It doesn’t take much to become a member of Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle. With a little laziness, scandal and some effort in being trifling, you too can have courtside seats at the devil’s arena. Just be sure to pack a water bottle because things tend to get hot!
You’ve shown up for church hung over from the night before. 20 points
You’ve brought your own communion wine to church. 60 points
You’ve hooked up with another church member during service. 60 points If that church member was the pastor, a deacon or deaconess, add 40 points.
You use curse words in your prayers. 10 points
You are a choir director but can not sing and only listen to hardcore rap. 10 points
Your church bylaws come from a Hollywood gossip magazine or some variation of a national inquirer. 40 points
You’ve re-enacted the Lord’s supper or the Last supper at a McDonald’s food chain. 30 points
You’ve shown up for church without wearing any underwear. 10 points
You’ve shown up for church wearing someone else’s underwear. 20 points
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Holy Hood Church of Mount Mattress Bedside Tabernacle Membership Rating
0 – 60 You are almost but not quite a serious sinner.
61 – 100 You either need Jesus or a psychiatrist.
101 – 160 You need to be hosed down with holy water.
161 – 300 Pack your bags for a permanent vacation to hell!
- Let the People of the Church Say, “Amen!”
- Mount Mattress Beside Tabernacle’s Sunday Worship Guide and Church Announcements
**Let us all remember that a church that prays together stays together.**