Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Imagine life before toenail clippers and then think about how lucky you are.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone is never going to forget the one thing you would rather not remember.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Any hooker will tell you that a good product sells itself.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Newspapers serve dual purposes. They keep you informed and come in handy when you need to smack a sucker on the forehead. As a bonus, they also make great bathroom entertainment.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Out of sight, out of mind…unless, of course, you’re blind or the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz. Then I don’t know what to tell you.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The day will be in your favor if you tape yesterday’s socks to your chin and say the following while on a subway train: “Today is going to be a good day and I’m going to love it whether I like it or not, dammit!”

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

There are two things up your sleeve: Tricks and Ash.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

There’s only but so much looking busy you can do in an 8 hour work day, but you shouldn’t stop not working because no one likes a quitter. _________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Change is good…beginning with your underwear. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

There is a name for people who are everybody’s type – “EASY.”

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Times change. Bullshit doesn’t.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You can get anybody to do anything you want as long as you first say, “Simon says,” or “Bitch please.” 

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Quote of the week:     “An optimist created an airplane. A pessimist created a parachute.”