Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The condition of your life is determined by the strength of deodorant worn by the five people you associate with the most.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is a word for the business of making it your business to know everyone’s business. “Nosey.”
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If someone is uncomfortable with your bottom line, tell them not to cross it.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Going to church once a week wouldn’t be so bad if the devil only attacked you one time.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Two days from tomorrow, trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf and recite the lyrics to Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” in a drunken Yugoslavian accent.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Today is a good day to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’ face.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The smell of a combination of Noxzema and Vaseline will attract a new love interest and owner of a yak wig or dusty toupee.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You breathe vigor, fire and halitosis and are sometimes known to have the most ashiest of feet.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
In lieu of the Thanksgiving holiday, somewhere there is a turkey trying to get into the witness protection program.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
A big promotion is in store for someone way more talented than you.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Balancing a plate does not constitute eating a balanced diet.
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Quote of the week: “Wisdom is attained by learning when to hold your tongue.”