When Rev. Hottywood Presides Over a Ghetto Wedding…

Pastor Hottywood:      

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here in Grandma Gertrude’s kitchen in the sight of Jesus Christ, aka, Heaven’s very own DJ JC, and in the presence of all gathered witnesses, to join these two ninjas, Shereef Cupcake Starboots and Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III in holy matrimony, which is an honorable estate, instituted by DJ JC in the time of man’s innocence (at least all the shit we don’t know), signifying to us this mystical union of one reformed whore and pimp.

This union is not to be entered into lightly or inadvisably, but rather reverently, discreetly, and in the fear of the neighborhood police, Pookie and the Loan Sharks, and God. Into which holy estate Shereef and Dequan come now to be joined and to unite two hearts and lives and cookie jars filled with stolen liquor store money, blending all interest, sympathies, hopes and brass knuckles. I charge and entreat you, therefore, in entering upon and sustaining this hallowed union, to seek the favor and blessing of Him whose favor is life, whose blessing maketh rich and addeth no sorrow. Let us now seek His blessing. 

Please bow your heads but hold your purses and wallets tightly. We don’t trust anyone in this neighborhood when our eyes are closed.  

Dear Heavenly Father, we beseech Thee to come by Thy grace to this marriage. Give to these who marry a due sense of the obligations they are now to assume, so that with true intent, and with utter unreserve of love, or love of the baby that Ms. Shereef has growing inside of her since the pajama party at Lil Ray Ray’s bachelor pad seven months ago, that they may plight their troth, and be henceforth helps, meet for each other while they journey through life, as long as Dequan isn’t punching Shereef in the mouth for not bringing home all of the hump money. This we ask in DJ JC’s name. Amen. 

Who gives this ho, Shereef Cupcake Starboots , in Holyish Matrimony to Pimp Daddy Dequan? 

Father of the Bride:      

I do, your highness. Darnell Motherflanker. 

Pastor Hottywood:        

I charge you both as you stand in the presence of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the voice that only speaks to me when no one is looking, to remember that true love, loyalty and the amount of cash you trade for sex with strangers, will avail as the foundation of a happy home. If the solemn vows you are about to make be kept inviolate, and if you steadfastly endeavor to do the will of your heavenly Father, your lives will be full of joy, and the home you are about to establish will abide in peace, so long as you not fall behind on your rent. 

No other human ties are more tender, no other vows are more sacred than those you are about to assume, except those of Dequan’s other two wives. You are entering into the holy estate which is the deepest mystery of experience, and which is the very sacrament of divine forced emotion from an unplanned pregnancy. 

Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III, will you have Shereef Cupcake Starboots to be your awfully wedded wife, to live together on weekends after DJ JC’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony; will you love her, comfort her, not beat her regularly, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health so long as you don’t catch what she’s got, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her unless someone comes along with a price tag large enough to change your mind, so long as you both shall live? 

Dequan:                       

 I guess so. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Shereef Cupcake Starboots, will you have Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III to be your awful husband to live together on weekends after DJ JC’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony; will you submit to him, serve him, service him and all his pals, honor, and keep him, in sickness and in health and promise not to spread your legs or germs to any other man whose credit Dequan does not check first, and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him, until he pimps you out and forces you to contradict the lyrics of these vows so long as you both shall live? 

Shereef:                       

Fuck yeah! 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Dequan, what pledge do you give of the sincerity of your vows? 

Dequan:                       

The same ring I gave to my first and second wife. They’re standing over by the refrigerator. Hey ya’ll!  

Pastor Hottywood:      

Shereef, do you accept this ring as a pledge of the sincerity of Dequan’s vows? 

Shereef:                       

I better or else he’ll kick my ass.  Sike, yeah I do. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Dequan, repeat after me: With this ring I thee wed. And with all my worldly goods, including the candy I stole from your sister’s baby last week, I thee endow. In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the voice that speaks to Pastor Hottywood when no is around. AMEN. 

Dequan:                       

“With this ring I thee wed. And with all my worldly goods, including the candy I stole from your sister’s baby last week, I thee endow. In the name of the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and the voices that speaks to Pastor Hottywood when no is around. AMEN.” 

Pastor Hottywood:      

And may this circlet of pure gold-plate which has no end, be henceforth the chaste and changeless symbol of your evermore impure and changeless affection, the same as it was to the other hoes you married and never divorced. 

Shereef, what pledge do you give of the sincerity of your vows? 

Shereef:                       

A rolex watch that I ordered from the back of a comic book. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Dequan, do you accept this fake ass watch as a pledge of the sincerity of Shereef’s vows? 

Dequan:                       

I guess. 

Pastor Hottywood:      

Shereef, repeat after me:  This watch I give you is a token and pledge of my sometimes constant faithfulness and ownership of half of everything that you earn and steal. AMEN. 

Shereef:                       

“This watch I give you is a token and pledge of my sometimes constant faithfulness and ownership of half of everything that you earn and steal. AMEN.” 

Pastor Hottywood:      

May these symbols given be the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual bond which unites your two hearts in loveless lust that has no end. Forasmuch as Shereef and Dequan have consented in unholy wedlock, and have thereto confirmed the same by giving and receiving each one a fake ring and watch; by the power vested in me as minister of Mount Mattress Bedside Holy Tabernacle, I now declare you husband and wife.  You may now remove your gum and kiss the bride!  

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the President and First…ahem…Third lady of the project’s hoe stroll, Mr. and Mrs. Dequan Matthis Jenkins, Jr. III. 

 

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4 thoughts on “When Rev. Hottywood Presides Over a Ghetto Wedding…

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