Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Just because your eyes are open doesn’t mean you’ve seen what u saw. See?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

The next time you want to speak your mind, keep your mouth shut.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Limit yourself. In fact, the only thing you should do today is a whole lot more of nothing than you’d normally not do.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Having an out of body experience isn’t as weird as you think because it’s finally your chance to put a face with the voice you hear in your head.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Someone is about to cancel their subscription because they are over your issues.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Throw your hands in the air and wave ’em like you just don’t care. If you can rub your belly and chew gum at the same time, somebody say, “Oh yeah!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’re going to get a wart on your butt the day after you tell someone to kiss your ass.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Thinking you’re sure about everything you think you might know will many times not be good enough.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If you sit on a high horse for too long, eventually your crotch will ache. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Apples get really offended when you mix them with oranges.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

How you get ’em is how you lose ’em.

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Quote of the week:    “Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”