Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

 

Dear Hottywood,  

For the past two weeks, I’ve been having a telephone relationship with a guy that I used to date some odd years ago.  He told me that he’s been thinking about me lately and wanted to fire up that old spark.  Over the course of time, we’ve not seen each other face to face and our telephone calls are scheduled to twice a day (8am and 5pm).  I’ve made suggestions for us to get together, but he seems to be full of excuses of why that’s not happened yet.  Is this even worth my time?   

Stopped Watch 

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Dear Stopped Watch, 

I don’t want to tell you that maintaining this kind of relationship is not worth your time.  There’s no telling how love will find you, although most of the people that I know who limit their relationships to [only] a telephone are inmates at a state penitentiary.  

On the real, you need to nip this problem in the bud.  You have allowed this mystery man to set the standard for your personal association.  By condoning his absent behavior you’ve inadvertently agreed that you are happy with the direction your love life is taking in regards to and with him.  To make matters worse, you’ve put yourself on reserve.  You have given him the authority to decide when the right time to be bothered with you will be.  If he has that much control over you with only the use of only a telephone – landline or cell – imagine the grips of his confine when you two actually meet in person.  That’s a recipe for disaster waiting to burn.  I don’t believe you’re just that lonely and have nothing but time to sit around and wait for someone to think about being interested in you.  If your securities were that low you wouldn’t have bothered writing for any advice. 

One important thing you should remember is “people make time for the things they want.”  If you’ve made suggestions to take your relationship to the next level, with no successful end results, you are left to assume that this guy is either not as serious as he’s leading you to believe, has something to hide, or has a hideous infectious zit somewhere very noticeable on his face.  If waiting for him to decide when he wants to see you isn’t enough to turn you off, that zit will surely be a Debbie Downer.  

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about putting a time check on this relationship.  Long distance relationships, especially when local, eventually grow tiresome, and the novelty of sugar-coated words quickly wears off.  The hardest part of the process is getting reacquainted with yourself once the void of his voice has been lost somewhere in Whateverville

If you can’t wait for the phone calls to wean off, then stop making yourself available for him.  Tell him you are worth more than $.10 per minute, followed by where he can stick those dimes.  Just note if you choose to end the charade instead of letting it dissipate on its own, he will most likely toss the blame at you like a chicken wing at a junior high school cafeteria food fight, which isn’t all bad.  Everything that involves chicken wings end on a high note. 

Hottywood   

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

  

Dear Hottywood,

Last week I went on a disastrous blind date with a guy my mother set me up with.  My mother has the worst taste in men…just ask my dad.  Anyway, at the end of the night, I thanked him and politely told him I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship.  Seemingly that went in one ear and out of the other.  Now I can’t get rid of him.  If he’s not calling, he’s texting.  What can I do to make him stop?  Please help! 

Ejection Seat

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Dear Ejection Seat,

Blind dates are the worst because you never know what you’re getting in to.  For starters, you should begin by thanking your mother with a basket of outdated prunes.  That’ll keep her in the bathroom long enough to think about how she’s ruined your social life, although with good intent, I’m sure. 

It sounds to me as if this guy is a borderline stalker, and getting rid of stalkers is no easy feat.  Fortunately for you, you’ve come to the right place.  The simple answer to your question would be to run for the hills or take a bazooka and blow the jerk to smithereens, but let’s be honest, when it comes to people who live in a fantasy world nothing is as simple as a bazooka. 

Before you can come to a conclusion of how to get rid of this joker, you must first determine what kind of a social nuisance he is.  Because I don’t know any more details than what you’ve explained, I’m going to list five types of nuisances – aka, stalkers – and try my best to give you the soundest advice on getting him to understand the concept of taking a hike. 

Ready?  Here we go. 

If the guy is a Rejected Stalker, you may have your hands full. 

The Rejected Stalker is the most common persistent and intrusive of all stalkers.  This person is obsessed with someone who is a former romantic partner or friend.  Depending on the responses of the victim, his goals will vary as he struggles with the complex desire for reconciliation.   He will try to guilt, trick, or force you back into his life to avoid termination of a relationship. 

SOLUTION:  Clothe yourself in a gasoline-doused protective suit of armor.  FedEx yourself to his home, gift-wrapped preferably.  As he unwraps the package, light a match or tiki torch.  The protective armor should protect you from the explosion itself.  You’ll just have to deal with the burn marks from the scorching hot metal against your skin.  As long you as you can deal with a little bit of physical pain and melted flesh, you will be pleased with the result of this instant bug-a-boo be gone!

If the dude is an Intimacy Seeker…well, okay…your hands will be just as full as they’d be if he were a rejected stalker. 

The Intimacy Seeker is a person who seeks to establish an intimate, loving relationship with his victim. To him, the victim is someone he  is meant to be with.  He’s usually delusional enough to believe the victim is in love with him, which is also known as an act of erotomania (more on that later).  He may interpret any kind of response from the victim as encouragement, even if negative.  An intimacy seeker may write letters, send gifts, call, txt or email his victims. He believes the victim owes him love in return for all he has invested in stalking them. After the rejected stalker, the intimacy seeker is the most persistent type of stalker.  He’s usually unresponsive to the clear and basic “GET LOST” tricks and gimmicks, viewing them as challenges to overcome and persist in demonstrating love for his victim even more relentlessly.

