Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

It’s easy to get into a pair of jeans two sizes too small if you rub your butt with canola oil first.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

This week you are like a dog with no teeth – all bark and no bite.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A message to John Doe: set yourself apart from the rest. After all, every Tom, Dick and Harry’s name is John.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The tower of an all-Spanish radio station will guide you to the answers you seek, provided you are searching for answers…and speak Spanish…and your knees are strong enough to climb to the top of a tower.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Sometimes being human is a real monster.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Tomorrow is the day you realize you don’t know everything you think you know today.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If the reflection in your bathroom mirror tells you to get lost, then you are crazy because your reflection shouldn’t be talking to you in the first place, weirdo.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

If a super human hamster bites you, one of two things may happen: You may get super human hamster powers or you may get rabies. 

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

A dancer that can’t dance is like a potato chip that doesn’t crunch.  

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today there may be a strong battle between your gut feeling and your thick skull that could leave your butt very sore.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your body is a temple where junk food goes to worship. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You are impatient and pushy and get a kick out of setting people’s toenails on fire. 

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Quote of the week:    “Strength is the ability to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands, and then eat just one of those pieces.”