Monday is here.  Now what are you going to do when on a silver platter bad luck is served to you?  You may run and you may scream but when you’re wide awake it’s hard to wake up from a bad dream.  Lucky for you humor is what I do best.  When the odds are against you, Hottywood Helps! 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The root of all evil begins in the stall of a public bathroom.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s not exactly a compliment if the only thing anyone remembers about you is the ash on your elbows.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A wise and arguably jealous ugly person once said, “good looks aren’t enough.”

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

At the end of the week you may find the love of your life begging for change in front of a liquor store, which will either challenge or question your definition of “the love of your life.”

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

In everyone’s life there is a teacher who can be bribed with lunch.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone with CRS (Can’t Remember Sh*t) Syndrome will forget they cursed you out. Because of their condition you are in store for a second curse out for the first time again.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Underwear filled with cat hair causes great irritation in two of the most sensitive areas on your body.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An imaginary friend will put you in your place because a real friend won’t have the nerve to do it.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is not intuition.  It’s a gas bubble. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will almost find a psychic romantic partner, but they will leave you before you meet. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Scratching your head is a great vacation from scratching your ass.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Imitation is a form of flattery after it stops being creepy and unimaginative.

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Quote of the week:  “Everyone has a purpose in life, even if it’s to serve as a bad example.”