whenever we go out or if they just need a ride some place.  They never offer me any gas money and always seem to put me on their clock.  I hate to be rude, but enough is enough already!  Any suggestions on how to get them to stop asking me for rides?   

The Last Straw 

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Dear The Last Straw, 

I really wish I could give you a nice way of telling your peeps to stop asking you to burn up your fuel, but the reality of it is the word “no,” generally tends to hurt people’s feelings because that’s simply not what they want to hear.  Besides, how nice do you feel when they regulate the use of your car, gas and time and expect you to operate on their schedule and terms?  I’m not going to tell you to be mean.  Instead I’m going to tell you to be honest.  Gas now-a-days has surpassed $4.00 per gallon (if you’re lucky).  In some states and countries, it’s damn near double that amount.  You have every reason to be annoyed when your friends don’t take this into consideration.  Hell, that’s probably why their asses don’t have cars.  That’s one less expense for them to pay.  

If you think about it, what would they do if you stopped chauffeuring them around town?   I’ll tell you what they’d do.  They’d either catch a bus (which is not free) or a cab (which is so not free unless they’re cab hopping…and then they run the risk of paying with their lives, especially if they’re catching a cab in the hood or the Hispanic part of town) or they’d sprout wings.  And let’s face it, if they sprouted wings they wouldn’t have a need to ask you for a ride because A) they’d be able to fly, B) would be getting paid some major bones from the media or some side show for being the only human(s) on the planet who have wings and/or C) be locked up in a cage somewhere because the government would be too busy conducting some kind of scientific experiments on them.  Let me be the first to say I’d happily pay you some gas money if you’d take me to see that!  

All jokes aside, if you keep on giving in and giving them what they want without getting anything in return, then you look like the fool with no spine. Being spineless is not a good look for anyone.  Make their asses walk!  Whether it’s extra hot, extra cold or extra rainy outside, I promise you they would much rather pay for a ride than mess up their fresh kicks or even fresher hair weaves.  They’ll also think twice before asking you anything because your expression of the word “no,” will remind them that you just may not be into it.  You don’t owe anyone anything.  They owe you, remember?  If you don’t want to charge them for the gas, charge them for the mileage.  $.51 per mile sounds about right.  In fact, give them the option – $.51 per mile, a flat rate per passenger fee (consider the changes in zones like a real taxi cab driver would) or the cost of at least two gallons of gas for the total ride, depending of course, on where they’re asking you to take them.  

I learned a long time ago to treat myself as a business and I’m going to advise you to do the same thing.  Doing so has helped me to conduct myself and my actions a little more professionally, economically, and smartly and has also exuded a higher demand of respect and consideration from those around me.  I also bought a couple of tee-shirts that reads:  HELL NO; BACK UP OFF ME, SLIM; and ASK ME ANYTHING AND I’LL SMEAR SUPER GLUE ALL OVER YOUR ASHY FOOT HEELS! 

Charging your folks for a ride or simply telling them “no,” may seemingly hurt them, but they’ll get over it.  However for you, in the end hurt never felt so good.  

Hottywood

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 31-August 6, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s a little ghetto to replace cake icing with mayonnaise unless you or your next door neighbor’s name begins with “La-” and ends with “-isha.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If someone pushes you, you can pull them. If someone pulls you down, you can always bite their ankles.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Working one day a year only works for Santa Claus.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone will be sick of your sh!t. And when they’re not sick, they will be tired. Now is a good time to buy some running shoes because your ass is two shakes of a lamb’s tail from getting kicked.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Beware of a bald-headed street cleaner that sniffs luggage at the airport for recreation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Being underestimated gives you automatic rights to tell your haters, “I told u so.”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

“A penny for your thoughts,” is just another way of saying your opinion isn’t worth $.02.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your success is destined to go in one of two directions: up the ladder or up the river.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

As fashionable as you think you are, all of your taste is only in your mouth.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Although it may smell like it later, the beans in your burrito is not really beans at all.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Some say it’s best to avoid fruits, nuts, turkey & sh!t because you are what you eat.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The next person you French kiss will look as if they’ve been sucking on green jolly ranchers all day.

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Quote of the week:  “People that are sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.”