Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
The Book of Charlie Sheen 1:1 reads: “No man has ever gotten into a woman’s pants by discussing skin cancer.”
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
There is nothing scarier than sitting on a bus filled with people that pretend they don’t talk to themselves.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
You might be surprised at the response a homeless man may give you for offering him your dirty underwear.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
It takes twice as much energy to swing and miss than it does to swing and hit.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Nothing says “I love you” like a used snot rag.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
The fate of a decision you can not make alone rests in the hands of one that can not afford a lawyer.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Counting to ten in a tense situation only buys you more time to react.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
An upside down building is bad for business.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can’t pick cherries with your back to the tree.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Orange is the new black if you are either a jack-o-lantern or color blind.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Consider the consequences of pride over moral before punching the daylights out of a man that compares you to a salad dressing stain on a table cloth.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
One day the change in your pockets will be replaced with the number of pounds you’ve gained from every cupcake you’ve ever eaten.
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Quote of the week: “What good is a pencil with no lead?”
