Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 25-31, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Imagine life before toenail clippers and then think about how lucky you are.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone is never going to forget the one thing you would rather not remember.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Any hooker will tell you that a good product sells itself.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Newspapers serve dual purposes. They keep you informed and come in handy when you need to smack a sucker on the forehead. As a bonus, they also make great bathroom entertainment.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Out of sight, out of mind…unless, of course, you’re blind or the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Then I don’t know what to tell you.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The day will be in your favor if you tape yesterday’s socks to your chin and say the following while on a subway train: “Today is going to be a good day and I’m going to love it whether I like it or not, dammit!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

There are two things up your sleeve: Tricks and Ash.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s only but so much looking busy you can do in an 8 hour work day, but you shouldn’t stop not working because no one likes a quitter. _________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Change is good…beginning with your underwear. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is a name for people who are everybody’s type – “EASY.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Times change. Bullshit doesn’t.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can get anybody to do anything you want as long as you first say, “Simon says,” or “Bitch please.” 

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Quote of the week:     “An optimist created an airplane. A pessimist created a parachute.”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been a member of a small church for a number of years. Recently one of my deepest, darkest secrets was exposed and circulated among the congregation. I am so humiliated that I’m considering changing my membership. Would you recommend I do that?     

~Skeletons Out of the Closet 

Dear Skeletons Out of the Closet,  

If your question wasn’t related to the church I’d tell you, “HELL NO! You shouldn’t change your membership!” There are two groups of people on the face of the planet that can ruffle a tail feather more than any other group: family members and church members.  If you’ve been a member of your church for a number of years then you should know first hand that the church house is full of holy-fied heathens and well-dressed short fallers.  

You don’t go to church for the sake of anyone else [unless of course you’ve just been released from prison and are forced to live in your grandmother’s basement with the sole stipulation that you take your criminal butt to church to thank Jesus for letting you out of your cellblock before your fully tatted boyfriend finally got tired of your fresh meat and passed you around to all the other inmates inside and outside of that block].  And though you go to fellowship with those of like-minded spirits, the first reason that you go to church is to commune with the main man himself, JC and develop your relationship with Him. The next is to confess your sins and lay your burdens down. The last thing you should be concerned about is any fraudulent sanctified soul stirrer that is more concerned with stirring up trouble and exposing your transgressions than they are with saving their butts from burning in an eternal pit of fire. 

Every church, including yours, no doubt, has a Deaconess Church Gossip, or Deacon Ned Wino, or Sister Midnight Creep, a Brother DL, a reformed pimp, prostitute, thief, ex-con, woman beater, and/or a habitual liar.  I say that to remind you that you are not the only one that has fallen short [in your church]. In fact, all are born into sin and no one sin is any greater than another, well…with the exception of skinless fried chicken wings.  There is no salvation for that!  

Since you are too clean in heart to curse your hypocritical holy rollers like the devil, to ease your troubled mind, refer to your bible beginning with Malachi 4:1-3.  It states:

(1) The LORD Almighty says, “The day of judgment is coming, burning like a furnace. The arrogant and the wicked will be burned up like straw on that day. They will be consumed like a tree – roots and all. (2) “But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture. (3) On the day when I act, you will tread upon the wicked as if they were dust under your feet,” says the LORD Almighty. 

Those members that seem so amused by your tainted past will have a price to pay come judgment day, and while you are standing on the other side of the pearly gates upon streets paved with gold, they will be preparing to bungee jump into the devil’s layer with no ropes, no nets, and no water to quench their thirst after their un-stealthy arrival in Tartarus.

With that said, let the people of the church say, “Ain’t nobody mad but the devil.”

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 18-24, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Just because your eyes are open doesn’t mean you’ve seen what u saw. See?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The next time you want to speak your mind, keep your mouth shut.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Limit yourself. In fact, the only thing you should do today is a whole lot more of nothing than you’d normally not do.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Having an out of body experience isn’t as weird as you think because it’s finally your chance to put a face with the voice you hear in your head.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is about to cancel their subscription because they are over your issues.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Throw your hands in the air and wave ’em like you just don’t care. If you can rub your belly and chew gum at the same time, somebody say, “Oh yeah!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’re going to get a wart on your butt the day after you tell someone to kiss your ass.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Thinking you’re sure about everything you think you might know will many times not be good enough.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you sit on a high horse for too long, eventually your crotch will ache. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Apples get really offended when you mix them with oranges.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

How you get ’em is how you lose ’em.

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Quote of the week:    “Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

Now that the weather is changing, my quiet little street is slowly turning into a playground for all of the area kids and street thugs.  Do you have any suggestions that will help to keep my neighborhood quiet and peaceful?    

