Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 27-December 3, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Congratulations!  You have just been elected mayor of Watercoolertown.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised if your boss gives you a promotion before he fires you so you’d be losing a better job.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

There are two possible answers to one burning question: fruit loops and g-strings.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You ought to be happy when the grips of the world come after you because it means you have something to offer.  Freeloaders excluded.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Try not to sweat today. French fry grease may ooze out of your pores.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The term “Different strokes for different folks,” originated in the bedroom and is now often misconstrued and taken out of its original sexual context.  What a bummer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may want to avoid advising anyone on how to spend their money unless they owe you or you’re planning to rob them.  Either way your ass could get kicked. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beware of a dog with no legs and a rattle on its tail. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Having a string of flings does not make you a lover.  It makes you easy. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you may find that you want to spend a lot of time with someone that doesn’t have time for you. You should smack yourself in the forehead now and smell the damn coffee. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today is tomorrow in reverse. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

After you get what you want you don’t want what you got at all.

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Quote of the week:    “Put yourself in the shoes of the rabbit’s foot that brings you good luck.  Oh wait, you can’t.  He doesn’t have any feet.” 

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Hottywood Gives Thanks

It’s been an interesting year and finally we’ve come to the moment where we single out a day of Thanksgiving.  Personally I believe we should stand on a kitchen table every day and announce what it is we’re thankful for, but someone deemed it necessary to single one day out of three hundred and sixty five days to give thanks, so I guess I can oblige.  Why the hell not?  I’m good at following rules just as well as I am at breaking them.  With that said, let me tell you what Hottywood is thankful for.  

I’m thankful I wasn’t born in the era of pilgrims and Indians.  I wouldn’t have survived.  I just can’t see me chasing live chickens and turkeys and wearing those funny hats and pointy shoes.  I probably would have popularized “man”orexia and nudism and been made an example out of by being burned alive at the stake along side a woman with a funny name accused of being a witch.  

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I’m thankful for the police officer that let me go with a warning.  I’m also thankful for the swat team that didn’t catch me when I ran from their asses. 

The last place I want to spend any Thanksgiving is in a jail house with a bunch of men who are hungry for anything more than bread and water. 

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I’m thankful for all my whiny, needy coworkers.  Without them, I wouldn’t appreciate the time I spend away from all of my loud, obnoxious neighbors.  Especially the ones that think the scent of marijuana is as lovely as the fragrance of bacon.  You know what neighbors I’m talking about because everyone has them in their neighborhood.  It’s the family that plays their music louder than a Bon Jovi concert and pays $20 for rent.  

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I’m thankful that Lindsay Lohan finally went to jail, even if but for a short period of time.  Someone needed to make an example out of her ass. 

I’ll be even more thankful when she stops getting botox injections in her lips and gets her career back on track.  

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I’m thankful for family and friends.  Even the ones that talks sh*t behind my back and only calls me when they need something.  They help me to realize that I’m still relevant while they are not worth a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.  

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And finally I’m thankful for you because you laugh at all my dumb jokes when no one else will.  

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          HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

           

         May your turkey not be as dry as your sex life!  *** Gobble!  Gobble! 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 20-26, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t repeat anything you hear.  In fact, don’t repeat anything you say.  Ah what the hell, just don’t talk at all today. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Wearing tan pants and a matching tan turtleneck does not make you look fashionable. It makes you look like a giant condom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The theme for the week is, “Anything goes,” but don’t complain once it’s gone.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may suffer a case of mistaken identity for a rejected superhero sidekick that just escaped from police custody for mooning a group of spectators at a comic book convention in Loxahatchee, Florida.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’ll receive an usual amount of misspelled letters from a bunch of sexless inmates in a Cambodian penitentiary. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The 5 hours of sleep you wasted counting the hairs on your toe knuckles last night will come back to bite you in the ass 46 minutes after reading this HORRORscope.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sometimes when you don’t know what to do the best thing to do is just stand still, unless of course you’re standing in the middle of the street during a busy rush hour.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone else’s ideas could really inspire you to come up with your own.  But for the sake of time, you’d do better just to steal theirs.  Hiding in bushes may be necessary for your own protection.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Exercise begins with a couple of laps around the vending machine.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today is a great day to focus on yourself, which in turn means today is no different than any other day.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone will not invite you to a party sooner than you think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? 

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Quote of the week:    “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting a bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.”

The Church Sees Red When the Choir Sings the Blues

Is it legal to talk about your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when it comes to them getting up on the microphone to completely butcher a song on Sunday morning? Seriously, who is more at fault – the soloist for thinking they can sing when they sound more like they’re being attacked; the director/pianist for encouraging the soloist to open their mouth to do anything except eat; or the congregation for hollering and throwing their hands up in deceitful praise when they know what they’re really doing is praying for a miracle for the good Lord to send “mute buttons” down from heaven?

Whether you can actually sing or simply look pretty in a choir robe, church is the one place where it’s acceptable for you to make an ass out of yourself. Unlike the karaoke bar, no drunken lushes will boo you off the stage. Well, it kind of depends on what church you go to but that’s a whole other story. Church is the one place where you simply can not tell everyone what’s on your mind unless you have a biblical reference to back up your comments. And let’s be honest, where is the scripture for telling someone they sound a melodic mess?

Regardless of whether you’re sitting in the congregation with bleeding ears or with heavy eyes, your responsibility as a follower of your faith is to put on the cloak of mendacity for the sake of your fellow man. Sadly when church is over and that same musical monstrosity has approached you just beyond church grounds to ask how you enjoyed the selection(s), as a faith fellow church goer, you must swallow your burning cigarette butt, put your hand over your heart and lie like the devil as you tell Bro. or Sr. So & So that when they opened their mouth, rocks Angels fell from heaven. Whatever you do, just be cognizant of the weather when you begin lying through the gaps between your teeth. Rain, lightning bolts and the magnetic metal tip on the top of your umbrella will be God’s funny little way of saying, “The jokes on you.”

Always remember, lying to encouraging people is not that hard. All it takes is a little effort. Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started. The rest of your bullsh*t will flow like the River of Jordan.

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Quote of the week:  “A church is a place in which gentlemen that have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 13-19, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

In a parallel world, offering someone potato chips means you are in love with them.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything without strings is a bad attachment.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Five years from tomorrow you will regret something you did today.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The nerve in every human body that connects the eyeballs to the anus is called The Anal Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your charismatic personality is sometimes mistaken for [a drunk wino that talks to himself outside of a liquor store kind of] crazy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A sizzling romance will land in your lap and burn your middle section like hot soup.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The week will be rough and you’ll need to get away. Take a trip. Or…tie your shoe strings together and walk around an empty parking lot.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You want to go to heaven but you ain’t dying to get there.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A chicken mcnugget slowly dies every time you can’t make up your mind at McDonalds.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

At your next staff meeting, have a planned surprise party for yourself. When you show up yell, “Surprise!” Bring cake and don’t offer anyone any.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The upside of being at the bottom is that you get to look into the eyes of the person that’s falling from the top.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A catfight between two of your personalities is going to break out in the middle of a food court inside a mall.

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Quote of the week:    “Something is bound to go wrong when everyone thinks they’re right.”