Irene has caused quite a bit of trouble which warrants some humor and on the double. Lucky for you, it’s what I do best or my name isn’t Hottywood Helps!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Minding someone else’s business only brings attention to your own.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The electric company will decide when it’s time for you to sit in a dark room and think about the bullsh!t you’ve gotten yourself into.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Nobody likes a know-it-all. Today you need to step aside and let someone else do what you do better.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The only thing worse than being lied to is getting your private parts stuck in the zipper of your pants.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The answer to a burning question that’s been on your mind all week long can be found at the bottom of a bag of corn chips.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Not forgetting is what makes forgiving harder than it sounds.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If you’re feeling a bit blue, it’s probably because you’ve been spending too much time being green over something someone else has.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Everyone thinks you’re angry today because of the way your eyebrows are connecting in the middle.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Those bells you hear ringing in your head isn’t a bright idea. They’re police sirens.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Someone who knows the least about you will have the most to say.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
In a moment you will see what a snob a clod can be.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
There is nothing amusing about the closing of an amusement park.
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Quote of the week: “Don’t abuse the privilege of your entitlement of being stupid every now and then.”
You found your week wasn’t so bad given the circumstances you had. Now that you know you can handle the deal, let’s see what’s next as we spin the wheel.
If it were me, my ass would be scared. While the thought of two women vying for your “attention” may sound good, you have to take into account what would happen if the ladies compared notes about you. You drew your own first strike when you put your current girl in the same setting as your ex. AND on your ex-girl’s home field? I don’t think you thought this plan all the way through. However I am able to reach down deep inside and understand a reason for wanting to show your past what your future brought, but if you look at it in the present and future tense, the initial thought is like fashion; in one season and out the next. You could have saved yourself some heartache by not walking into this line of fire [Negative + Positive = Negative aka Ex + Current = Trouble]. Albeit it, her knocking knockers with another knocker-holder is a knock on the noggin that you couldn’t possibly have seen coming. First tip – don’t sweat it. It could happen to anyone. 
You know what day of the week it is dammit, but karma’s still a bitch as luck would have it. Some bills may be owed that you can not pay; some hairs may grow that you can not shave. 
You’re selling yourself short by entering into a union with someone you know your ass don’t have no business being with. If you two can’t agree on anything more than sex than ya’ll shouldn’t be anything more than f!ck buddies. Since he’s insistent on treating you like that then you need to make like Serena Williams and serve the ball right back in his court. I may not be a man of the cloth but I paid enough attention in Sunday school, when I wasn’t pulling pranks on the Sunday school teacher, to know that the bible says “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14) You two aren’t seeing eye to eye and the only lips he seems to be interested in reading are the ones between your legs. However why shouldn’t he when you allow him to degrade your worth? If you don’t demand a higher level of respect now then you can’t expect any more respect later on down the line. Not to mention, given the example you gave, his choice of words are a stepping stone for verbal abuse and I’d sure as hell hate to see what follows in those footsteps. 
I have to admit that the situation does sound a little suspect but in my honest opinion you didn’t catch her doing anything wrong. I agree with you wholeheartedly that she should have handled things differently. Continuing to entertain the guy while he made advances towards her only provoked his ill intentions and in the end landed her in a situation where her trust should be questioned. However, since you pulled her coat tails with clean hands, you have nothing to go on. If she did try to pull some funny stuff, trust me when I tell you if she did it once she’ll do it again. You’ll get your chance to catch her in some sh!t when the time is right. Until then this is nothing more than a big ole fat case of your word against her’s. 
In this day and age, dating has become more difficult than ever, well with all the games that people play and the stipulations for the potentialities of the dates themselves. Some people are hopeful while others bear all on chance, luck and booze. But if you ask me, no matter how dry your well is or how hot your crotch may be, there should still be some limitations on what should and shouldn’t be considered acceptable “dating” behavior, especially when referring to the dreaded first date. 
Ladies, don’t show too much cleavage (that includes back cleavage), legs (especially if your date is the size of Professor Clump, because he may mistake them for drum sticks and may possibly try to eat you using a pitch fork, a butter knife and the nearest bottle of hot sauce), forehead zits (for obvious reasons) or wear too much makeup (think Ronald McDonald or the creepy little puppet from all the Saw movies. Your bad makeup job will be the first thing your date sees and the last thing they remember, causing you to be the punch line of all their jokes as they tell their friends what a disaster 
Fellas, don’t show too much chest hair (old school pimp status), man boobs (no chick wants a man who has to buy and wear more bras than she does), ding ding prints (proves that your pants are too tight and may result in your Johnson not working right and causes your manhood to stink like rotten ketchup), belly button rings, tongue piercings or toe rings (are all gay and looks stupid on a man and if you wear them you should have a drink thrown in your face and never be allowed to date again). 
Rule #3:
Rule #4:
Rule #5:
You haven’t lived unless you’ve experienced a good date. And on the flip side, you haven’t lived if you haven’t experienced a bad one. Either way, it’s quite simple to tell the difference between the two. Usually, within the first 30 minutes of a date, you can tell which direction it’s headed in. Often times, if the date is bad, there aren’t too many chances to get out of it, other than the usual lame “emergency” excuses; the fake phone calls; the picking of the nose; the farting during the appetizer course. The list can go on. However long the list, it’s all been said and done.
Unless you’re just one bold muthaeffer that flat out doesn’t give a sh*t, there is something you can do to free yourself from the torture of a bad date that’s a little less conspicuous than the above mentioned. “What’s that?” you may ask. MUSIC! Just like music is healing for the soul, it’s also healing from a whack ass date. You just have to choose the right song. Now, music isn’t just for getting out of a date. It sets the tone for whatever it is you have in mind. …freaks.
Brown Skin by India Irie ~ Though India’s music is much about empowerment, she also gives you an equal dose of romance. This song speaks of the goodness of rubbing up against sweet dark skin and the taste of chocolate kisses. Her voice is sultry and alluring and will surely get two horny toads in the mood to ribbit on a lily pad!
Get Out of My Life by Aaron Neville ~ Seriously, any song by Aaron Neville is enough to kill a mood, but can you be any more direct than telling a mofo to get out of your life??? Also, Aaron uses the term, “honey child” in these lyrics. Call me crazy, but it’s not attractive for any man to say, “honey child.” Sounds like someone just lost some major cool points!
I would like to be the first to stand up, shake your hand and say, “Welcome to corporate America.” By common law, made up some place over a hill and beyond a mountain top, it’s been written that at least one employee in every office must hate their job for whatever reason. It sounds to me as if you are that lucky employee for your particular job. 
I really wish I could give you a nice way of telling your peeps to stop asking you to burn up your fuel, but the reality of it is the word “no,” generally tends to hurt people’s feelings because that’s simply not what they want to hear. Besides, how nice do you feel when they regulate the use of your car, gas and time and expect you to operate on their schedule and terms? I’m not going to tell you to be mean. Instead I’m going to tell you to be honest. Gas now-a-days has surpassed $4.00 per gallon (if you’re lucky). In some states and countries, it’s damn near double that amount. You have every reason to be annoyed when your friends don’t take this into consideration. Hell, that’s probably why their asses don’t have cars. That’s one less expense for them to pay. 
When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of? 
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