Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 4-10, 2011

Labor Day may bring a day off but the fate of one’s luck never rests. And out of the many horoscopes and palm readers there are, no one warns you better than Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You may be a fool many times but don’t be the same fool twice.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Prepare for battle. A small tribe of pimples is in search of a place to colonize somewhere on your face.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Not rising to the level of expectation is the estranged sibling to falling to the level of training.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next door neighbor is not a person. It is a looped recording of a barking dog, a radio station full of static and a cell phone that belches every time it rings.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

No one believes your under clothes were beige when you first bought them.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

No good comes to one that is ignorant of both himself and is enemy.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Good fortune will find its way to you tomorrow morning at 11:52 if at that exact moment you drop your pants and run around in circles as if your hair is on fire.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you can win first and then go to battle, you know something that everyone else doesn’t.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s bad luck for your kisses to taste like the backside of a pair of boxer briefs.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There are three steps in the process of a mistake. The first is making it. The second is realizing it, and the third is finding someone else to blame it on.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You might as well stand and fight because if you run, you only die tired.

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Quote of the week:   “No mind not thinks no thoughts about no things.”

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