The Church Sees Red When the Choir Sings the Blues

Is it legal to talk about your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ when it comes to them getting up on the microphone to completely butcher a song on Sunday morning? Seriously, who is more at fault – the soloist for thinking they can sing when they sound more like they’re being attacked; the director/pianist for encouraging the soloist to open their mouth to do anything except eat; or the congregation for hollering and throwing their hands up in deceitful praise when they know what they’re really doing is praying for a miracle for the good Lord to send “mute buttons” down from heaven?

Whether you can actually sing or simply look pretty in a choir robe, church is the one place where it’s acceptable for you to make an ass out of yourself. Unlike the karaoke bar, no drunken lushes will boo you off the stage. Well, it kind of depends on what church you go to but that’s a whole other story. Church is the one place where you simply can not tell everyone what’s on your mind unless you have a biblical reference to back up your comments. And let’s be honest, where is the scripture for telling someone they sound a melodic mess?

Regardless of whether you’re sitting in the congregation with bleeding ears or with heavy eyes, your responsibility as a follower of your faith is to put on the cloak of mendacity for the sake of your fellow man. Sadly when church is over and that same musical monstrosity has approached you just beyond church grounds to ask how you enjoyed the selection(s), as a faith fellow church goer, you must swallow your burning cigarette butt, put your hand over your heart and lie like the devil as you tell Bro. or Sr. So & So that when they opened their mouth, rocks Angels fell from heaven. Whatever you do, just be cognizant of the weather when you begin lying through the gaps between your teeth. Rain, lightning bolts and the magnetic metal tip on the top of your umbrella will be God’s funny little way of saying, “The jokes on you.”

Always remember, lying to encouraging people is not that hard. All it takes is a little effort. Thank goodness 90% of any effort is getting started. The rest of your bullsh*t will flow like the River of Jordan.

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Quote of the week:  “A church is a place in which gentlemen that have never been to heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.”

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