If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “There’s one in every bunch,” let me be the one to tell you that you’re not the only one. Whether you are good friends with a group of guys/gals, a barrage of church folk, or fairly courteous to a department full of coworkers, ‘One in Every Bunch’ usually singles out the one rotten apple in the barrel – the creep; the jackass; the hater; the brat; the complainer; even the whore. They are the ones that make sucking on poisonous rusty nails look kind of tasty. Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Around the way…
Everyone knows that getting to know your neighbors is a double-bladed sword. The upside is that you get to have your own personal watch dogs when you’ve partied so hard that the only thing you can see are bright lights, or when you’re so tired that your eyes only see the darkness of your closed eyelids. It’s good to have neighbors around to borrow sugar or bum a ride or to get the latest neighborhood gossip. But in every neighborhood there is one resident that should be banned from the island of normalcy. It’s usually the neighbor that blasts their music at 2am, or the neighbor that smokes weed all day and night, or the neighbor that peeks into your window or holds a glass against the wall for a better reception while you’re having sex, or the neighbor that steals your newspaper, or the neighbor that never speaks.
No matter what nuisance that [particular] neighbor holds under his/her belt, in every neighborhood there is always one neighbor that you wish would move out, either by choice or by force. If you live an apartment building, I really don’t know what to tell you. Well I do actually, but if my neighbor gets a hold of this, he’ll know I was the one that did what I’m fighting myself not to tell you to do. If you live in a house, a bag full of fresh hot doggy doo will almost always provide you the satisfaction of telling that single bad one in the bunch that their sh*t stinks.
At the office…
I could go on and on about the jerks in the office. There’s the lady that can’t do anything by herself, or the chick that asks a ton of questions just when it’s time for the staff meeting to end, or the guy that emails or calls you about twenty times a day to explain to him the basics of a Microsoft Windows application…like how to print and save. The truth of the matter is one will not and can not take up an occupation where they are not annoyed with their coworkers, unless of course they work for themselves out of their kitchen, attic, basement or backyard shed. And even still there are times when one gets irritated with one’s self. Those annoyances are to be expected. But in every office, there is one person who is the biggest asshole out of the rest.
He/She is the one whose work ethics, manners and/or attitude is synonymous with a truck stop bathroom commode after a bus load of people that ingested multiple numbers of #4 Taco Bell combo meals with fire hot sauce have bombarded the facilities with explosions of juicy ass gas and butt droppings. If you happen to work at an office with this kind of butt wipe, your best bet is to quit, or rub two stones together until you spark a fire big enough to burn that coworker’s cubicle to the ground.
It is no secret that church is a place of reverence and worship. It is a place of peace and communion with everyone’s main man, J. Christ. It is a place of good music and good preaching, or a place where everyone says “Amen” no matter how bad the music or preaching is. It is a place filled with people of like spirit and beliefs. It is also a place where you’ll find at least one person who mocks the name of all that is holy. In every church there is one brother or sister who spreads gossip like hoes spread their legs. Or one deaconess that has been with the church since the laying of the first brick whose face is permanently mugged. Or one alcoholic that comes to church only on communion Sunday for a shot of communion wine. Or one lead singer that think his/her voice is the best thing since sliced bread, only not good enough to earn himself a recording deal with a major or minor record label. Or one minister who’s tainted reputation overshadows the light that shines over the pulpit. Or one usher that falls asleep on the job. Or one kid that isn’t liked by anyone – child or adult.
If you attend a church where one of these ones attend, just put yourself out of your misery by slicing yourself to death with the edges of your church bulletin. If you’re going to die, the two best places to do it are church and the hospital. Popeyes would be the next best place to die if you just had to have three choices on your list.
At the mall…
As if shopping isn’t a hard enough task in itself, in every mall across the country, shoppers must deal with at least one person that loads all of the sale items into their shopping cart, or one shopper that buys everything one size too small in a wasted effort to lose some much necessary weight, or one shopper that refuses to try his/her clothes on inside an actual fitting room, or one shopper that pays their final bill in nothing but dimes and nickels, or one shopper that picks up a piece of merchandise with no price tag on it, prompting the cashier to leave the register to investigate the price of the product, or one shopper who talks on their cell phone loud enough for the entire store to hear the conversation, or one serial coupon shopper.
There really isn’t a way around the unsubtle shopper, unless of course you stick with online shopping and run the risk of someone hacking into your personal information, i.e. bank card, bank account, social security numbers, etc. Or you can be like one of my neighbors and just rob people on the street that have what you want. Just remember you can’t escape from karma, the police or a good ass whooping.
If you’ve never heard the expression “there’s one in every bunch,” then I am elated to be the one to introduce it to you. If after reading this post, you still don’t understand what the expression means, then you’re the one that needs to take your ass back to school to do a little bit more studying on comprehension. I guess as in everything else, in every learning circle, there is one dummy that doesn’t learn a damn thing.
Quote of the Week: “Stress is when you wake up screaming and suddenly realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.”