Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 5-11, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A homeless person will invite you to dinner.  You will have to pick up the check. 

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Beware of anyone bearing a tattoo that reads: “Easy Around the Fun Zone”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A winner makes commitments.  A loser makes promises. 

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

When your bbq potato chips taste like the sweat of a junior varsity track team, that’s nature’s way of telling you it’s time to take a second look at love at first sight. 

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A cardboard belt is nothing but a “waist” of paper.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The trouble with keeping your feet firmly planted on the ground is that you’ll likely have trouble putting on pants.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The greatest mistake you can make is never making a mistake at all.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Stand on toilet = high on pot. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The more you try to lose weight the more it will find you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Slapping someone’s face is the new high-five.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

If internet games are restricted on your office computer, collect as many cigarette singles as you can from random people during your next coffee, smoke or lunch break. Place them in your candy dish to keep score. 

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Quote of the week:    “Never insult an alligator until after you’ve crossed the river.”

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