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Every night my husband sleep walks into the bathroom and never puts the seat down when he’s finished with his business. I’m tired of falling in. How can I get him to stop?
I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up
Dear I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up,
Before we begin, let me apologize for my sudden outburst of laughter. Your codename couldn’t be any more appropriate! Sadly, you are one of millions of women who have taken a dive into the commode butt first. As frustrating, and arguably comical, as that may be, please try to understand that your husband is not purposely sabotaging your personal potty experience. Men just have no reason to sit on the potty stool unless their number one business begins with a number two, or unless they are just that lazy. But when it comes to the bathroom, there’s no such thing as a man being that lazy, especially when you factor in all the steps that it takes to introduce the ass to the seat.
From adolescence, men are taught to pee standing up. If they could sh*t standing up, they probably would but I think we can all agree that wouldn’t work out well for anyone – man or woman.
If you want to get the Mister to stop leaving the toilet seat up, might I suggest you beat him at his own game? Before he goes to bed, give him plenty of beer and water. Both of which will call his bladder’s bluff and will have him peeing like a water fountain in the middle of Union Station. You may also want to feed him some seafood, specifically crabs, or any other food that will weigh both his stomach and his eyelids down. As he sleeps through the night, slip into the bathroom, lift the toilet seat and spread clear plastic wrap upon the commode. When he wakes to take a mid-night piss, he won’t see the plastic wrap, obviously because it’s clear and also because he’ll most likely be sleep walking. It will be nothing but a surprise (and no pun intended) piss-off when his pee pee rolls off the wrap and all over the bathroom floor. Nothing will annoy him more. He’ll have to clean up his mess before returning to bed, because if not that’ll be a whole other battle he’d rather not fight [with you].
If and when he confronts you about the plastic wrapped booby trap, you can simply reply to him with, “Now you know how it feels.” After that little episode, I promise you he’ll think twice before leaving you all washed up in the middle of the night.
It may seem a little far fetched but everyone has to learn some lessons the hard way.
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