Labor Day may bring a day off but the fate of one’s luck never rests. And out of the many horoscopes and palm readers there are, no one warns you better than Hottywood Helps!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.Â
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You may be a fool many times but don’t be the same fool twice.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Prepare for battle. A small tribe of pimples is in search of a place to colonize somewhere on your face.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Not rising to the level of expectation is the estranged sibling to falling to the level of training.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your next door neighbor is not a person. It is a looped recording of a barking dog, a radio station full of static and a cell phone that belches every time it rings.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Victory is reserved for those who are willing to pay its price.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
No one believes your under clothes were beige when you first bought them.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
No good comes to one that is ignorant of both himself and is enemy.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Good fortune will find its way to you tomorrow morning at 11:52 if at that exact moment you drop your pants and run around in circles as if your hair is on fire.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you can win first and then go to battle, you know something that everyone else doesn’t.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
It’s bad luck for your kisses to taste like the backside of a pair of boxer briefs.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
There are three steps in the process of a mistake. The first is making it. The second is realizing it, and the third is finding someone else to blame it on.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You might as well stand and fight because if you run, you only die tired.
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Quote of the week:Â Â Â “No mind not thinks no thoughts about no things.”
