Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 25-October 1, 2011

When you’ve run out of “woulds,” and “shoulds,” and “coulds…” who’s the first person you think of?   

HOTTYWOOD!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

There’s nothing better or worse than getting what you asked for.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised to discover that a list full of rules that don’t apply to you doesn’t exist.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

All that self-promotion you’re doing will be seen as false advertisement if you’re not careful.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

If you can answer the question of what a crazy person, an empty stomach, and an unpaid electric bill all have in common, a three-legged puppy will be born with four legs and ½ a nose.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You have six months to mind your own business and six months to stop minding everyone else’s. You do the math.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You have not lived unless you’ve almost died inside a room full of people who decide to release farts that explode like balloons full of meat all at the same time.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

For the next 72 hours you are challenged to be the person you pretend to be on Facebook and Twitter.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Today you need to go far, far away. That is all.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If ever there were a time for your phone to turn into a skateboard, it would be today.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

In your next life, you will return as an encyclopedia salesman located somewhere deep in a small Bolivian village, cursed with the taste of stale bread on your tongue.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today’s a good of a day as any to expose yourself in public.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If all of your exes are trying to get back with you all of a sudden, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a confirmation that summer’s over.

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Quote of the week:   “You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can’t make him think.”

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One thought on “Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of September 25-October 1, 2011

  1. Pingback: Tired Fatigue

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