Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

For a chili dog you live. For a chili dog you’ll die.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

It will be revealed that you are about as romantic as a snowman.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

If you can’t be smart, be careful.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The person that’s so busy telling you what you need to do needs to pray that you don’t feel a need to punch him in the nose.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Anyone that can afford to buy ten lottery tickets a day has no business trying to borrow money for a pack of cigarettes.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

It doesn’t take a huge spotlight to draw attention to sweat stain under your arms.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You may be outfoxed by a rat.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Sometimes you have to open a liquor bottle to see the beauty in things your eyes refuse to look at.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

The heart is not a treasure for anyone whose heart is made of stone.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

If someone tells you, “You have the voice of running water,” make sure they aren’t referring to sewer water.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Pooping in your pants reminds you of the child you used to be. It reminds everyone else to stay the hell away from you until you wash your butt. 

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

The chance of you being attacked by a wild ostrich is…

Chance³ (x+2) + Chance³ (x-4) = 3

Chance³ (x+2) (x-4) = 3

3³ = (x+2) (x-4)

27 = x² – 4x + 2x – 8

x² – 2x – 35 = 0

(x-7) (x+5) = 0

 x = 7  x = -5

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Quote of the week:    “Expect nothing, hope for everything, and be grateful for anything that you get in between.”