Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 27-December 3, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Congratulations!  You have just been elected mayor of Watercoolertown.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised if your boss gives you a promotion before he fires you so you’d be losing a better job.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

There are two possible answers to one burning question: fruit loops and g-strings.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You ought to be happy when the grips of the world come after you because it means you have something to offer.  Freeloaders excluded.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Try not to sweat today. French fry grease may ooze out of your pores.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The term “Different strokes for different folks,” originated in the bedroom and is now often misconstrued and taken out of its original sexual context.  What a bummer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may want to avoid advising anyone on how to spend their money unless they owe you or you’re planning to rob them.  Either way your ass could get kicked. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beware of a dog with no legs and a rattle on its tail. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Having a string of flings does not make you a lover.  It makes you easy. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you may find that you want to spend a lot of time with someone that doesn’t have time for you. You should smack yourself in the forehead now and smell the damn coffee. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today is tomorrow in reverse. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

After you get what you want you don’t want what you got at all.

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Quote of the week:    “Put yourself in the shoes of the rabbit’s foot that brings you good luck.  Oh wait, you can’t.  He doesn’t have any feet.” 

Hottywood Gives Thanks

It’s been an interesting year and finally we’ve come to the moment where we single out a day of Thanksgiving.  Personally I believe we should stand on a kitchen table every day and announce what it is we’re thankful for, but someone deemed it necessary to single one day out of three hundred and sixty five days to give thanks, so I guess I can oblige.  Why the hell not?  I’m good at following rules just as well as I am at breaking them.  With that said, let me tell you what Hottywood is thankful for.  

I’m thankful I wasn’t born in the era of pilgrims and Indians.  I wouldn’t have survived.  I just can’t see me chasing live chickens and turkeys and wearing those funny hats and pointy shoes.  I probably would have popularized “man”orexia and nudism and been made an example out of by being burned alive at the stake along side a woman with a funny name accused of being a witch.  

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I’m thankful for the police officer that let me go with a warning.  I’m also thankful for the swat team that didn’t catch me when I ran from their asses. 

The last place I want to spend any Thanksgiving is in a jail house with a bunch of men who are hungry for anything more than bread and water. 

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I’m thankful for all my whiny, needy coworkers.  Without them, I wouldn’t appreciate the time I spend away from all of my loud, obnoxious neighbors.  Especially the ones that think the scent of marijuana is as lovely as the fragrance of bacon.  You know what neighbors I’m talking about because everyone has them in their neighborhood.  It’s the family that plays their music louder than a Bon Jovi concert and pays $20 for rent.  

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I’m thankful that Lindsay Lohan finally went to jail, even if but for a short period of time.  Someone needed to make an example out of her ass. 

I’ll be even more thankful when she stops getting botox injections in her lips and gets her career back on track.  

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I’m thankful for family and friends.  Even the ones that talks sh*t behind my back and only calls me when they need something.  They help me to realize that I’m still relevant while they are not worth a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.  

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And finally I’m thankful for you because you laugh at all my dumb jokes when no one else will.  

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          HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

           

         May your turkey not be as dry as your sex life!  *** Gobble!  Gobble! 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 20-26, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t repeat anything you hear.  In fact, don’t repeat anything you say.  Ah what the hell, just don’t talk at all today. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Wearing tan pants and a matching tan turtleneck does not make you look fashionable. It makes you look like a giant condom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The theme for the week is, “Anything goes,” but don’t complain once it’s gone.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may suffer a case of mistaken identity for a rejected superhero sidekick that just escaped from police custody for mooning a group of spectators at a comic book convention in Loxahatchee, Florida.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’ll receive an usual amount of misspelled letters from a bunch of sexless inmates in a Cambodian penitentiary. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The 5 hours of sleep you wasted counting the hairs on your toe knuckles last night will come back to bite you in the ass 46 minutes after reading this HORRORscope.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sometimes when you don’t know what to do the best thing to do is just stand still, unless of course you’re standing in the middle of the street during a busy rush hour.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone else’s ideas could really inspire you to come up with your own.  But for the sake of time, you’d do better just to steal theirs.  Hiding in bushes may be necessary for your own protection.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Exercise begins with a couple of laps around the vending machine.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today is a great day to focus on yourself, which in turn means today is no different than any other day.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone will not invite you to a party sooner than you think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? 

