Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The definition of a good psychiatrist is a bartender that pours without a spout.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Something special will happen in the next 48 hours if you go to the nearest Dunkin Donuts and lick all the sugar off the powdered donuts.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You are going to regret burning a bridge when your ass is being chased by a pack of dogs.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Your next secret admirer will be an ex-con who went to jail for burning down a diner in Arkansas because his eggs were too runny.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Be careful of the ditch you dig for someone else. That very ditch may have your name written all over it.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Instead of finding a $1 bill on the ground, good luck will have you find a small bottle of butt spray. What you do with it is up to you.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
An absent minded man should keep a hanger in the back seat just in case he locks his keys in the car.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
For the next 12 hours spell everything you have to say letter by letter.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
It doesn’t make sense to bring sand to the beach.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Start each conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be the last time, I dunno.”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
That little guy that turns your refrigerator light on and off is about to quit.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
What’s the difference between a cheapskate and you? One of you eats Cornflakes with a fork.
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Quote of the week: “When listing the toppings you want on your next pizza, include another pizza.”
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