SOLUTION:  Destroying the intimacy seeker is easier said than done.  Even if you were lucky enough blow him to kingdom come as you would a rejected stalker, you must be a bit more persistent in your riddance of him by taking his remains and tossing them over a huge waterfall on a tropical island somewhere far off the coast of Bermuda, ensuring that the waters of that waterfall lead to an underground world of renegade sharks. It’s not an easy task, but it’s not totally impossible and definitely worth the hassle.

If your nuisance is an Incompetent Suitor, you can get your point across in your sleep.

The Incompetent Suitor desires a romantic or intimate relationship with his victim but is impaired in his own social and courting skills.  This type of stalker may be very narcissistic and cut off from his victim’s feelings (lack of empathy).  He believes that anyone should be attracted to him. Typically, he will repeatedly ask for dates even after being rejected.  He may attempt physical contact,  becoming nothing more than an annoyance most equivalent to the common cold or high intolerance for dairy, but remains as harmless as a bee sting.  The incompetent suitor is less persistent than others, and likely to have stalked numerous others in the past, now or soon adding you to his long list of rejecters.   

SOLUTION: This nuisance is harmless and will quickly stop stalking you once you drop an army of baby red ants down his shorts.

If the guy is an Erotomaniac you’re in trouble.

This malevolent being believes his victim is in love with him.  He is convinced of this falsity even though the victim has done nothing to suggest it is true.  The Erotomaniac reinterprets what his victim says and does to support the delusion, and is convinced that the imagined romance will eventually become a permanent union.  He may suffer from acute paranoia, and typically chooses victims of higher social status.  In a nutshell the mothereffer is crazy and you probably don’t want to get on his bad side.

SOLUTION:  Unfortunately, without psychological treatment, this stalker is likely to continue bugging the sh*t out of you.  Instead of aiming a crossbow at him, turn it on yourself and let ‘er rip!  Putting yourself out of misery is the only way to escape the torture. 

If ole boy is a Cyber Stalker, sky-writing is the answer to all of your problems.

Cyber Stalking is an extension of the physical act of stalking however the behavior is delivered through electronic mediums, such as the Internet and/or cell phones.  Someone who is physically stalking an individual may employ cyber stalking as another means to pursue, harass, or force contact.  Or, cyber stalking may be the sole means of surveillance and pursuit of the victim.  Don’t think that just because a cyber stalker haunts you only through intranet, ethernet and other communicative avenues, that his behavior is not any less distressing. 

SOLUTION: Post an automatic death threat to all forms of your electronic devices.  Be very clear and angry in order to get your point across.  If you need any assistance, here’s an example:

“Dear [Cyber Stalker], if you contact me one more time I am personally going to reach my hands through your screen and shove your face inside the nearest garbage disposal.” 

See how easy that was? Quick, clear and to the point. 

Quick Tips on How to Get Rid of a Stalker:

Communicate to your stalker that their attention is unwelcomed.  Relay this message once, and only once. Better yet, have someone else do it for you.  It’s not being cowardly really; it’s simply diverting your problem on to someone else.  For this instance, pass the task on to someone you care about only a smidge more than you do your stalker. From then on, sever all communication with the perpetrator as long as they are stalking you or are breathing.  

If you suspect that the stalking may be a threat to your physical safety then surround yourself with flesh eating squirrels.  Keep a fresh supply of raw meat juice and pine nuts to spray on your transgressor, ensuring to keep the squirrels hungrily attracted to the enemy.

If the suggestions above are too radical:

  • Change your patterns — stop returning all messages, paint your walls black and keep the window shades duct taped to the walls.
  • Use caller ID to screen all unwanted calls.
  • Customize your ringtone to the Grimm Reaper theme song each time your stalker calls you.
  • If the stalker is overly persistent in contacting you, set booby traps! Spikes, silver bullets and unshaved private parts work best.

I hope this helps!  Good luck.  

Hottywood

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

 

Dear Hottywood,  

I was recently contacted by an old flame, soon after learning she schemed her way back into my life (scheming, in terms of lying to and manipulating people to give her my number).  The actions of this flame is not the behavior that I remember.  Part of me is intrigued by the re-acquaintance while another part is skeptical.  Any advice? 

WTH 

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Dear WTH, 

This is a clear cut case of “Run for the Hills!”  You can’t base a relationship on a person you once knew, especially if you’ve been given confirmation of that person’s morph into someone else.  When you heard the words “lying” and “manipulating,” that should’ve been an instant red flag.  There’s no need to invite even the slightest possibility of those signs of trouble into your life.  Having said that, if there is any part of you that is skeptical about any person, place or thing, it’s usually codename for a “gut feeling” or “intuition.”  If you listen to nothing or no one else, listen to your Spidey senses because they’re usually right.  Every time you refuse to listen to your gut, it results in a serious case of the bubble guts – aka – some sh*t.    