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Quote of the week:    “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting a bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.”

The Church Sees Red When the Choir Sings the Blues

Is it legal to talk about your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when it comes to them getting up on the microphone to completely butcher a song on Sunday morning? Seriously, who is more at fault – the soloist for thinking they can sing when they sound more like they’re being attacked; the director/pianist for encouraging the soloist to open their mouth to do anything except eat; or the congregation for hollering and throwing their hands up in deceitful praise when they know what they’re really doing is praying for a miracle for the good Lord to send “mute buttons” down from heaven?

Whether you can actually sing or simply look pretty in a choir robe, church is the one place where it’s acceptable for you to make an ass out of yourself. Unlike the karaoke bar, no drunken lushes will boo you off the stage. Well, it kind of depends on what church you go to but that’s a whole other story. Church is the one place where you simply can not tell everyone what’s on your mind unless you have a biblical reference to back up your comments. And let’s be honest, where is the scripture for telling someone they sound a melodic mess?

Regardless of whether you’re sitting in the congregation with bleeding ears or with heavy eyes, your responsibility as a follower of your faith is to put on the cloak of mendacity for the sake of your fellow man. Sadly when church is over and that same musical monstrosity has approached you just beyond church grounds to ask how you enjoyed the selection(s), as a faith fellow church goer, you must swallow your burning cigarette butt, put your hand over your heart and lie like the devil as you tell Bro. or Sr. So & So that when they opened their mouth, rocks Angels fell from heaven. Whatever you do, just be cognizant of the weather when you begin lying through the gaps between your teeth. Rain, lightning bolts and the magnetic metal tip on the top of your umbrella will be God’s funny little way of saying, “The jokes on you.”

Always remember, lying to encouraging people is not that hard. All it takes is a little effort. Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started. The rest of your bullsh*t will flow like the River of Jordan.

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Quote of the week:  “A church is a place in which gentlemen that have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 13-19, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

In a parallel world, offering someone potato chips means you are in love with them.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything without strings is a bad attachment.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Five years from tomorrow you will regret something you did today.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The nerve in every human body that connects the eyeballs to the anus is called The Anal Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your charismatic personality is sometimes mistaken for [a drunk wino that talks to himself outside of a liquor store kind of] crazy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A sizzling romance will land in your lap and burn your middle section like hot soup.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The week will be rough and you’ll need to get away. Take a trip. Or…tie your shoe strings together and walk around an empty parking lot.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You want to go to heaven but you ain’t dying to get there.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A chicken mcnugget slowly dies every time you can’t make up your mind at McDonalds.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

At your next staff meeting, have a planned surprise party for yourself. When you show up yell, “Surprise!” Bring cake and don’t offer anyone any.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The upside of being at the bottom is that you get to look into the eyes of the person that’s falling from the top.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A catfight between two of your personalities is going to break out in the middle of a food court inside a mall.

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Quote of the week:    “Something is bound to go wrong when everyone thinks they’re right.”

 

Fast Food Restaurants: Shape Up or Get Burned Down

There are two things that I’m afraid of – snakes and the people who take my order in any fast food drive-thru; not necessarily in that order. 
 
I don’t know if it’s just me, but it seems that every person who stands in that window has some sort of a noticeable defect.  Either their lips are chapped, their hair is unkempt or they have the personality of a hooded cobra.  
 
