Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Congratulations! You have just been elected mayor of Watercoolertown.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Don’t be surprised if your boss gives you a promotion before he fires you so you’d be losing a better job.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
There are two possible answers to one burning question: fruit loops and g-strings.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You ought to be happy when the grips of the world come after you because it means you have something to offer. Freeloaders excluded.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Try not to sweat today. French fry grease may ooze out of your pores.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The term “Different strokes for different folks,” originated in the bedroom and is now often misconstrued and taken out of its original sexual context. What a bummer.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You may want to avoid advising anyone on how to spend their money unless they owe you or you’re planning to rob them. Either way your ass could get kicked.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Beware of a dog with no legs and a rattle on its tail.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Having a string of flings does not make you a lover. It makes you easy.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Today you may find that you want to spend a lot of time with someone that doesn’t have time for you. You should smack yourself in the forehead now and smell the damn coffee.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Today is tomorrow in reverse.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
After you get what you want you don’t want what you got at all.
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Quote of the week: “Put yourself in the shoes of the rabbit’s foot that brings you good luck. Oh wait, you can’t. He doesn’t have any feet.”