If you want to be cool with this chick, that’s okay.  Just be cool and careful from afar.  If she manipulated her way into your realm of contacts, that’s only the starting point of what she’s capable of.  

Ordinarily I’d give you a whole bunch of other funny quips, but I don’t think you need any more advice than that.  Follow my word, listen to your own intuition, watch your back and don’t be anybody’s fool.  If you feel a sudden urge to act in fool-like ways, remember this quote: 

“Three things have been difficult to tame: the oceans, fools and women. We may soon be able to tame the oceans; fools and women will take a little longer.” 

Hottywood

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CLICK HERE to see what other people are asking or visit http://HottywoodHelps.com/Ask-Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 16-22, 2011

Some people have problems they never address and are just as screwed up as everyone else.  Luckily for them I take time to invest real talk for real people. 

~ Love, Hottywood Helps!

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, in addition to the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The problem is wherever you go, there you are. Sometimes you need to get away from yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Just because you’re in the house doesn’t mean you’re home.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The older you get, the better you get…unless you’re a banana.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The greatest room in the world is the room for improvement.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You know it’s been a long night when the bags under your eyes hang low enough for your entire head to fall in. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Hell is full of people with good intentions.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

On any morning that ends in the letter “y,” the only thing that stands between you and a federal charge is a cup of coffee.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

A stopped clock is right twice a day.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If someone had to describe you in five words or less, those words would be, “The sheep that cried wolf.”

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If looks could kill…well, never mind. 

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Quote of the week:  “If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.”

This Week’s Top Three Pet Peeves That Really Pisses People Off

Kats & Kittens, it’s time for a review of this week’s top three pet peeves.  

Over the course of the last few months, we’ve discussed everything from bad fashions to people that frustratingly monopolizes conversations with uninteresting chatter.  Today we will pin-point three of the most annoying crap on the face of the planet (this week).  In all honesty, there’s so many things that people do to annoy the hell of their neighbor that it’s kind of hard to narrow down the list to only three.  But if there’s anything that I’m not, it’s a quitter!  So sit back, grab a fattening soft drink and see if you agree with this week’s top three most annoying annoyances.  

Cheap people… 

The list begins with all those cheap asses who insist on putting a price tag on absolutely any and everything.  The first question that immediately comes to mind when running into these cheapskates is, “What the hell?”  Obviously, no one ever bothered to warn these folks that cheap people don’t get invited to parties, mainly because whoever invites them knows they are going to show up empty-handed and will most likely, no doubt, leave with a doggy bag.  They don’t have very many friends because everyone knows a cheap person is too tight on a dollar, so hanging out will likely be reduced to free fun, like the zoo, which of course is the last place a person wants to go when it’s five degrees outside or raining hard enough to mimic a baby tsunami.  The same theory applies to the dating game.  A cheap person will take you to the lowest starred restaurant on the map, or will buy you the most useless and inexpensive presents during the holidays or any other special occasion if, of course, they muster up enough change to buy you anything at all.  

“A house of delusion is cheap to build but drafty to live in.”

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 Rude drivers… 

Pulling up the rear to cheap-ass people are drivers that have no consideration for other drivers…and no, we aren’t referring specifically to cab drivers.  Though they are probably THE worst drivers in the world (next to Washington DC subway train conductors), everyone expects them to be lousy drivers.  Instead we are talking about folks who aren’t exactly smart enough to be paid for their bad driving.  For example, aggressive drivers who cross lanes without using a turn signal; or drivers who refuse to let you cross lanes even though your turn signal has been on since you started your car in your home drive-way; or drivers that drive about 90mph just before coming to a sudden stop for a speed bump; or drivers that pick their nose while looking inside their nostrils in the rear-view mirror instead of focusing on the family of ducks crossing the street; or drivers who drive slower than my Aunt Edna’s bowel movements; or drivers that practice profane road rage just before Sunday worship service; or drivers that blast their music so loud they can’t hear the horns blowing behind them or the people screaming for their lives in front of them; or new drivers; or even worse – old drivers.  You all drive me crazy!    

“Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.” 

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 People that live in the past…

Rounding out the list of this week’s top three pet peeves are people that live in the past.  I’m talking about people that have lusted after, fantasized about, pined over, stalked, and/or harped about the person you were years prior to the person you are today.  People that are in love with a memory of someone they once knew versus falling in love with the new person you have become.  Those people that want you to entertain their life long fantasies about what could have been or what once was instead of the reality of what is now.  Those folks must have left their brains in the past if they think that nothing has changed since the passing of about a hundred million full moons.  

Now that I think about it though, I guess it wouldn’t be fair to limit this peeve to only those folks who are hallucinogenic about their feelings and emotions.  We could, should and will apply this one to those persons who refuse to let go of past grudges about some off the wall, unimportant crap that nobody no longer cares about.  

“There’s no future in living in the past.”