Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 26-March 3, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Today you will be easily distracted by leprechauns and man-boobs…or…leprechauns with man-boobs. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

McDonald’s is a test of your will to live.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Anyone that can successfully bake red kool-aid should automatically be crowned royalty of the hood. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The guy smiling at you from the other side of the subway car isn’t flirting.  He’s releasing silent farts.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It is important to know the rules in order to know when to break them. Equally so, it is important to break some rules in order to know why they are important.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The day after today is the day food handlers across the nation have synchronized their calendars to not wash their hands after using the bathroom.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Choosing between the lesser of two evils is pointless when your ass is burning in hell.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You’ve not lived until you’ve eaten a pack of skittles from a puppy dish.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you believe in hell,  live your life so that you won’t go there.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Someone that doesn’t know anything is waiting for an opportunity to tell you, “You don’t know everything.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Allowing crazy people to make you as crazy as their crazy asses is crazy all by itself.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You must be better than you thought before you can be better than anyone else.

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Quote of the week:    “Experience is the name everyone gives their mistakes.”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I figured only you would appreciate my horrendous Valentine’s Day experience.  After rekindling communication with a past love, I decided to spend Valentine’s Day with her.  She invited me over to her place for a romantic dinner, good conversation, and what I hoped would be an overall great evening, even more so if we just happened to trip up and fall in between the sheets.  When I arrived to her house, she didn’t tell me that her father would be home spending Valentine’s Day with his two online hookups.  We all shared a horribly dry baked chicken, undercooked string beans and unsweetened lemonade.  Since that unforgettable evening, she keeps calling and texting to invite me to spend more time with her.  Is this something I should even consider? 

~Worst Valentine’s Day in 29 Years

Dear Worst Valentine’s Day in 29 Years,

I don’t know if I’m more sorry to hear that you hated your day of love or that I wasn’t there to laugh at the sh*t myself.  It sounds like it was pretty rough.  …funny but rough nonetheless.

Let the truth be told that you have no reason or need to feel compelled to do anything that your heart is obviously set against.  However despite the facts that whomever cooked the dinner is a lousy cook, the gigolo father cocked blocked what the chick shouldn’t have been trying to give up on the first date [anyway], and that she didn’t warn you that your date would be chaperoned, you probably wouldn’t have been doing anything else anyway except sitting at home getting fat off beer and cold pizza (Dominoes never delivers within 30 minutes or less) while dialing every number in your little black book in hopes that someone would be just as bored and lonely as you could have been had this girl not invited you over for dinner with her, her dad and his hooker hookups.

Instead of looking at the glass as half empty, look at it from a different perspective.  You weren’t by yourself, you weren’t bored (you couldn’t have been with all of the shenanigans that took place around you) and you didn’t have to spend any money (with the exception of the unused condoms you probably bought thinking you were going to get laid).

If you saw no sparks with this girl, or didn’t enjoy her company (or the company of her dad and his dates), or liked her cooking, or were simply disappointed that you couldn’t split her cheeks, then you don’t have to give her any more of your time than you are willing to give, although there’s no reason why you can’t maintain the re-established friendship.  Fate brought her back into your life for a reason.  Before you can figure out what that reason is you have to determine what your intentions are for her.  If you just want a hookup, obviously she’s not the one because that ain’t gonna happen, especially with her old man in the next room getting tag teamed by two broads he met off the internet.

In a short answer to your question, I don’t see why you can’t consider investing a little time in a new old friendship.  Everyone needs friends.  If you don’t want anything more from her other than the transparency of a good lay or don’t see anything evolving based on your Valentine’s Day episode, then just be honest with her and tell her what you do and don’t want, can and can’t handle or can and can’t offer.  Otherwise do what any respectable coward would do and block all her calls forever and hope you never run into her at the grocery store, because if you do you’re going to look more like a ham than any meat in the meat aisle.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 12-18, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Everyone you run into on Valentine’s Day will be good at two things: Boasting about their sex and making promises they can’t keep. It will not be a good day for hookers.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s never a good thing when a family of flies bathes in the sweat of your shirt’s armpit.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t invite anyone that sleeps around on the first date into your kitchen because you don’t know where their hands have been.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The key to failure is trying to please everybody, especially when you know there’s not a damn thing you can do.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’re going to manage to piss off a beneficiary this week. If I were you I’d ride a skateboard to work instead of driving.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The only way a bag of potato chips could be more inviting is if they came with cleavage.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A relationship that sits high on a wobbly pedestal is not as stable as it seems.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you’re wondering what to give your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, hepatitis is not it.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Passing Gas: It’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

