Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of August 14-20, 2011

You know what day of the week it is dammit, but karma’s still a bitch as luck would have it.  Some bills may be owed that you can not pay; some hairs may grow that you can not shave. 

After you’ve run and hidden from all the stress it’ll comfort you to know that Hottywood still helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Wanting something really badly and being ready for that which you want are two different things.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A small mind gets trapped in a small world.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will spend a short period of time living in the past and may quickly realize that you should have left it right where it was.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You are quick on your feet when it comes to lying, avoiding people to whom you owe money and peeing behind trees in residential neighborhoods. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s not much of a difference between always being angry and always looking for something to make you happy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Raise a glass and repeat the following: “Here’s to those that wish me well & those that don’t can go to hell!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The ring around your collar is closely identical to the ring around your tub.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Contrary to popular belief, spitting 16 bars of “Roses are red; Violets are blue,” does not make you a groundbreaking rapper.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Gym socks are the only thing that stinks worse than fear.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There are only two things that have arguable rights to tell you if you are the fairest of them all: a fast talking mirror and a wise cracking homosexual.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Every time you pass gas without saying “excuse me,” you will gain the weight equivalent to eating an entire loaf of bread.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

It’s time to lube up your ankles if your ash is easily mistaken for chicken flour.

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Quote of the week:  “Somewhere in the vicinity there is a porcelain throne faintly calling your name.”

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