~Young Old Spinster

Dear Young Old Spinster, 

In a matter of a few short weeks, every neighborhood across the nation that harbors youth ages 21 and under (and/or people eager to relive their youth) will be flooded with scantily clad females, tatted hip-hop wanna-bes and rejects, Bébé’s kids, hustlers, crackheads and police officers.  The cold chill of illustrated seasonal relationships and calorie-collecting potato chips will soon be a thing of the past as the warm weather brings out the best of the worst in people, including their [inconsiderate] volume control and other unwarranted ways.  It’s a sign that summer is coming! It’s all a part of nature and no one can fight Mother Nature.  With that said, I offer you this advice: 

(1) Move.  Contrary to what you may or may not have been told, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about the seasonal noisemakers.  

(2) Purchase a pair of earplugs.  Nine times out of ten this will not work, but in this kind of situation you may be lucky enough to convince yourself that the world around you has suddenly fallen on a ‘Mute’ button or you’ve gone completely deaf for the passing of a few seasons.  Just be careful what you ask for.  If you don’t want to hear other people they probably don’t want to hear you either, especially when it matters most [to you]. 

(3) Hang outside of your window to report all of the guilty culprits to the local authorities.  This will only work if the local authorities aren’t contributing to the noise. In my old neighborhood residents had to report the police to the police because they were just as guilty as everyone else for disturbing the peace.  Also, by keeping your head poked outside of the window, you run the risk of being branded as the nosey neighbor that nobody likes; the neighbor that has his/her car egged at least once a week; or the neighbor that gets mugged every time they take out the trash. 

(4) Be petty and purchase padded acoustical panels, foam insulation, spray-on insulation, or add an extra ½ inch of dry wall to absorb sound from the outside. In the end though, you’ll have to ask yourself if all the extra work and money spent will pay off if a hungry pitbull somehow gets into your home and mauls you, and no one on the outside hears your terrorizing screams for help.  Remember what I said in advice number two – “Be careful what you ask for…” 

(5) Finally, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!  Take your ass outside to see all the fun you’re missing. I’m pretty sure all the hype isn’t just about rowdy teenagers, sex, drugs and who knows what else.  

All in all, the people outside that are seemingly disturbing the peace are all outside doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing and that’s annoying the hell out of everyone that isn’t outside with them.  If they were in your house making all of that noise, the first thing you’d probably do is tell them to get out, right?  You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. 

Hottywood

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Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 11-17, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you have something to say now is a perfect time to keep it to yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

‘9’ is the number of times you can lie to someone before getting slapped unless money, sex or food is involved, then the magic number is ‘1’.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Beer and hot sauce is not a good mix. You will figure this out on your next visit to the bathroom.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Today you may run into the love of your life from a previous life.  They may or may not be wearing pants which could or could not be the reason why they are not your love of this lifetime.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Complementing someone’s butt is not the way to get into their head, but after a few drinks it helps. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

By the end of the day you will have mustard stains on your underwear. My crystal ball went blank when the question came up of how the hell that happened.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Don’t be fooled by good looking people. They are just boring, ugly people in disguise.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Putting your best foot forward is probably a shot in the dark if you have bad knees.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Rub two nickels together to see what happens. You will either feel like a fool for rubbing two nickels together expecting something to happen or because nothing happened at all. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today will be mostly a good day until Marshall McElworthlessingrampagen curses you out. The upsetting part of your day will be figuring out who Marshall McElworthlessingrampagen is and why he cursed you out.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t live in a world by yourself – unless you’re in prison or have the breath of a Himalayan billy goat.  Then being by yourself is probably your best bet. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

An unexpected visitor will crash your dinner-for-one party, which may not be a bad thing…unless of course you only cooked enough dinner for one person. #NoGreedies

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Quote of the week:    “Treat a woman like an angel and she’ll be your little devil.” 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of March 4-10, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s easy to get into a pair of jeans two sizes too small if you rub your butt with canola oil first.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you are like a dog with no teeth – all bark and no bite.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A message to John Doe: set yourself apart from the rest. After all, every Tom, Dick and Harry’s name is John.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The tower of an all-Spanish radio station will guide you to the answers you seek, provided you are searching for answers…and speak Spanish…and your knees are strong enough to climb to the top of a tower.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Sometimes being human is a real monster.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Tomorrow is the day you realize you don’t know everything you think you know today.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the reflection in your bathroom mirror tells you to get lost, then you are crazy because your reflection shouldn’t be talking to you in the first place, weirdo.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If a super human hamster bites you, one of two things may happen: You may get super human hamster powers or you may get rabies. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A dancer that can’t dance is like a potato chip that doesn’t crunch.  

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today there may be a strong battle between your gut feeling and your thick skull that could leave your butt very sore.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your body is a temple where junk food goes to worship. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are impatient and pushy and get a kick out of setting people’s toenails on fire. 

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Quote of the week:    “Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands, and then eat just one of those pieces.”