Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The condition of your life is determined by the strength of deodorant worn by the five people you associate with the most. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a word for the business of making it your business to know everyone’s business.  “Nosey.” 

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If someone is uncomfortable with your bottom line, tell them not to cross it. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Going to church once a week wouldn’t be so bad if the devil only attacked you one time.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Two days from tomorrow, trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and recite the lyrics to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” in a drunken Yugoslavian accent. 

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Today is a good day to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’ face.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

The smell of a combination of Noxzema and Vaseline will attract a new love interest and owner of a yak wig or dusty toupee. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You breathe vigor, fire and halitosis and are sometimes known to have the most ashiest of feet.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

In lieu of the Thanksgiving holiday, somewhere there is a turkey trying to get into the witness protection program.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A big promotion is in store for someone way more talented than you. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Balancing a plate does not constitute eating a balanced diet.

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Quote of the week:   “Wisdom is attained by learning when to hold your tongue.”