Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of April 22-28, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

How much money would you have saved to last you for the rest of your life if you died tomorrow?

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Never buy seafood from a clown.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

It doesn’t make sense to run from the rain – especially if you’re a stripper and it’s raining $1 bills.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Spoiler Alert:  The little engine that could did.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

A wizard without a lair is like a telephone without a cord.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Don’t be surprised if while accidentally cutting through barbed wire you find yourself on a nude beach.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You will find the love of your life inside a cage at the zoo sniffing his own poop.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Putting a canary and a skunk in a sealed paper bag ends with the same result as washing down a bran muffin with a cup of day old coffee.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You don’t want to get your Sunday’s finest dirty with the mess you get into Monday through Saturday.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

How can you do your own job if you are too busy doing someone else’s? And how can they do their job if you won’t let them?

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Your faux pas personality is sometimes confused with your counterfeit.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will have trouble with your vision this week thanks to a pair of unusually bushy eyebrows.

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Quote of the week:    “If you aren’t sure about anything else, be sure that you can’t be sure about everything.”

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