This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood,  

I totally hate my job.  My boss is a prick.  My coworkers are untrustworthy.  My paycheck is smaller than my waist size and I’m not as challenged by my [job] position as much as I am by the different personalities in my office.  Unfortunately I’ve had no luck finding a new job.  HELP!   

Sign,  

I Didn’t Get the Memo 

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Dear I Didn’t Get the Memo, 

I would like to be the first to stand up, shake your hand and say, “Welcome to corporate America.”  By common law, made up some place over a hill and beyond a mountain top, it’s been written that at least one employee in every office must hate their job for whatever reason.  It sounds to me as if you are that lucky employee for your particular job. 

I understand how frustrating it is not to be able to find the job of your dreams, or even that just-add-water-job to get you out of your current situation.  As frustrating as it is, there are a few possible reasons why that may be:  the job market sucks; your clothes are too wrinkled or reek of raw hamburger meat, or; your supervisor knows you are planning to quit and has slandered your name all over town.  

If any of these reasons are the case, then might I suggest you wash and iron your clothes really, really well?  Hygiene is important in case no one ever told you.  Ordinarily I’d tell you to threaten your potential employer to hire you, but in all honesty that never works out well.  You can threaten your current employer or slander his/her name but be warned that karma is a bitch!  You can also go into business for yourself provided you have the appropriate skill set, know how, determination and sufficient business start up fees (consider your waist size paycheck…your words, not mine).  If all else fails, there is always the option of sleeping on the job without getting caught.  Don’t gasp in disbelief.  A) It’s a lot easier than it sounds and B) it will save you from the hassle of coming up with a bunch of bullsh!t excuses to call out of the office for hours and days at a time.  To show you how simple it is to sleep on the job, I’m going to list a few examples for you.  After all, Hottywood Helps!  

This may seem like a whole new subject for you, but since landing a new gig doesn’t seem to be working out, this is about your next best option.  

If you happen to doze off at your desk and awaken with letters from your keyboard imprinted on your forehead, then clearly you have not mastered the art of falling asleep at work on company time without notice.  So first things first, you must know your environment.  Familiarize yourself with the daily operations of the office, the office high/low peak times and especially the office personalities.  This will help you to determine what part of the day is best for catching some must needed snooze time in an effort to sleep through the drudgeries of the day.  Once you’ve gotten the ins and outs under your belt, you’re ready for the next leg of the run.  

  • Xerox your face on the copier machine and then paste the photocopy to the back rest of your chair.  Stuff your over overcoat with old files and shut your door slightly after hanging a “On conference call. Please knock,” sign on the door so that whenever someone unknowingly interrupts your sleep, you’ll have enough time to wake up from your under-desk slumber and high-tail it back into your swivel chair. 
  • If you’re a bald guy (or a bald woman), take a black magic marker and draw a face on the crown of your head.  Place a pair of glasses (personality or prescription) over the drawn eyes. By doing this, when you cradle your face into your arms, anyone who walks by will think you’re wide awake. 
  • If you do not carry a Rogaine Gold Membership card, instead of drawing a face on the crown of your head, draw a pair of eyes atop your closed eyelids, giving the illusion that you are bright-eyed and bushy tailed.  No one will be the wiser, unless of course you are a snorer.  If you are a snorer, just claim that you are a heavy wheezer.  If you are overweight, this excuse is much more believable.  

These facial illustrations will not work if you have no artistic talent, obviously.  If you can not draw, you’ll have to use more drastic measures.  And by “measures” (plural), I mean one in particular.  Pull the nearest fire alarm!  If you hate your job as much as you make it sound, then you’d better enroll in some art classes because you can’t pull the fire alarm every day.  That may be a little suspect.  Once you’ve pulled the alarm, make a mad dash back to your desk.  While everyone is busy scurrying out of the building, you will have bought yourself at least fifteen to twenty minutes to catch some zzz’s.  If sleeping on the job is not your top priority, then you will have bought yourself a few extra minutes to search for and break into the office petty cash box to grab some dinero to cover the monies you aren’t seeing on your paycheck.  Just don’t get caught.  A few extra bucks is so not worth a few days or years in a federal prison with a butch boyfriend who wants to cuddle on the top bunk. 

The key thing to remember when following any of these tactics is that timing is everything.  If nothing seems to work for you then you ought to get on your knees and pray to the almighty J.C. and wait patiently for the tides to turn.  He won’t put anything on you that you can’t handle.  If you don’t have the kahunas to take any of this advice, then your last resort is to quit your job and become a homeless person.  That way worrying about a dead end job will be the least of our worries.  When you think of how badly you’d have it then, the situation you’re in now probably won’t seem as bad.  I guess it’s more than fitting to end by saying, “Things could be much worse.”  My grandma used to tell me all the time, “This too, shall pass.” 

Be patient.  Be persistent.  Be strong.  And be careful!  Good luck.  

Hottywood

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