Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

The Book of Charlie Sheen 1:1 reads: “No man has ever gotten into a woman’s pants by discussing skin cancer.”

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is nothing scarier than sitting on a bus filled with people that pretend they don’t talk to themselves.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

You might be surprised at the response a homeless man may give you for offering him your dirty underwear.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

It takes twice as much energy to swing and miss than it does to swing and hit.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Nothing says “I love you” like a used snot rag.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

The fate of a decision you can not make alone rests in the hands of one that can not afford a lawyer.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Counting to ten in a tense situation only buys you more time to react.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

An upside down building is bad for business.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can’t pick cherries with your back to the tree.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Orange is the new black if you are either a jack-o-lantern or color blind.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Consider the consequences of pride over moral before punching the daylights out of a man that compares you to a salad dressing stain on a table cloth.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

One day the change in your pockets will be replaced with the number of pounds you’ve gained from every cupcake you’ve ever eaten.

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Quote of the week:    “What good is a pencil with no lead?”