Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
It’s more frustrating to lose your keys than it is to lose your mind because most people that lose their mind don’t know it’s gone.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
A stupid smart person will accidentally ruin one of your dumb plans on purpose.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
There are a handful of actual rocket scientists in the world. You are not one of them.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The next time someone starts a sentence with, “The least you can do,” in an effort to reprimand you, stop them in their tracks and remind them that the least you can do is nothing.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Taking a course that teaches you how to skip work/school/church sounds like an easy “A” except for the “F” you get just for showing up.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
Spandex is the devil for anyone that can’t say “No” to potato chip-filled cupcakes.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
If a bald headed street cleaner accidentally throws you into a giant trash dumpster, that should tell you something.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
In the last hour of your work day, all the hair around your private parts will either turn gray or fall out.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Why wait until tomorrow to do what you ought to be doing today when you have all next week to avoid it?
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
There is always at least one goat mixed in with every herd of sheep.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
You won’t be able to resist the temptation of blurting out “Ghostbusters!” when a police sergeant asks you, “Who you gonna call?” after you’ve been booked for drunk driving.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
You can’t be better than everybody if you’re just like everybody else.
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Quote of the week: “Every cow needs his tail more than once.”
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