This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,

My roommate is lazy, greedy and messy. He doesn’t cook, clean or buy groceries. I can’t afford to put him out but I’m coming dangerously close to slipping an eviction notice under his bedroom door. Any advice on what I should do? 

~Chazz 

Dear Chazz, 

Some would josh you and refer to your troubling inquiry as a perfect reason to live by yourself. Since those persons are nothing more than nosey jackasses that hold no rights over your affairs, I am going to join you in raising my voice to tell those meddling folks to mind their own damn business.  

Before you do anything or nothing else at all you have to sit down with your roommate and tell him just how trifling he is. After and only after you’ve voiced your concerns should you take dirty matters into your own hands and force to him to live within the confines of your expectations.  

The first thing you want to do is stock your cupboards with nothing but cornflakes. Doing so will save you loads of money in groceries and will undoubtedly knock off any unnecessary weight gained from winter seasons or stress eating. You’d be surprised at the number of ways there are to prepare cornflakes.  Whether baked, fried, sautéed, or barbequed, I guarantee your roommate will think you’ve either lost your job or your mind.  If you’re not big on cornflakes, a second option would be to replace all of the meat in the house with parakeet treats.  Unless your roommate is a giant greedy bird, guilt, anger, frustration or starvation will compel him to pick up the slack with the groceries, even if that means buying and cooking only his own food and leaving you to fend for yourself. 

Since he refuses to clean up, you may have to remind him why it is important to do so. I always say “I can show you better than I can tell you,” and that’s exactly the advice I’m extending to you today. When he’s out of the house doing whatever it is he does while you’re doing all of the things he doesn’t do at home, scoop a stray cat up from the streets and rub its hair all over your roomie’s pillows. This act will hold more weight if he’s allergic to cats. In fact take it a step further and rub the cat against everything in the house except for whatever is in your room. Your roommate will have no other choice but to clean up the entire house or die from the allergy attacks. 

No shared living arrangement is as easy as television makes it look. Sometimes feeling comfortable in the home you share with another requires a little effort. Luckily for you and anyone trapped in a situation similar to yours 90% of any effort is getting started. And if that’s not enough there’s always solace in knowing Hottywood Helps!

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