Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough to pose nude.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Want in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets filled first.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Using profanity in excess is like watching a naked fat man eat one too many hamburgers.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
You will benefit greatly from an all-pancake diet…or die trying.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
A corpse does not realize it is dead.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
People that are afraid of change generally don’t change their underwear.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Red lights and stop signs will increase your urge to pee.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Some women dream of marrying doctors. Some men think they are doctors of love. The only doctor in your future is a Dr. Pepper.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Two clean sheets can’t dirty themselves.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
It’s either what you know that got you this far or what you don’t know that didn’t carry you where you should have been by now.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
There’s nothing funnier than watching a dwarf attempt to put ballerina skirts on a set of Siamese elephants.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
If you put a pair of $600 shoes on a set of bad feet, all you’ve done is waste money.
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Quote of the week: “A responsible driver honks his horn when speeding through a red light while his alcohol buzz is still fresh.”
