Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Just because your eyes are open doesn’t mean you’ve seen what u saw. See?
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
The next time you want to speak your mind, keep your mouth shut.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Limit yourself. In fact, the only thing you should do today is a whole lot more of nothing than you’d normally not do.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Having an out of body experience isn’t as weird as you think because it’s finally your chance to put a face with the voice you hear in your head.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Someone is about to cancel their subscription because they are over your issues.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Throw your hands in the air and wave ’em like you just don’t care. If you can rub your belly and chew gum at the same time, somebody say, “Oh yeah!”
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You’re going to get a wart on your butt the day after you tell someone to kiss your ass.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Thinking you’re sure about everything you think you might know will many times not be good enough.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If you sit on a high horse for too long, eventually your crotch will ache.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Apples get really offended when you mix them with oranges.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
How you get ’em is how you lose ’em.
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Quote of the week: “Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
