Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of November 27-December 3, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Congratulations!  You have just been elected mayor of Watercoolertown.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Don’t be surprised if your boss gives you a promotion before he fires you so you’d be losing a better job.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

There are two possible answers to one burning question: fruit loops and g-strings.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You ought to be happy when the grips of the world come after you because it means you have something to offer.  Freeloaders excluded.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Try not to sweat today. French fry grease may ooze out of your pores.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The term “Different strokes for different folks,” originated in the bedroom and is now often misconstrued and taken out of its original sexual context.  What a bummer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may want to avoid advising anyone on how to spend their money unless they owe you or you’re planning to rob them.  Either way your ass could get kicked. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Beware of a dog with no legs and a rattle on its tail. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Having a string of flings does not make you a lover.  It makes you easy. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today you may find that you want to spend a lot of time with someone that doesn’t have time for you. You should smack yourself in the forehead now and smell the damn coffee. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Today is tomorrow in reverse. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

After you get what you want you don’t want what you got at all.

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Quote of the week:    “Put yourself in the shoes of the rabbit’s foot that brings you good luck.  Oh wait, you can’t.  He doesn’t have any feet.” 

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