Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of February 12-18, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Everyone you run into on Valentine’s Day will be good at two things: Boasting about their sex and making promises they can’t keep. It will not be a good day for hookers.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It’s never a good thing when a family of flies bathes in the sweat of your shirt’s armpit.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t invite anyone that sleeps around on the first date into your kitchen because you don’t know where their hands have been.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The key to failure is trying to please everybody, especially when you know there’s not a damn thing you can do.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

You’re going to manage to piss off a beneficiary this week. If I were you I’d ride a skateboard to work instead of driving.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The only way a bag of potato chips could be more inviting is if they came with cleavage.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A relationship that sits high on a wobbly pedestal is not as stable as it seems.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If you’re wondering what to give your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, hepatitis is not it.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Passing Gas: It’s better to let it out and be ashamed than to hold it back and bust a vein. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

When you think about it, a baby hurling sharp arrows at you with a crossbow is more scary than romantic.  Happy(?) Valentine’s Day…

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

This Valentine’s Day, open the washing machine door for your spouse before they wash all of your dirty ass underwear.  Chivalry doesn’t have to be dead.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

An old flame will reveal that they smoked cigarettes for 7 years before quitting by the age of 12.

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Quote of the week:    “Home is where the heart is…unless of course you’re the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz.”  

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