When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s a little ghetto to replace cake icing with mayonnaise unless you or your next door neighbor’s name begins with “La-” and ends with “-isha.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If someone pushes you, you can pull them. If someone pulls you down, you can always bite their ankles.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Working one day a year only works for Santa Claus.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone will be sick of your sh!t. And when they’re not sick, they will be tired. Now is a good time to buy some running shoes because your ass is two shakes of a lamb’s tail from getting kicked.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Beware of a bald-headed street cleaner that sniffs luggage at the airport for recreation.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Being underestimated gives you automatic rights to tell your haters, “I told u so.”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

“A penny for your thoughts,” is just another way of saying your opinion isn’t worth $.02.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Your success is destined to go in one of two directions: up the ladder or up the river.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

As fashionable as you think you are, all of your taste is only in your mouth.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Although it may smell like it later, the beans in your burrito is not really beans at all.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Some say it’s best to avoid fruits, nuts, turkey & sh!t because you are what you eat.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The next person you French kiss will look as if they’ve been sucking on green jolly ranchers all day.

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Quote of the week:  “People that are sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.”