Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You have more nerves than Idaho has potatoes, still someone will find your last one and get on it.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Your ego wouldn’t be so big if you wore your credit score on your sleeve.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
The language of love begins and ends with the word, “bitch.” Use it with well intent and at your own risk.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
This pay period, the amount of dollars in your checking account will be the same as your shoe size.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
The first punch doesn’t have to be the last lick.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Beware of a ham dressed in turkey’s clothes.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
To feel your best, spend more time today telling other people what to do.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
There’s no better day than today to try a bacon-wrapped chocolate donut.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
A drunk wino with skin of wrinkled leather will flash you at the bus stop. Oddly, you may enjoy it.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Today you are overly cheerful and peppy. You are the morning person someone wants to pour hot coffee all over. Watch your back.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Someone new is going to steal your thunder. Bribe everyone you know to stay on your side.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Luck would have you to get stuck in an elevator with the president, vice president and secretary of the Deodorant is for Wimps Foundation.
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Quote of the week: “’Give a man a match and he’ll be warm for a minute. Set him on fire and he’ll probably burn to death.’ This proverb is perhaps the exception to the rule that beggars can’t be choosers.”
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