Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Being loud and wrong doesn’t make you right. It just lets everyone around you know you’re proud of not knowing what the hell you’re talking about.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Your day will get interesting when you run into a woman on the train who doesn’t/didn’t/won’t bother to kill a horse before gluing it onto her scalp.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Don’t be too dumb to learn there are some things worth knowing that can not be taught.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Someone that thinks you think you know everything doesn’t think you think they know anything except for the foolery they think you think they think.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
If you appreciate poetry written on a gas station bathroom wall you probably shouldn’t write for Hallmark unless Booty Call Week becomes a national holiday. Still, one can dream.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
You haven’t lived until you’ve died inside a fortune cookie factory.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You’ll find out the true content of someone’s character the first time you tell them “No,” although that probably won’t happen until the morning after, when you’ve sobered up and seen them for the first time in actual light.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
You want to go to heaven but you ain’t dying to get there.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
You can kill two birds with one stone by calling a carry out delivery man instead of an exterminator.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
A smart mouse looks for new cheese when the cat’s away. An even smarter mouse knows the cat isn’t going anywhere but to the litter box.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A watched witch always manages to have one flour lump too many in the cauldron gravy.
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Quote of the week: “Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk that desperately deserves it.”
