Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of January 29-February 4, 2011

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough to pose nude.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Want in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets filled first.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Using profanity in excess is like watching a naked fat man eat one too many hamburgers.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will benefit greatly from an all-pancake diet…or die trying.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A corpse does not realize it is dead.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

People that are afraid of change generally don’t change their underwear.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Red lights and stop signs will increase your urge to pee. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some women dream of marrying doctors.  Some men think they are doctors of love.  The only doctor in your future is a Dr. Pepper. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Two clean sheets can’t dirty themselves. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s either what you know that got you this far or what you don’t know that didn’t carry you where you should have been by now. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There’s nothing funnier than watching a dwarf attempt to put ballerina skirts on a set of Siamese elephants. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you put a pair of $600 shoes on a set of bad feet, all you’ve done is waste money.

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Quote of the week:    “A responsible driver honks his horn when speeding through a red light while his alcohol buzz is still fresh.” 

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been trying to get the guy that lives across the courtyard to come over so we can bump uglies.  But every time I tell him what I want to do to him with my tongue, he gives me the cold brush.  What am I doing wrong?   

~Elleesha 

Dear Elleesha, 

I’m almost sorry you asked me this question because the only nice thing I can think of to tell you is that you’re coming off too strong.  If the dude isn’t trying to hit it then you probably went a little too far when you told him what you wanted to do to him with your tongue.  

Though everyone wants to take a rumble in the sack every now and again, when you go too far into detail about your skankiness or inhibition, it’s easy to wonder who else you’re relinquishing your virtue to.  You’ve painted a bad picture of yourself.  You’ve given the conclusion of the book before he could get through the foreword and introduction.  You’ve given him nothing to look forward to.  He doesn’t have to chase you because you’ve already offered yourself up.  You’ve taken the fun out of the romp.  You have objectified him the same way most women complain about men objectifying them.  It’s too late to tell you to change your approach because you’ve already subconsciously made him question your self respect and self worth.  I’m surprised you can still walk because you shot your own self in the foot.  What you need to do is let the dust settle where it may.  If the dude is turning down the yum yum, he’s either married, gay, or just not interested in you

If you’re still not sure about what it is you’re doing wrong, go back and re-read the second sentence of your inquiry and then give yourself three reasons why you believe he [or anyone else] should take you seriously.  

I’m going to pray for you because it sounds like the only man you need right now is Jesus!   Good luck with that. 

Hottywood

Hottywood’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions

Well kats and kittens, some of us sat by with a bottle of light or dark liquor in one hand and a little white handkerchief in the other as we said goodbye to the year 2011 and welcomed the new and improved 2012.   Some of us sat in a sanctuary and drew devil horns on the stick people sketched on our bulletins that represented our fellow [church] members that have sinned more than sacrificed.  Whether you were drunk with the fruit of the vine or the yeast that’s used to produce three six packs of beer, most of us were thinking of arguably pleasant ways to flip off insignificant and irrelevant people, places and things.

Like every new year, most of us have made out a list of the dos, don’ts, whats and what nots for 2012.  If you haven’t asked yourself this question yet, here’s your chance:  What am I going do to make this year better than the last? 

Below are Hottywood’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions.  My advice to you is that you come up with your own set of resolutions unless you want to be sitting where I’m going to be sitting if my ass gets caught not successfully pulling off anything on this list.  Be careful kids, these resolutions are for the expertly trained only.  Don’t try these at home.  Ah, what the hell?  Who listens to me anyway? 

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I will no longer hide all of the toilet paper from the attendees at any private or public function I attend.  This includes but is not limited to restaurants, movie theaters and church.  No matter how funny it may be at the expense of others’ humiliation and discomfort, I will, for 165 days, refrain from this vindictive and comedic way (unless I’m just completely bored and need a good laugh).  

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As tempting as the laugh may be, I will no longer add tobasco sauce to all the bottles of ketchup at the next picnic, cookout, fast food restaurant, or Granny’s Sunday dinner party.  If I haven’t mentioned where I won’t tamper with the condiments, chances are those party goers are screwed.  It’s harder than it sounds to quit anything cold turkey.

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No matter what my facial expression may say, I promise to give every stupid person approximately 15 seconds to realize just how stupid they are before I verbalize it and make them look and feel more stupid than what they are showing me.

 

Stupid is as stupid does. 

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I promise I will spend more time teaching my dog not to be such a bitch! 

