Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
_________________________________________________________
Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
In a parallel world, offering someone potato chips means you are in love with them.
_________________________________________________________
Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Anything without strings is a bad attachment.
_________________________________________________________
Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Five years from tomorrow you will regret something you did today.
_________________________________________________________
Aries
March 21 – April 19
The nerve in every human body that connects the eyeballs to the anus is called The Anal Optic Nerve. It is responsible for giving people a sh*tty outlook on life.
_________________________________________________________
Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Your charismatic personality is sometimes mistaken for [a drunk wino that talks to himself outside of a liquor store kind of] crazy.
_________________________________________________________
Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A sizzling romance will land in your lap and burn your middle section like hot soup.
_________________________________________________________
Cancer
June 21 – July 22
The week will be rough and you’ll need to get away. Take a trip. Or…tie your shoe strings together and walk around an empty parking lot.
_________________________________________________________
Leo
July 23 – August 22
You want to go to heaven but you ain’t dying to get there.
_________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
A chicken mcnugget slowly dies every time you can’t make up your mind at McDonalds.
_________________________________________________________
Libra
September 23 – October 22
At your next staff meeting, have a planned surprise party for yourself. When you show up yell, “Surprise!” Bring cake and don’t offer anyone any.
_________________________________________________________
Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The upside of being at the bottom is that you get to look into the eyes of the person that’s falling from the top.
_________________________________________________________
Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A catfight between two of your personalities is going to break out in the middle of a food court inside a mall.
_________________________________________________________
Quote of the week: “Something is bound to go wrong when everyone thinks they’re right.”
