Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

When someone stops telling you, “You are too smart for your own good,” they are being nice enough not to call you flat out stupid.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

“Playing someone at their own game,” is French for “stooping to their level.”

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you knew what you were doing you wouldn’t have done what you just did.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Look at it this way: It’s not as simple as people say it is to get over yourself when your head is so high in the clouds.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

“All that’s done in the dark will soon come to light,” doesn’t apply to a blind man.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

If Americans are claimed to be one of the most obese people in the world, reducing cake consumption is technically un-American, right?

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

A fool by definition is anyone that mistakes an enima bottle for an economy sized bottle of eye drops.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Shoes are overcoats for socks with holes in them, but you won’t notice until one falls and the other drops.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Road rage is codename for driving with passion. 

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Bait you a hook for a fish you can fry.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Anyone that says they wouldn’t do it to you if you were the last person on Earth is technically correct, because if you were the last person on Earth you’d be alone.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

A double fudge chocolate chip bacon ranch cheeseburger could either change your life or end it.

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Quote of the week:    “It’s not normal for your eyebrows to feel bloated.”