Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
Wishing to be your own boss could wind up with you switching bodies with your supervisor. And everyone wants to beat him up in the parking lot.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
If you don’t believe lessons are learned the hard way, cross the street without looking both ways first.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
Whether you cash your checks at a bank or a liquor store, money still spends the same.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Just because someone gives you gifts don’t mean they care. They’re just paying you in advance for a favor they’re going to ask of you later.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Throwing a drink in someone’s face in a night club or restaurant does not make you classless. Wasting booze makes you classless.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If a blind panhandler compliments your outfit after you’ve given him $.50, you’ve been screwed.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
Sometimes it’s better to out snob the snob rather than clobber the clod.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Be careful about putting too much trust in someone that wants what you have.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
If the hair on your tongue is long enough to braid you’re probably single and will be for a very long time.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Four little words hold power great enough to determine the outcome of your week: “bra straps” and “tube socks.”
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
The key to financial success rests behind a ski mask and a convenient store cash register.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You will be stuck in a 24 hour time loop of the exact moment you took your first bowel movement of the day.
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Quote of the week: “‘What goes up must come down,’” is probably not a cliché a man wants to say or a woman wants to hear before or during the process of getting laid.
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