Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 20-26, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t repeat anything you hear.  In fact, don’t repeat anything you say.  Ah what the hell, just don’t talk at all today. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Wearing tan pants and a matching tan turtleneck does not make you look fashionable. It makes you look like a giant condom.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

The theme for the week is, “Anything goes,” but don’t complain once it’s gone.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You may suffer a case of mistaken identity for a rejected superhero sidekick that just escaped from police custody for mooning a group of spectators at a comic book convention in Loxahatchee, Florida.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’ll receive an usual amount of misspelled letters from a bunch of sexless inmates in a Cambodian penitentiary. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The 5 hours of sleep you wasted counting the hairs on your toe knuckles last night will come back to bite you in the ass 46 minutes after reading this HORRORscope.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sometimes when you don’t know what to do the best thing to do is just stand still, unless of course you’re standing in the middle of the street during a busy rush hour.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Someone else’s ideas could really inspire you to come up with your own.  But for the sake of time, you’d do better just to steal theirs.  Hiding in bushes may be necessary for your own protection.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Exercise begins with a couple of laps around the vending machine.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today is a great day to focus on yourself, which in turn means today is no different than any other day.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Someone will not invite you to a party sooner than you think.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow? 

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Quote of the week:    “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting a bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.”

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