Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
A man dressed in all black whose last name is White will bruise your ego black and blue, which might leave you seeing red.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you can name three advantages of replacing your feet with your hands, you’re weird and are probably never asked to bring anything to parties.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You will get entangled in an invisible spider web the size of a sumo wrestler on an all pizza diet the moment you buff your medals before a group of sportsmen with none.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Do not accept a job offer from any company that requires you to rate your work ethics on a bathroom scale of number one and number two.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Wanting so badly what you don’t need will leave you with a lot more of what you can’t afford to have.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
A man that lives in a world all by himself can’t dial 911 in the event of an emergency.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Anybody holding a box of krispy kreme donuts is cute by default.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
The toughest choice to make is making the same choice again.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Everyone shits from the same end except people with halitosis. Then things get complicated.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
A lie makes a pretty little liar very unattractive.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Tomorrow is turn-around-day and your alarm clock is going to punch you in the forehead for an extra five minute snooze.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Same shit. Different toilet.
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Quote of the week: “Fashion is what one wears oneself. What is unfashionable is what other people wear.”