Mailmen who show up to my door step without my checks, encyclopedia book salesmen, mother-in-laws, and Jehovah’s witnesses…BEWARE! 

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I will not be one of those people that refuses to speak their mind.  If you’re ugly, I’m going to tell you.  If you stink, I’m going to tell you.  If you deserve to be trampled by a herd of angry cattle, I’m going to tell you and then arrange it. 

Oh, and if you’re talking too much, I will respectfully tell your ass to the shut the f*ck up.  What are friends for? …maybe not that, but who asked you?  Oh yeah, I did.

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I’m going to declare a national “No Pants” day just to see how quickly the fad catches on.  I’m sure there will be a lot of buzz on the holiday circuit.  There’s no doubt on that one day, there will be an influx of salary increases, office promotions, baby conceptions, relationship breakups and sexual harassment charges. 

You all can thank me for this later…or not.  

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Adventure is the name of the game! 

I will make it a point to be more advantageous in the new year.  I just have to remember not to confuse adventure with stupidity. 

Or am I thinking too much already about how to be spontaneously adventurous? 

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I’m going to try not to beat up random people on the street for wearing white after Labor Day. 

I don’t care if that fashion rule has changed over the years, I’m old skool. 

White after Labor Day translates to blood on the pavement. 

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Last but not least, I will never cut another midget’s hair again!  I have many skills, but barbering isn’t one of them.  Besides, I’m getting too old to be running from a small [no pun intended] mob of half-haired dwarfs. 

I will instead start a rogue cat grooming service.  My neighborhood carry out releases five kittens at the end of the third week in December.  I’m sure they’d much rather be badly shaven than served on a styrofoam plate next to a healthy portion of fried rice. 

“…Here kitty kitty kitty…”

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Quote of the week:    “You can not climb the ladder of success with both hands in your pocket.”

Job Vacancy Announcement

Position Title:  Personal Flunky II

Company/Contact:  Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA

Salary:  Peanuts & Bubble Gum (if you’re lucky)

Closing Date:   When the damn job is filled. Duh.

The Position:  Flunky will scratch/kiss reporting supervisors’ ass(es), jump on demand, and serve as personal jackass to CEO, CFO, President, VP, Assistant to the Assistant Administrative Assistant and Janitor of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions.  

Minimum Qualifications: One year of experience equivalent to jackass/dumb ass or two years of experience equivalent to a nobody that’s looking to be recognized for something…anything.  A Bachelor’s degree from a notable clown college or 1 year experience as an unfortunate milk crate eviction target.  Applicant will not speak unless spoken to, have no spine, no personal goals, no opinion, no friends, no life, no drama, and no chance of amounting to anything more than a talentless schmuck seeking approval from anyone who could give two sh!ts less about them.  Must be willing to rob banks and/or hold up liquor stores, work for peanuts, bubble gum (generic) and saltine cracker crumbs.  Must have strong feet or wheels on ankles (a lot of walking is required) and able to lift objects 15 lbs or greater (applicant will lift his/her ego off the floor frequently). 

Special Selection Factors:  Employment is contingent on the passing of a medical/physical examination. Must be able to work week-ends, rotating shifts and holidays as required, commanded, demanded and expected. Employment is contingent upon successful completion of a pre-employment alcohol/drug test. The test is to determine the presence of alcohol and/or illegal drugs, unauthorized prescription drugs.

Physical Abilities: Must be healthier than a dying willow tree, able to go without food and beverage for extended periods of time and maintain a high level of low self esteem. 

Preference:  Bilingual (English/Pig Latin/Ebonics) speaking skills. Physically unable to say “No.”

How to Apply:  Submit a professional resume (or something close to it) to:

Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions, 000 ½ N. Nowhere Street, 3rd Floor Basement, Anywhere I Need You To Be, USA  20101-0001   

NO PHONE OR FAX SUBMISSIONS

*As a condition of employment, employees are required upon hire to sign a drug-free workplace agreement, though duties may include getting some green from Pookie & ‘em at employer’s request.

*Following an offer of employment, and prior to starting work, individuals must have a pre-employment drug test by a physician designated by Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions. The examination will be paid for out of applicant’s pocket (Cash only. Peanuts and bubble gum not accepted).  Refusal or inability to pay for the exam will result in automatic disqualification of application consideration. 

Note:  If applicant has additional questions, don’t bother to ask.  Employers of Lazy Heifer Couch Potato Productions don’t care and won’t listen.  Hired applicant will serve LHCPP, not the other way around.