Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

_________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Wishing to be your own boss could wind up with you switching bodies with your supervisor. And everyone wants to beat him up in the parking lot.

 _________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

If you don’t believe lessons are learned the hard way, cross the street without looking both ways first.

_________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Whether you cash your checks at a bank or a liquor store, money still spends the same.

_________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

Just because someone gives you gifts don’t mean they care. They’re just paying you in advance for a favor they’re going to ask of you later. 

_________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Throwing a drink in someone’s face in a night club or restaurant does not make you classless. Wasting booze makes you classless.

_________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If a blind panhandler compliments your outfit after you’ve given him $.50, you’ve been screwed.

_________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Sometimes it’s better to out snob the snob rather than clobber the clod.

_________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Be careful about putting too much trust in someone that wants what you have.

_________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

If the hair on your tongue is long enough to braid you’re probably single and will be for a very long time.

_________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Four little words hold power great enough to determine the outcome of your week: “bra straps” and “tube socks.”

_________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

The key to financial success rests behind a ski mask and a convenient store cash register.

_________________________________________________________

Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You will be stuck in a 24 hour time loop of the exact moment you took your first bowel movement of the day. 

_________________________________________________________

Quote of the week:    “‘What goes up must come down,’” is probably not a cliché a man wants to say or a woman wants to hear before or during the process of getting laid.