Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 18-24, 2011

Here we are to you know when and what happens now is better than what happened then. Although sh*t will happen much if it could, it’ll all be all right with some insight from Hottywood.

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Covering one lie with another is like covering bad meat with gravy.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Every Pizza Hut across the country will have a shortage of dough, limiting your menu choices to a cup of cheese & an IOU.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You’ve had a rough night if the reflection in your mirror looks like Flavor Flav.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Out of seven billion people on the planet, no one has any business chasing after the one who doesn’t want to be caught.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

An obese midget named Bertha is going to flirt with you right after her jazzercize class while still wearing a thong leotard.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The common denominator of five failed relationships is you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The reason why people keep asking you where you’re going is because they know the places you’ve been.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

People who speak out of their ass talk a lot of sh*t.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Slapping a McDonald’s cashier is unethical and probably illegal, but arguably therapeutic.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Finding the love of your life is easier than you think if you show a little chest hair and butt fat.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You feel slow and sleepy today, and that could mean that you’re finding it harder than usual to pay attention. In other words today is no different than any other day.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

When speaking to people today, let your eyes do the talking. Yellow teeth is a conversation distraction.

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Quote of the week:   “If you think too much about the past, you’ll never be able to look to the future.”

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