These window workers are bringing down the face value of their fine bleach-scented establishments.  They are causing us hard working, grease lovers to resort to – dare I say – dieting!  We are resorting to bringing our own lunches to work because there is no longer any appreciation for all of us paying customers and the service we expect.  We do not pay to hear teeth sucking, employee rants and the events of last evening.  We do not pay for eye rolling, bad armpit odor or smart ass comments.  We are paying for good food, good service and part of the mean ass employees’ paycheck. 
 
There is something to be said for good manners, even as the rules of social behavior apply to a drive-thru.  For example, what’s with the chick in the drive-thru window with the attitude problem?  You know who I’m talking about – the girl who chews her gum like a cow or barely gives you any eye contact.   The girl who gets offended because she can’t hear her cell phone conversation through her Bluetooth because you’re too busy trying to place an order.  Heaven forbid you change your order or check your bag to make sure everything’s accurate. 
 
Attention fast food manager: this girl and anyone like her should be fired!   She is the reason why most Americans find working in a fast food chain so revolting and demoralizing.   She epitomizes the paid non-worker, the underachiever, the trailer park prom queen and the home girl with the oversized gold-plated earrings.   This is the girl to beware of.   She is the one who will give you a sudden urge to raise your voice or drag her through the window by her dull, worn-out hair weave, all because she missed that very important class on good customer service.  
 
I say it’s time for fast food chains of the world to revert back to the olden days when drive-thrus were respected for their chic and hip idea of good quality service.   Customers now-a-days would appreciate a little service with a smile as they face an economic crisis, heavy workloads and supervisors who really need to get laid.   Bring back the days when Ronald McDonald strolled the grounds of McDonald’s waving happily at children while wearing his signature floppy red shoes and that ridiculously hideous yellow onesy.   Get rid of that scary ass Burger King mascot who looks more like the puppet from the horror film “Saw” and give us an image that will not haunt us after we’ve closed our eyes for the night.   

We, paying customers of the world, refuse to lie down and accept that you’ve run out of French fries or that your milkshake machine is out of order.   We will no longer accept the incompetence of trainees during the lunch rush.   You have somehow managed to crap all over the integrity of the fast food franchise that began way back as early as the 1930’s.  Our voices will be heard!  
 
So guys and gals, the next time your neighborhood fast food window teller crosses your muddy path with spiked heels, don’t yell at her.   Don’t curse at her.   Don’t even argue with her.   This way you’ll have a bit of assurance that she won’t spit in your food or wipe your hamburger patty on the side of the deep fryer.   Instead, take your car and drive it through the window.  If that doesn’t work, throw up the deuce sign and drive off.  No no no…of course I wouldn’t advise that you let it go that easily.  Make sure you return after-hours, when the business has closed for the night and burn that sucker to the ground!  Lighters are sold at the $1 Store and comes in a pack of five.  
 
I hope something that I’ve said has sparked you to stand up for your right to demand extra fries when a disgruntled fast food employee gives you a hard time for being more successful than they are.   Someone else’s ignorance should not be your hindrance.   If you don’t get those extra fries, crawl across the counter and go get them yourself!   
 
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Quote of the week:    “The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger.”


 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 6-12, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The condition of your life is determined by the strength of deodorant worn by the five people you associate with the most. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a word for the business of making it your business to know everyone’s business.  “Nosey.” 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If someone is uncomfortable with your bottom line, tell them not to cross it. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Going to church once a week wouldn’t be so bad if the devil only attacked you one time.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Two days from tomorrow, trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and recite the lyrics to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” in a drunken Yugoslavian accent. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is a good day to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’ face.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

The smell of a combination of Noxzema and Vaseline will attract a new love interest and owner of a yak wig or dusty toupee. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You breathe vigor, fire and halitosis and are sometimes known to have the most ashiest of feet.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

In lieu of the Thanksgiving holiday, somewhere there is a turkey trying to get into the witness protection program.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A big promotion is in store for someone way more talented than you. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Balancing a plate does not constitute eating a balanced diet.

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Quote of the week:   “Wisdom is attained by learning when to hold your tongue.”