Hottywood’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions

Well kats and kittens, some of us sat by with a bottle of light or dark liquor in one hand and a little white handkerchief in the other as we said goodbye to the year 2011 and welcomed the new and improved 2012.   Some of us sat in a sanctuary and drew devil horns on the stick people sketched on our bulletins that represented our fellow [church] members that have sinned more than sacrificed.  Whether you were drunk with the fruit of the vine or the yeast that’s used to produce three six packs of beer, most of us were thinking of arguably pleasant ways to flip off insignificant and irrelevant people, places and things.

Like every new year, most of us have made out a list of the dos, don’ts, whats and what nots for 2012.  If you haven’t asked yourself this question yet, here’s your chance:  What am I going do to make this year better than the last? 

Below are Hottywood’s 2012 New Year’s Resolutions.  My advice to you is that you come up with your own set of resolutions unless you want to be sitting where I’m going to be sitting if my ass gets caught not successfully pulling off anything on this list.  Be careful kids, these resolutions are for the expertly trained only.  Don’t try these at home.  Ah, what the hell?  Who listens to me anyway? 

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I will no longer hide all of the toilet paper from the attendees at any private or public function I attend.  This includes but is not limited to restaurants, movie theaters and church.  No matter how funny it may be at the expense of others’ humiliation and discomfort, I will, for 165 days, refrain from this vindictive and comedic way (unless I’m just completely bored and need a good laugh).  

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As tempting as the laugh may be, I will no longer add tobasco sauce to all the bottles of ketchup at the next picnic, cookout, fast food restaurant, or Granny’s Sunday dinner party.  If I haven’t mentioned where I won’t tamper with the condiments, chances are those party goers are screwed.  It’s harder than it sounds to quit anything cold turkey.

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No matter what my facial expression may say, I promise to give every stupid person approximately 15 seconds to realize just how stupid they are before I verbalize it and make them look and feel more stupid than what they are showing me.

 

Stupid is as stupid does. 

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I promise I will spend more time teaching my dog not to be such a bitch! 

Mailmen who show up to my door step without my checks, encyclopedia book salesmen, mother-in-laws, and Jehovah’s witnesses…BEWARE! 

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I will not be one of those people that refuses to speak their mind.  If you’re ugly, I’m going to tell you.  If you stink, I’m going to tell you.  If you deserve to be trampled by a herd of angry cattle, I’m going to tell you and then arrange it. 

Oh, and if you’re talking too much, I will respectfully tell your ass to the shut the f*ck up.  What are friends for? …maybe not that, but who asked you?  Oh yeah, I did.

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I’m going to declare a national “No Pants” day just to see how quickly the fad catches on.  I’m sure there will be a lot of buzz on the holiday circuit.  There’s no doubt on that one day, there will be an influx of salary increases, office promotions, baby conceptions, relationship breakups and sexual harassment charges. 

You all can thank me for this later…or not.  

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Adventure is the name of the game! 

I will make it a point to be more advantageous in the new year.  I just have to remember not to confuse adventure with stupidity. 

Or am I thinking too much already about how to be spontaneously adventurous? 

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I’m going to try not to beat up random people on the street for wearing white after Labor Day. 

I don’t care if that fashion rule has changed over the years, I’m old skool. 

White after Labor Day translates to blood on the pavement. 

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Last but not least, I will never cut another midget’s hair again!  I have many skills, but barbering isn’t one of them.  Besides, I’m getting too old to be running from a small [no pun intended] mob of half-haired dwarfs. 

I will instead start a rogue cat grooming service.  My neighborhood carry out releases five kittens at the end of the third week in December.  I’m sure they’d much rather be badly shaven than served on a styrofoam plate next to a healthy portion of fried rice. 

“…Here kitty kitty kitty…”

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Quote of the week:    “You can not climb the ladder of success with both hands in your pocket.”

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