When you think about it, a baby hurling sharp arrows at you with a crossbow is more scary than romantic.  Happy(?) Valentine’s Day…

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

This Valentine’s Day, open the washing machine door for your spouse before they wash all of your dirty ass underwear.  Chivalry doesn’t have to be dead.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

An old flame will reveal that they smoked cigarettes for 7 years before quitting by the age of 12.

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Quote of the week:    “Home is where the heart is…unless of course you’re the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz.”  

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I met a guy on Thursday and slept with him on Friday and one week later, have not heard from him.  Is it [as bad as I’m told] that I slept with him on the first date?   

~Deep Sheets 

Dear Deep Sheets, 

While it is highly recommended that you don’t open up the garage door for the first car willing to pull in, the answer to this question really depends on two things: who you ask and their personal code of ethics.  

Most women would tell you it’s not so good to sleep around on the first date because it makes you look easy.  Of course when I say “easy” I’m being delicate with my words.  The majority of women [that I know] would use alternative words like “skankish,” “classless,” “whorish,” “slutty,” and “desperate.”  Those same women would question the amount of respect you have for yourself and your body.  Because I have no breasts or a uterus I don’t exactly feel the same way.  As far as I’m concerned, women have the same sexual needs and/or desires that men have.  Unfortunately, society views female bed hoppers differently than men.  To question someone’s amount of self respect is speculation, and personal morality aside no one has a right to label you based on the freedom of your loins.  That’s your pu**y and you can give it up to anyone you want to.  However from a man’s perspective, I wouldn’t advise any woman to lay up with a dude so quickly if she expects anything more out of the relationship beyond bedroom walls.  

The short answer to your question, in my honest opinion, is that you should keep your legs closed if you expect a guy to see you in your purest light.  Most guys are not going to turn down the booty no matter when you decide to give it up.  Whatever the case you must be careful not to confuse his thinking from the head on his shoulders with the head in his pants, especially in this day and age.  In the heat of the moment no man is going to stop and question you about your integrity.  Once you take it all off the only thing he’s going to see is a flashing “WELCOME” sign hovering over a big ass vagina.  And after he’s banged your back out and has driven off into the sunset, he’s going to question who else and how many others have painted your walls, leaving your ivory snowflakes to melt in wet crimson red stains.  He may not even necessarily view you as all of the above mentioned labels but he will also not see you as potential “wife” material because you, in a matter of moments, took on the role of the “other” woman rather than the woman to settle down with. 

Now don’t get me wrong.  Not all men will scratch you off the list because of your invasive approach to sexual fulfillment.  There are cases where you don’t get the morning after call because the connection – sexual or mental – wasn’t there.  

Next time, before you jump the gun and jump in the sack with the first guy you think is sexy enough to jump your bones, you need to evaluate both you and him.  Determine what your intent is first and get a feel for where his head is (no pun intended).  You may be surprised to learn that sex has nothing to do with why he hasn’t called you, which if you ask me is a harder pill to swallow than being too easy too soon.

Hottywood

Also see:  

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 5-11, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A homeless person will invite you to dinner.  You will have to pick up the check. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Beware of anyone bearing a tattoo that reads: “Easy Around the Fun Zone”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A winner makes commitments.  A loser makes promises. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

When your bbq potato chips taste like the sweat of a junior varsity track team, that’s nature’s way of telling you it’s time to take a second look at love at first sight. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A cardboard belt is nothing but a “waist” of paper.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The trouble with keeping your feet firmly planted on the ground is that you’ll likely have trouble putting on pants.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The greatest mistake you can make is never making a mistake at all.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Stand on toilet = high on pot. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The more you try to lose weight the more it will find you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Slapping someone’s face is the new high-five.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If internet games are restricted on your office computer, collect as many cigarette singles as you can from random people during your next coffee, smoke or lunch break. Place them in your candy dish to keep score. 

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Quote of the week:    “Never insult an alligator until after you’ve crossed the river.”