Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 29-May 5, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The Book of Charlie Sheen 1:1 reads: “No man has ever gotten into a woman’s pants by discussing skin cancer.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is nothing scarier than sitting on a bus filled with people that pretend they don’t talk to themselves.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You might be surprised at the response a homeless man may give you for offering him your dirty underwear.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It takes twice as much energy to swing and miss than it does to swing and hit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Nothing says “I love you” like a used snot rag.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The fate of a decision you can not make alone rests in the hands of one that can not afford a lawyer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Counting to ten in a tense situation only buys you more time to react.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An upside down building is bad for business.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t pick cherries with your back to the tree.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Orange is the new black if you are either a jack-o-lantern or color blind.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Consider the consequences of pride over moral before punching the daylights out of a man that compares you to a salad dressing stain on a table cloth.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

One day the change in your pockets will be replaced with the number of pounds you’ve gained from every cupcake you’ve ever eaten.

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Quote of the week:    “What good is a pencil with no lead?”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

Lately my friends (if that’s what you want to call them) have been giving me a lot of flack for going to restaurants alone.  Does that make me look pathetic?  

~Entourage 

Dear Entourage, 

Eating alone in public doesn’t make you look pathetic. It just makes you look as if you have no friends, which is only pathetic if in fact you have no friends. 

Seriously, there’s nothing wrong with eating alone – especially if you have a bunch of voices in your head to keep you company. Instead of looking at the loneliness of eating at a table for one, look on the bright side. There’s more food for you; you don’t have to worry about anyone else’s unwashed hands dipping onto your plate; and you don’t have to pretend to care about a meaningless, pointless, and uninteresting conversation, which in turn gives you more time to count the number of times you chew your food. And if these aren’t enough reasons to keep your confidence up while all the partnered up peeps are staring at you dine by yourself, keep in mind that your friends may be giving you a lot of flack because they’re either too cheap or too poor to go out to eat with you. 

PS, if you need someone to go out to eat with you, just give me a call.  YOU pay and I’ll pick-pocket someone for the tip!  Deal? 

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

This passed weekend I went on a date with a guy that I knew was a loser. To be completely honest with you, I was horny and thought I could get my battery jumped. The problem with the date was there weren’t any sparks and as a result I didn’t get laid. Still, when I showed up to work this morning he was waiting in front of my office with a dozen long stemmed roses, which to me makes him look a little too eager and totally creeps me out. Is there a nice way to tell him to drop dead?    

~Ten Thousand Mile Warranty

Dear Ten Thousand Mile Warranty, 

There is no nice way to tell anyone to drop dead [unless you say “Please,” or “Simon Says,”] but let’s be honest. If you want [to tell] someone to drop dead, how nice do you really want to be? No one will take your request for demise seriously if you say it with a smile. Being nice is what brought his creepy ass to your office with a dozen thorn adorned roses, presumably because your niceness led him to believe something that was not, is not or will never be.  

Here are a few suggestions for dumping your zero once and for all.  

First rule of thumb: Don’t give him enough respect to dismiss him face-to-face. If he was sweet enough to bring you flowers after a sour date, he’s probably bitter enough to punch you in the face for doing a tropical rain dance all over his shattered little heart, which may not be all bad. You can always take out a restraining order against him if things get physical. Keep in mind though that when things get that far it becomes more of a chore to look at the negative as a positive, especially if you have one or two black eyes. 

  1. Give him the kiss of death in a text message filled with ebonic slang and unrecognizable acronyms like “CMAAIFYBWEE” which means “Call Me Again and I’ll Fill Your Bed with Electric Eels.
  2. Sending a smoke signal is a good way to get your point across, but only after you’ve set fire to some of his personal property.  

The first two suggestions probably aren’t as nice as you’d like, given your specific inquiry, so the last option may digest a little better than the others.  

  1. Send him a singing telegram telling him that you smelled his man parts through his jeans and that the stench turned you off more than the date itself.  

If he still chases after you after any one of the three suggested options, call Pookie and ‘em to launch a trash bag full of tennis balls one at a time through his bedroom window during odd hours of the night. Make sure those tennis balls are covered in fingernail glue so that he’ll cut the palms of his hands (from the broken window glass) when he reaches to pick them up. If that doesn’t do the trick, nothing will.  

Be sure to let me know how things work out for you!  

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 22-28, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

How much money would you have saved to last you for the rest of your life if you died tomorrow?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never buy seafood from a clown.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

It doesn’t make sense to run from the rain – especially if you’re a stripper and it’s raining $1 bills.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Spoiler Alert:  The little engine that could did.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A wizard without a lair is like a telephone without a cord.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t be surprised if while accidentally cutting through barbed wire you find yourself on a nude beach.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You will find the love of your life inside a cage at the zoo sniffing his own poop.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Putting a canary and a skunk in a sealed paper bag ends with the same result as washing down a bran muffin with a cup of day old coffee.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You don’t want to get your Sunday’s finest dirty with the mess you get into Monday through Saturday.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

How can you do your own job if you are too busy doing someone else’s? And how can they do their job if you won’t let them?

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your faux pas personality is sometimes confused with your counterfeit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will have trouble with your vision this week thanks to a pair of unusually bushy eyebrows.

