This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I met the most beautiful girl last week using an online dating service. In the last few days we have really connected – and not just sexually. She spent the night at my house one evening and we just laid in bed (naked) and talked, even though I did try to bump uglies. Since then though, she’s asked me to give her a photograph of myself to show to her mother. She also popped up at my house unannounced [while I was sleep]. When I didn’t answer the door, she fondled with the [door] lock and windows until she found my patio door unlocked. When I woke up from my sleep she was standing next to my bed. Should I be worried or flattered by her persistence?  

~Tied Down by a Ball and Chain 

Dear Tied Down by a Ball and Chain, 

Far be it from me to tell anyone how to conduct their social life. Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t meddle in anyone’s personal affairs, unless of course I’m invited to do so. Your inquiry is my formal invitation. But because I know how delicate the heart is I won’t scare you off. It sounds like you have a woman in your life that is quite capable of scaring the crap out of you with no help needed. 

It goes without saying that meeting anyone on the internet is risky, although there is no one sure way to find guaranteed true love. If I do nothing else I wish you the best of luck in love. I also wish that you’d go somewhere to get your head examined because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this whole scenario sounds like a trip to the emergency room (or coroner’s office) waiting to happen.  

If I were you I’d begin by investing a little time to investigate this chick. If only after a few days she’s ready and willing to introduce you to her mama, you should probably put on a pair of specs and see the red flag waving before your eyes. You have no reason to meet her family until you’ve stuck around long enough to know that she’s the one for you. You being the one for her is one thing, but before you can shackle your hip to hers, you need to look out for yourself first. If she’s ready to bring you home to her family after approximately 168 days, that’s a clear sign that her elevator may not reach the roof and there are no brakes to keep it from crashing to the bottom floor. Presumably that’s not enough of a warning sign for you. Otherwise you would have saved the ink in your pen from penning this question, so let’s delve a little deeper. 

Her showing up at your house unannounced is a number one rule breaker for anyone who demands respect for privacy. Her entering your house without your knowledge is illegal, not to mention bold, dangerous and crazy. That act alone questions her respect for your privacy. What if you were in the house boning some other chick? You probably wouldn’t have any balls to bone anyone else today because there would be a strong possibility that she’d own them and have them stored in a jar on a top shelf in a closet in a shed hidden in the woods. 

My word of advice to you is to: 

A)    Leave this crazy bitch alone. She has two strikes against her in one week. The third strike may not leave you so lucky.

B)     Investigate her background before you go any further. …while you still can. These four words should motivate you: Kathy Bates in “Misery.”

C)    Be honest with her and tell her that her psychotic actions are scaring the shit out of you. Then duck and cover or run for your life because no one likes to be called crazy, especially a crazy person!

D)    Tell her not to pull any more stunts like this unless she’s expecting a cap in her ass, then buy yourself a shotgun, a crossbow or a canon. 

In case I’ve given you too much to chew on for your simple question, you should not be flattered by the actions of this woman. If she found you attractive, I’m sure some other woman will, too. Perhaps one that will not break into your house and hover over your bed while watching you silently as you sleep. You should, my friend, be worried. In fact I’m worried for you. If you need a place to crash and hide while she’s out hunting you like Elmer Fudd hunts Bugs Bunny, don’t call me. That’s not to say I don’t have your back because I do. I just have it from afar. Way, way afar!

Hottywood

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