Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

If you have something to say now is a perfect time to keep it to yourself.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

‘9’ is the number of times you can lie to someone before getting slapped unless money, sex or food is involved, then the magic number is ‘1’.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Beer and hot sauce is not a good mix. You will figure this out on your next visit to the bathroom.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Today you may run into the love of your life from a previous life.  They may or may not be wearing pants which could or could not be the reason why they are not your love of this lifetime.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Complementing someone’s butt is not the way to get into their head, but after a few drinks it helps. 

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

By the end of the day you will have mustard stains on your underwear. My crystal ball went blank when the question came up of how the hell that happened.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Don’t be fooled by good looking people. They are just boring, ugly people in disguise.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Putting your best foot forward is probably a shot in the dark if you have bad knees.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Rub two nickels together to see what happens. You will either feel like a fool for rubbing two nickels together expecting something to happen or because nothing happened at all. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today will be mostly a good day until Marshall McElworthlessingrampagen curses you out. The upsetting part of your day will be figuring out who Marshall McElworthlessingrampagen is and why he cursed you out.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You can’t live in a world by yourself – unless you’re in prison or have the breath of a Himalayan billy goat.  Then being by yourself is probably your best bet. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

An unexpected visitor will crash your dinner-for-one party, which may not be a bad thing…unless of course you only cooked enough dinner for one person. #NoGreedies

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Quote of the week:    “Treat a woman like an angel and she’ll be your little devil.”