Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Imagine life before toenail clippers and then think about how lucky you are.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Someone is never going to forget the one thing you would rather not remember.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Any hooker will tell you that a good product sells itself.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Newspapers serve dual purposes. They keep you informed and come in handy when you need to smack a sucker on the forehead. As a bonus, they also make great bathroom entertainment.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Out of sight, out of mind…unless, of course, you’re blind or the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Then I don’t know what to tell you.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The day will be in your favor if you tape yesterday’s socks to your chin and say the following while on a subway train: “Today is going to be a good day and I’m going to love it whether I like it or not, dammit!”
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
There are two things up your sleeve: Tricks and Ash.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
There’s only but so much looking busy you can do in an 8 hour work day, but you shouldn’t stop not working because no one likes a quitter. _________________________________________________________
Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Change is good…beginning with your underwear.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
There is a name for people who are everybody’s type – “EASY.”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Times change. Bullshit doesn’t.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You can get anybody to do anything you want as long as you first say, “Simon says,” or “Bitch please.”
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Quote of the week: “An optimist created an airplane. A pessimist created a parachute.”
