Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A man dressed in all black whose last name is White will bruise your ego black and blue, which might leave you seeing red.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you can name three advantages of replacing your feet with your hands, you’re weird and are probably never asked to bring anything to parties.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You will get entangled in an invisible spider web the size of a sumo wrestler on an all pizza diet the moment you buff your medals before a group of sportsmen with none.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Do not accept a job offer from any company that requires you to rate your work ethics on a bathroom scale of number one and number two.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Wanting so badly what you don’t need will leave you with a lot more of what you can’t afford to have.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

A man that lives in a world all by himself can’t dial 911 in the event of an emergency.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Anybody holding a box of krispy kreme donuts is cute by default.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

The toughest choice to make is making the same choice again.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Everyone shits from the same end except people with halitosis. Then things get complicated.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A lie makes a pretty little liar very unattractive.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Tomorrow is turn-around-day and your alarm clock is going to punch you in the forehead for an extra five minute snooze.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Same shit. Different toilet.

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Quote of the week:    “Fashion is what one wears oneself.  What is unfashionable is what other people wear.”