This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

This passed weekend I went on a date with a guy that I knew was a loser. To be completely honest with you, I was horny and thought I could get my battery jumped. The problem with the date was there weren’t any sparks and as a result I didn’t get laid. Still, when I showed up to work this morning he was waiting in front of my office with a dozen long stemmed roses, which to me makes him look a little too eager and totally creeps me out. Is there a nice way to tell him to drop dead?    

~Ten Thousand Mile Warranty

Dear Ten Thousand Mile Warranty, 

There is no nice way to tell anyone to drop dead [unless you say “Please,” or “Simon Says,”] but let’s be honest. If you want [to tell] someone to drop dead, how nice do you really want to be? No one will take your request for demise seriously if you say it with a smile. Being nice is what brought his creepy ass to your office with a dozen thorn adorned roses, presumably because your niceness led him to believe something that was not, is not or will never be.  

Here are a few suggestions for dumping your zero once and for all.  

First rule of thumb: Don’t give him enough respect to dismiss him face-to-face. If he was sweet enough to bring you flowers after a sour date, he’s probably bitter enough to punch you in the face for doing a tropical rain dance all over his shattered little heart, which may not be all bad. You can always take out a restraining order against him if things get physical. Keep in mind though that when things get that far it becomes more of a chore to look at the negative as a positive, especially if you have one or two black eyes. 

  1. Give him the kiss of death in a text message filled with ebonic slang and unrecognizable acronyms like “CMAAIFYBWEE” which means “Call Me Again and I’ll Fill Your Bed with Electric Eels.
  2. Sending a smoke signal is a good way to get your point across, but only after you’ve set fire to some of his personal property.  

The first two suggestions probably aren’t as nice as you’d like, given your specific inquiry, so the last option may digest a little better than the others.  

  1. Send him a singing telegram telling him that you smelled his man parts through his jeans and that the stench turned you off more than the date itself.  

If he still chases after you after any one of the three suggested options, call Pookie and ‘em to launch a trash bag full of tennis balls one at a time through his bedroom window during odd hours of the night. Make sure those tennis balls are covered in fingernail glue so that he’ll cut the palms of his hands (from the broken window glass) when he reaches to pick them up. If that doesn’t do the trick, nothing will.  

Be sure to let me know how things work out for you!  

Hottywood

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