Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Today you will be easily distracted by leprechauns and man-boobs…or…leprechauns with man-boobs.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
McDonald’s is a test of your will to live.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Anyone that can successfully bake red kool-aid should automatically be crowned royalty of the hood.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The guy smiling at you from the other side of the subway car isn’t flirting. He’s releasing silent farts.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
It is important to know the rules in order to know when to break them. Equally so, it is important to break some rules in order to know why they are important.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The day after today is the day food handlers across the nation have synchronized their calendars to not wash their hands after using the bathroom.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Choosing between the lesser of two evils is pointless when your ass is burning in hell.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You’ve not lived until you’ve eaten a pack of skittles from a puppy dish.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you believe in hell, live your life so that you won’t go there.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Someone that doesn’t know anything is waiting for an opportunity to tell you, “You don’t know everything.”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Allowing crazy people to make you as crazy as their crazy asses is crazy all by itself.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You must be better than you thought before you can be better than anyone else.
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Quote of the week: “Experience is the name everyone gives their mistakes.”