This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

Now that the weather is changing, my quiet little street is slowly turning into a playground for all of the area kids and street thugs.  Do you have any suggestions that will help to keep my neighborhood quiet and peaceful?    

~Young Old Spinster

Dear Young Old Spinster, 

In a matter of a few short weeks, every neighborhood across the nation that harbors youth ages 21 and under (and/or people eager to relive their youth) will be flooded with scantily clad females, tatted hip-hop wanna-bes and rejects, Bébé’s kids, hustlers, crackheads and police officers.  The cold chill of illustrated seasonal relationships and calorie-collecting potato chips will soon be a thing of the past as the warm weather brings out the best of the worst in people, including their [inconsiderate] volume control and other unwarranted ways.  It’s a sign that summer is coming! It’s all a part of nature and no one can fight Mother Nature.  With that said, I offer you this advice: 

(1) Move.  Contrary to what you may or may not have been told, there isn’t a damn thing you can do about the seasonal noisemakers.  

(2) Purchase a pair of earplugs.  Nine times out of ten this will not work, but in this kind of situation you may be lucky enough to convince yourself that the world around you has suddenly fallen on a ‘Mute’ button or you’ve gone completely deaf for the passing of a few seasons.  Just be careful what you ask for.  If you don’t want to hear other people they probably don’t want to hear you either, especially when it matters most [to you]. 

(3) Hang outside of your window to report all of the guilty culprits to the local authorities.  This will only work if the local authorities aren’t contributing to the noise. In my old neighborhood residents had to report the police to the police because they were just as guilty as everyone else for disturbing the peace.  Also, by keeping your head poked outside of the window, you run the risk of being branded as the nosey neighbor that nobody likes; the neighbor that has his/her car egged at least once a week; or the neighbor that gets mugged every time they take out the trash. 

(4) Be petty and purchase padded acoustical panels, foam insulation, spray-on insulation, or add an extra ½ inch of dry wall to absorb sound from the outside. In the end though, you’ll have to ask yourself if all the extra work and money spent will pay off if a hungry pitbull somehow gets into your home and mauls you, and no one on the outside hears your terrorizing screams for help.  Remember what I said in advice number two – “Be careful what you ask for…” 

(5) Finally, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!  Take your ass outside to see all the fun you’re missing. I’m pretty sure all the hype isn’t just about rowdy teenagers, sex, drugs and who knows what else.  

All in all, the people outside that are seemingly disturbing the peace are all outside doing exactly what they’re supposed to be doing and that’s annoying the hell out of everyone that isn’t outside with them.  If they were in your house making all of that noise, the first thing you’d probably do is tell them to get out, right?  You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. 

Hottywood

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