This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I’ve been a member of a small church for a number of years. Recently one of my deepest, darkest secrets was exposed and circulated among the congregation. I am so humiliated that I’m considering changing my membership. Would you recommend I do that?     

~Skeletons Out of the Closet 

Dear Skeletons Out of the Closet,  

If your question wasn’t related to the church I’d tell you, “HELL NO! You shouldn’t change your membership!” There are two groups of people on the face of the planet that can ruffle a tail feather more than any other group: family members and church members.  If you’ve been a member of your church for a number of years then you should know first hand that the church house is full of holy-fied heathens and well-dressed short fallers.  

You don’t go to church for the sake of anyone else [unless of course you’ve just been released from prison and are forced to live in your grandmother’s basement with the sole stipulation that you take your criminal butt to church to thank Jesus for letting you out of your cellblock before your fully tatted boyfriend finally got tired of your fresh meat and passed you around to all the other inmates inside and outside of that block].  And though you go to fellowship with those of like-minded spirits, the first reason that you go to church is to commune with the main man himself, JC and develop your relationship with Him. The next is to confess your sins and lay your burdens down. The last thing you should be concerned about is any fraudulent sanctified soul stirrer that is more concerned with stirring up trouble and exposing your transgressions than they are with saving their butts from burning in an eternal pit of fire. 

Every church, including yours, no doubt, has a Deaconess Church Gossip, or Deacon Ned Wino, or Sister Midnight Creep, a Brother DL, a reformed pimp, prostitute, thief, ex-con, woman beater, and/or a habitual liar.  I say that to remind you that you are not the only one that has fallen short [in your church]. In fact, all are born into sin and no one sin is any greater than another, well…with the exception of skinless fried chicken wings.  There is no salvation for that!  

Since you are too clean in heart to curse your hypocritical holy rollers like the devil, to ease your troubled mind, refer to your bible beginning with Malachi 4:1-3.  It states:

(1) The LORD Almighty says, “The day of judgment is coming, burning like a furnace. The arrogant and the wicked will be burned up like straw on that day. They will be consumed like a tree – roots and all. (2) “But for you who fear my name, the Sun of Righteousness will rise with healing in his wings. And you will go free, leaping with joy like calves let out to pasture. (3) On the day when I act, you will tread upon the wicked as if they were dust under your feet,” says the LORD Almighty. 

Those members that seem so amused by your tainted past will have a price to pay come judgment day, and while you are standing on the other side of the pearly gates upon streets paved with gold, they will be preparing to bungee jump into the devil’s layer with no ropes, no nets, and no water to quench their thirst after their un-stealthy arrival in Tartarus.

With that said, let the people of the church say, “Ain’t nobody mad but the devil.”


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