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I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months or so. And as clear as the day is 24 hours, we are not on the same page (in terms of what a relationship is and isn’t; what’s acceptable as greetings — just about everything) on any level…except sex. When I mention anything [and I do mean anything], I get labeled as being “extra” (someone who does too much). Here is an example:
Him: “What’s up slim?” [With a punch in the arm or asking for dap.]
Me: “Can’t you call me something else and stop doing that dap thing?”
Him: “You are so extra.”
Even in private places he and I don’t start off on the same page. He is not as much into the “fore” as much as he’s into the “during” and “after.” Don’t get me wrong, it is GREAT! But whenever I mention the imbalance, I get hit with, “…yeah it’s all about you; I mean didn’t you c^m? What’s the difference?”
I keep telling myself (and am told by certain friends) that I need to beat my feet and stop beating this dead horse. …but I think there is potential there. Maybe.
Selfish in the City
Dear Selfish in the City,
I almost couldn’t finish reading your inquiry because of all the red flags that were in the way of the words. Because there are so many red flags I’m not going to sugar coat anything for you because you’re doing plenty of that yourself. Instead I’m going to jump straight to point and begin by telling you two things:
- You’re selling yourself short by entering into a union with someone you know your ass don’t have no business being with. If you two can’t agree on anything more than sex than ya’ll shouldn’t be anything more than f!ck buddies. Since he’s insistent on treating you like that then you need to make like Serena Williams and serve the ball right back in his court. I may not be a man of the cloth but I paid enough attention in Sunday school, when I wasn’t pulling pranks on the Sunday school teacher, to know that the bible says “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship has righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14) You two aren’t seeing eye to eye and the only lips he seems to be interested in reading are the ones between your legs. However why shouldn’t he when you allow him to degrade your worth? If you don’t demand a higher level of respect now then you can’t expect any more respect later on down the line. Not to mention, given the example you gave, his choice of words are a stepping stone for verbal abuse and I’d sure as hell hate to see what follows in those footsteps.
- You aren’t fooling anyone but yourself. All your friends know that he’s not the one for you and he knows he’s not the one for you, or you’re not the one for him rather. “He has potential,” is code name for “I don’t have anyone else right now so he’ll have to do.” What’s your rush? It can’t be for the emotional connection because he isn’t giving you any. And if it’s for the d!ck, you can get that anywhere from someone who would be more than willing to offer you more respect than this joker. You’re making excuses for his ignorance and inconsideration and the only one who believes those bullsh!t excuses are you.
What you need to do is wake up and smell the coffee, drop that zero and find yourself a hero quickly or spend some time with yourself until you’ve come to grips on what it is you really want and need. Otherwise you doom yourself to walk a path of “oh no’s” and “uh oh’s.”
He’s not tripping. He’s going to continue doing what he’s doing and getting what he’s getting for as long as you give it to him. Forget the cliché, “give ’em an inch and they’ll take a mile.” You’ve already given him one mile too many.
Let me ask you. Do you see yourself settling down with him? Marrying him? Having children with him? If your answer is “no” to any of these questions then I don’t understand why you’re giving him so much control over you, your va-jay-jay or your character. If you don’t think you deserve better than that then you don’t need to change your situation. It’s not my place to say “stay,” or “go,” but if it were me, my ass would be running for the border because this ain’t nothing but a train wreck waiting to happen.
Good luck with that.
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