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Quote of the week:    “If you aren’t sure about anything else, be sure that you can’t be sure about everything.”

Obama, West Collaborate Presidential Election Campaign Album: “If I Ruled the World”

President Barack Obama is under fire for his recent election campaign collaboration album with hip hop artist Kanye West.  

The album entitled “If I Ruled the World,” according to an anonymous Obama administration source, is said to be the Commander-in-Chief’s attempt to fall next in line to conjugate with reality star Kim Kardashian, who is rumored to be featured on the LP’s second track, conveniently titled “What an Armenian She-Devil Won’t Do for a Buck.”   

The unlikely alliance between the self-proclaimed king of pop and the political giant stuns music lovers and politicians alike and tailgates the president’s second grade-school name calling antics, reaffirming the ever humble West as a “jackass.” 

In September 2009 Obama memorably christened West a jackass after the hip hop mogul hammer jacked Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, leaving the country chanteuse to stain her overpriced studded gown with tears of embarrassment. 

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I recently made a reconnection with a former BFF. Four years ago we lost contact based on her lousy communication skills. To sum up our relationship, she was a super nice person that turned out to be a user, a liar and someone that only shared half of any story, although she was admittedly the funniest person I’ve ever met. We’ve been chatting via email for the past week now and I’m beginning to see that much like the past, she’s slowing down on the communication trail and leaving gaps in her stories. I’m not sure if I want to relive the stress of losing [what I thought was] a best friend. Should I fight for this rekindled friendship or let the chips fall where they may?  

Golden Girl 

Dear Golden Girl, 

It sounds to me as if this person isn’t much of a friend at all, much less a best friend. A best friend wouldn’t lie to you or use you. Right now the only person doing any lying is you, and you’re only lying to yourself. If you think things are the same as they were four years ago, they probably are. If there’s anything the voices in my head have taught me, it’s that people change; bullshit doesn’t.  Eventually your feet will get tired from walking the same fine line. Unless this friend is the only friend you’ve ever had or will ever expect to have, don’t waste your time begging her to befriend you. What are you, 11?  

Many things change in a four year span. Many people come and many people go. The last thing you need to do to yourself is relive troubles once lived in a yesteryear. Don’t look at this friendship for what it could have been or what you’d like it to be, especially when what you need to see is written on a wall. If this person doesn’t value your friendship then let it be what it is. Based on your description of this lying user that only shares half of a story, you’re better off leaving her ass on the other side of the computer screen, anyway. 

The bottom line is there’s no point in you lowering your standards to meet those of a person that hasn’t grown to where you are. When it comes to friends it’s always best to remember that friendship, like money, is easier made than kept.

Hottywood

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

I have been stuck at a dead end job for about 10 years. I make just enough money to pay my bills each month, but that is about it. Every now and then I moonlight as a personal assistant to a few indie artists, but am scared to venture out and do it full time. But lately I have been feeling like I am caught between a dream and a job. Any advice for me? 

~Caught Up…

Dear Caught Up…, 

Delving into any unfamiliar territory is about as simple as ice skating while wearing a pair of roller skates.  Even though it may not be easy, it’s not completely impossible. All it takes is a little imagination, determination and a lot of butt pads.  The good news is falling on your ass will make you appreciate standing on your feet.  I graduated from a school of the arts and got the highest degree possible from the school of life. What my educators taught me is that if you can visualize it, you can bring it to fruition. 

You’d be a fool to quit a stable job for something that isn’t yet promised.  Though some may call you a weirdo, now is the perfect opportunity to tie your bathrobe around your neck and call it a cape. 

Picture it:  By day you are a drone paid to push papers for a company that recognizes your last name based on an employee identification number.  By night you are a superhero that goes beyond the call of duty to please, promote and assist indie artists. 

Until you are able to establish yourself as a full time personal assistant to the stars, you are going to have to live a double life for a while, which means more work for you.  You need to keep that dead end job in order to support the little things like keeping the cable on, feeding the goldfish and making sure you can afford to keep your unmentionables washed. While you’re at work performing the necessities of keeping the president of the I Don’t Want To Be Here Club happy, take note of the process of business so that you are equipped with the knowledge you need to treat yourself like a business.  In all of the moments you have of doing nothing when your day job has smashed against a mountain of down time, use that time to do your research for the work you really want to do. You want to know the ins, the outs, the ups, the downs, the rights, the wrongs, the maybes and the maybe nots of what it is you’d rather be doing instead of what it is you’re doing now.  Once you’ve gathered the information that you need, start building your clientele. Let your work speak for itself.  Experience is a good teacher. You’re going to make a few mistakes in the beginning but that’s natural. Those mistakes are necessary so that you don’t fuck up in the end. Finally, promote yourself. Nobody knows you and what you’re capable of better than you. Once you put your name out there, it won’t be so simple to turn around with your tail caught between your legs. 

Success doesn’t come overnight unless you win the lottery and happen to be a farmer living somewhere in a rural part of Oregon, so you’re going to have to be patient.  If you want something bad enough, the only way you’re going to get it is to go get it. But in order to get it your desire for success has to be stronger than your fear of failure.

Hottywood