Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough to pose nude.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Want in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one gets filled first.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Using profanity in excess is like watching a naked fat man eat one too many hamburgers.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will benefit greatly from an all-pancake diet…or die trying.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A corpse does not realize it is dead.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

People that are afraid of change generally don’t change their underwear.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Red lights and stop signs will increase your urge to pee. 

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Some women dream of marrying doctors.  Some men think they are doctors of love.  The only doctor in your future is a Dr. Pepper. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Two clean sheets can’t dirty themselves. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s either what you know that got you this far or what you don’t know that didn’t carry you where you should have been by now. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

There’s nothing funnier than watching a dwarf attempt to put ballerina skirts on a set of Siamese elephants. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If you put a pair of $600 shoes on a set of bad feet, all you’ve done is waste money.

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Quote of the week:    “A responsible driver honks his horn when speeding through a red light while his alcohol buzz is still fresh.”