Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

In a parallel world, offering someone potato chips means you are in love with them.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Anything without strings is a bad attachment.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Five years from tomorrow you will regret something you did today.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The nerve in every human body that connects the eyeballs to the anus is called The Anal Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Your charismatic personality is sometimes mistaken for [a drunk wino that talks to himself outside of a liquor store kind of] crazy.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A sizzling romance will land in your lap and burn your middle section like hot soup.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The week will be rough and you’ll need to get away. Take a trip. Or…tie your shoe strings together and walk around an empty parking lot.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You want to go to heaven but you ain’t dying to get there.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A chicken mcnugget slowly dies every time you can’t make up your mind at McDonalds.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

At your next staff meeting, have a planned surprise party for yourself. When you show up yell, “Surprise!” Bring cake and don’t offer anyone any.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The upside of being at the bottom is that you get to look into the eyes of the person that’s falling from the top.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A catfight between two of your personalities is going to break out in the middle of a food court inside a mall.

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Quote of the week:    “Something is bound to go wrong when everyone thinks they’re right.”