Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 30-November 5, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.

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Quote of the week:    “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

CLICK HERE to leave a question for Hottywood.

 

Dear Hottywood,  

For the past two weeks, I’ve been having a telephone relationship with a guy that I used to date some odd years ago.  He told me that he’s been thinking about me lately and wanted to fire up that old spark.  Over the course of time, we’ve not seen each other face to face and our telephone calls are scheduled to twice a day (8am and 5pm).  I’ve made suggestions for us to get together, but he seems to be full of excuses of why that’s not happened yet.  Is this even worth my time?   

Stopped Watch 

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Dear Stopped Watch, 

I don’t want to tell you that maintaining this kind of relationship is not worth your time.  There’s no telling how love will find you, although most of the people that I know who limit their relationships to [only] a telephone are inmates at a state penitentiary.  

On the real, you need to nip this problem in the bud.  You have allowed this mystery man to set the standard for your personal association.  By condoning his absent behavior you’ve inadvertently agreed that you are happy with the direction your love life is taking in regards to and with him.  To make matters worse, you’ve put yourself on reserve.  You have given him the authority to decide when the right time to be bothered with you will be.  If he has that much control over you with only the use of only a telephone – landline or cell – imagine the grips of his confine when you two actually meet in person.  That’s a recipe for disaster waiting to burn.  I don’t believe you’re just that lonely and have nothing but time to sit around and wait for someone to think about being interested in you.  If your securities were that low you wouldn’t have bothered writing for any advice. 

One important thing you should remember is “people make time for the things they want.”  If you’ve made suggestions to take your relationship to the next level, with no successful end results, you are left to assume that this guy is either not as serious as he’s leading you to believe, has something to hide, or has a hideous infectious zit somewhere very noticeable on his face.  If waiting for him to decide when he wants to see you isn’t enough to turn you off, that zit will surely be a Debbie Downer.  

If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about putting a time check on this relationship.  Long distance relationships, especially when local, eventually grow tiresome, and the novelty of sugar-coated words quickly wears off.  The hardest part of the process is getting reacquainted with yourself once the void of his voice has been lost somewhere in Whateverville

If you can’t wait for the phone calls to wean off, then stop making yourself available for him.  Tell him you are worth more than $.10 per minute, followed by where he can stick those dimes.  Just note if you choose to end the charade instead of letting it dissipate on its own, he will most likely toss the blame at you like a chicken wing at a junior high school cafeteria food fight, which isn’t all bad.  Everything that involves chicken wings end on a high note. 

Hottywood   

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of October 23-29, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you?  One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.

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Quote of the week:   “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”