This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

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Dear Hottywood,

Last week I went on a disastrous blind date with a guy my mother set me up with.  My mother has the worst taste in men…just ask my dad.  Anyway, at the end of the night, I thanked him and politely told him I’m not interested in pursuing a relationship.  Seemingly that went in one ear and out of the other.  Now I can’t get rid of him.  If he’s not calling, he’s texting.  What can I do to make him stop?  Please help! 

Ejection Seat


Dear Ejection Seat,

Blind dates are the worst because you never know what you’re getting in to.  For starters, you should begin by thanking your mother with a basket of outdated prunes.  That’ll keep her in the bathroom long enough to think about how she’s ruined your social life, although with good intent, I’m sure. 

It sounds to me as if this guy is a borderline stalker, and getting rid of stalkers is no easy feat.  Fortunately for you, you’ve come to the right place.  The simple answer to your question would be to run for the hills or take a bazooka and blow the jerk to smithereens, but let’s be honest, when it comes to people who live in a fantasy world nothing is as simple as a bazooka. 

Before you can come to a conclusion of how to get rid of this joker, you must first determine what kind of a social nuisance he is.  Because I don’t know any more details than what you’ve explained, I’m going to list five types of nuisances – aka, stalkers – and try my best to give you the soundest advice on getting him to understand the concept of taking a hike. 

Ready?  Here we go. 

If the guy is a Rejected Stalker, you may have your hands full. 

The Rejected Stalker is the most common persistent and intrusive of all stalkers.  This person is obsessed with someone who is a former romantic partner or friend.  Depending on the responses of the victim, his goals will vary as he struggles with the complex desire for reconciliation.   He will try to guilt, trick, or force you back into his life to avoid termination of a relationship. 

SOLUTION:  Clothe yourself in a gasoline-doused protective suit of armor.  FedEx yourself to his home, gift-wrapped preferably.  As he unwraps the package, light a match or tiki torch.  The protective armor should protect you from the explosion itself.  You’ll just have to deal with the burn marks from the scorching hot metal against your skin.  As long you as you can deal with a little bit of physical pain and melted flesh, you will be pleased with the result of this instant bug-a-boo be gone!

If the dude is an Intimacy Seeker…well, okay…your hands will be just as full as they’d be if he were a rejected stalker. 

The Intimacy Seeker is a person who seeks to establish an intimate, loving relationship with his victim. To him, the victim is someone he  is meant to be with.  He’s usually delusional enough to believe the victim is in love with him, which is also known as an act of erotomania (more on that later).  He may interpret any kind of response from the victim as encouragement, even if negative.  An intimacy seeker may write letters, send gifts, call, txt or email his victims. He believes the victim owes him love in return for all he has invested in stalking them. After the rejected stalker, the intimacy seeker is the most persistent type of stalker.  He’s usually unresponsive to the clear and basic “GET LOST” tricks and gimmicks, viewing them as challenges to overcome and persist in demonstrating love for his victim even more relentlessly.

SOLUTION:  Destroying the intimacy seeker is easier said than done.  Even if you were lucky enough blow him to kingdom come as you would a rejected stalker, you must be a bit more persistent in your riddance of him by taking his remains and tossing them over a huge waterfall on a tropical island somewhere far off the coast of Bermuda, ensuring that the waters of that waterfall lead to an underground world of renegade sharks. It’s not an easy task, but it’s not totally impossible and definitely worth the hassle.

If your nuisance is an Incompetent Suitor, you can get your point across in your sleep.

The Incompetent Suitor desires a romantic or intimate relationship with his victim but is impaired in his own social and courting skills.  This type of stalker may be very narcissistic and cut off from his victim’s feelings (lack of empathy).  He believes that anyone should be attracted to him. Typically, he will repeatedly ask for dates even after being rejected.  He may attempt physical contact,  becoming nothing more than an annoyance most equivalent to the common cold or high intolerance for dairy, but remains as harmless as a bee sting.  The incompetent suitor is less persistent than others, and likely to have stalked numerous others in the past, now or soon adding you to his long list of rejecters.   

SOLUTION: This nuisance is harmless and will quickly stop stalking you once you drop an army of baby red ants down his shorts.

If the guy is an Erotomaniac you’re in trouble.

This malevolent being believes his victim is in love with him.  He is convinced of this falsity even though the victim has done nothing to suggest it is true.  The Erotomaniac reinterprets what his victim says and does to support the delusion, and is convinced that the imagined romance will eventually become a permanent union.  He may suffer from acute paranoia, and typically chooses victims of higher social status.  In a nutshell the mothereffer is crazy and you probably don’t want to get on his bad side.

SOLUTION:  Unfortunately, without psychological treatment, this stalker is likely to continue bugging the sh*t out of you.  Instead of aiming a crossbow at him, turn it on yourself and let ‘er rip!  Putting yourself out of misery is the only way to escape the torture. 

If ole boy is a Cyber Stalker, sky-writing is the answer to all of your problems.

Cyber Stalking is an extension of the physical act of stalking however the behavior is delivered through electronic mediums, such as the Internet and/or cell phones.  Someone who is physically stalking an individual may employ cyber stalking as another means to pursue, harass, or force contact.  Or, cyber stalking may be the sole means of surveillance and pursuit of the victim.  Don’t think that just because a cyber stalker haunts you only through intranet, ethernet and other communicative avenues, that his behavior is not any less distressing. 

SOLUTION: Post an automatic death threat to all forms of your electronic devices.  Be very clear and angry in order to get your point across.  If you need any assistance, here’s an example:

“Dear [Cyber Stalker], if you contact me one more time I am personally going to reach my hands through your screen and shove your face inside the nearest garbage disposal.” 

See how easy that was? Quick, clear and to the point. 

Quick Tips on How to Get Rid of a Stalker:

Communicate to your stalker that their attention is unwelcomed.  Relay this message once, and only once. Better yet, have someone else do it for you.  It’s not being cowardly really; it’s simply diverting your problem on to someone else.  For this instance, pass the task on to someone you care about only a smidge more than you do your stalker. From then on, sever all communication with the perpetrator as long as they are stalking you or are breathing.  

If you suspect that the stalking may be a threat to your physical safety then surround yourself with flesh eating squirrels.  Keep a fresh supply of raw meat juice and pine nuts to spray on your transgressor, ensuring to keep the squirrels hungrily attracted to the enemy.

If the suggestions above are too radical:

  • Change your patterns — stop returning all messages, paint your walls black and keep the window shades duct taped to the walls.
  • Use caller ID to screen all unwanted calls.
  • Customize your ringtone to the Grimm Reaper theme song each time your stalker calls you.
  • If the stalker is overly persistent in contacting you, set booby traps! Spikes, silver bullets and unshaved private parts work best.

I hope this helps!  Good luck.  



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