Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Being loud and wrong doesn’t make you right. It just lets everyone around you know you’re proud of not knowing what the hell you’re talking about.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your day will get interesting when you run into a woman on the train who doesn’t/didn’t/won’t bother to kill a horse before gluing it onto her scalp.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Don’t be too dumb to learn there are some things worth knowing that can not be taught.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Someone that thinks you think you know everything doesn’t think you think they know anything except for the foolery they think you think they think.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

If you appreciate poetry written on a gas station bathroom wall you probably shouldn’t write for Hallmark unless Booty Call Week becomes a national holiday. Still, one can dream.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You haven’t lived until you’ve died inside a fortune cookie factory.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You’ll find out the true content of someone’s character the first time you tell them “No,” although that probably won’t happen until the morning after, when you’ve sobered up and seen them for the first time in actual light.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

You want to go to heaven but you ain’t dying to get there.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You can kill two birds with one stone by calling a carry out delivery man instead of an exterminator.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

A smart mouse looks for new cheese when the cat’s away. An even smarter mouse knows the cat isn’t going anywhere but to the litter box. 

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A watched witch always manages to have one flour lump too many in the cauldron gravy.

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Quote of the week:   “Stress is the confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk that desperately deserves it.”