When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?
HOTTYWOOD!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It’s a little ghetto to replace cake icing with mayonnaise unless you or your next door neighbor’s name begins with “La-” and ends with “-isha.”
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If someone pushes you, you can pull them. If someone pulls you down, you can always bite their ankles.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Working one day a year only works for Santa Claus.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Someone will be sick of your sh!t. And when they’re not sick, they will be tired. Now is a good time to buy some running shoes because your ass is two shakes of a lamb’s tail from getting kicked.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Beware of a bald-headed street cleaner that sniffs luggage at the airport for recreation.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Being underestimated gives you automatic rights to tell your haters, “I told u so.”
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
“A penny for your thoughts,” is just another way of saying your opinion isn’t worth $.02.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Your success is destined to go in one of two directions: up the ladder or up the river.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
As fashionable as you think you are, all of your taste is only in your mouth.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Although it may smell like it later, the beans in your burrito is not really beans at all.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Some say it’s best to avoid fruits, nuts, turkey & sh!t because you are what you eat.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The next person you French kiss will look as if they’ve been sucking on green jolly ranchers all day.
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Quote of the week: “People that are sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.”
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