Monday is here. Now what are you going to do when on a silver platter bad luck is served to you? You may run and you may scream but when you’re wide awake it’s hard to wake up from a bad dream. Lucky for you humor is what I do best. When the odds are against you, Hottywood Helps!
Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The root of all evil begins in the stall of a public bathroom.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
It’s not exactly a compliment if the only thing anyone remembers about you is the ash on your elbows.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
A wise and arguably jealous ugly person once said, “good looks aren’t enough.”
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
At the end of the week you may find the love of your life begging for change in front of a liquor store, which will either challenge or question your definition of “the love of your life.”
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
In everyone’s life there is a teacher who can be bribed with lunch.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Someone with CRS (Can’t Remember Sh*t) Syndrome will forget they cursed you out. Because of their condition you are in store for a second curse out for the first time again.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Underwear filled with cat hair causes great irritation in two of the most sensitive areas on your body.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
An imaginary friend will put you in your place because a real friend won’t have the nerve to do it.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is not intuition. It’s a gas bubble.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
You will almost find a psychic romantic partner, but they will leave you before you meet.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Scratching your head is a great vacation from scratching your ass.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Imitation is a form of flattery after it stops being creepy and unimaginative.
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Quote of the week: “Everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s to serve as a bad example.”
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