Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
When someone stops telling you, “You are too smart for your own good,” they are being nice enough not to call you flat out stupid.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
“Playing someone at their own game,” is French for “stooping to their level.”
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you knew what you were doing you wouldn’t have done what you just did.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
Look at it this way: It’s not as simple as people say it is to get over yourself when your head is so high in the clouds.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
“All that’s done in the dark will soon come to light,” doesn’t apply to a blind man.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
If Americans are claimed to be one of the most obese people in the world, reducing cake consumption is technically un-American, right?
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
A fool by definition is anyone that mistakes an enima bottle for an economy sized bottle of eye drops.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Shoes are overcoats for socks with holes in them, but you won’t notice until one falls and the other drops.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
Road rage is codename for driving with passion.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
Bait you a hook for a fish you can fry.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Anyone that says they wouldn’t do it to you if you were the last person on Earth is technically correct, because if you were the last person on Earth you’d be alone.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
A double fudge chocolate chip bacon ranch cheeseburger could either change your life or end it.
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Quote of the week: “It’s not normal for your eyebrows to feel bloated.”