Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot.
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Capricorn
December 22 – January 19
For a chili dog you live. For a chili dog you’ll die.
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Aquarius
January 20 – February 18
It will be revealed that you are about as romantic as a snowman.
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Pisces
February 19 – March 20
If you can’t be smart, be careful.
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Aries
March 21 – April 19
The person that’s so busy telling you what you need to do needs to pray that you don’t feel a need to punch him in the nose.
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Taurus
April 20 – May 20
Anyone that can afford to buy ten lottery tickets a day has no business trying to borrow money for a pack of cigarettes.
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Gemini
May 21 – June 20
It doesn’t take a huge spotlight to draw attention to sweat stain under your arms.
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Cancer
June 21 – July 22
You may be outfoxed by a rat.
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Leo
July 23 – August 22
Sometimes you have to open a liquor bottle to see the beauty in things your eyes refuse to look at.
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Virgo
August 23 – September 22
The heart is not a treasure for anyone whose heart is made of stone.
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Libra
September 23 – October 22
If someone tells you, “You have the voice of running water,” make sure they aren’t referring to sewer water.
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Scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Pooping in your pants reminds you of the child you used to be. It reminds everyone else to stay the hell away from you until you wash your butt.
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Sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
The chance of you being attacked by a wild ostrich is…
Chance3 (x+2) + Chance3 (x-4) = 3
Chance3 (x+2) (x-4) = 3
33 = (x+2) (x-4)
27 = x2 – 4x + 2x – 8
x2 – 2x – 35 = 0
(x-7) (x+5) = 0
x = 7 x = -5
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Quote of the week: “Expect nothing, hope for everything, and be grateful for anything that you get in between.”
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