Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 29-August 4, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Daytime television may motivate you to realize how much time you waste doing nothing.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

A man that defends himself in court has a fool for a lawyer and a jackass for a client.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Skinny dipping is a way for two or more consenting adults to practice baptizing.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

When there is only one road to travel no one gets lost unless someone is an idiot.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

If you talk about people you don’t know or places you’ve never been, chances are you talk too much.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You need to know everyone that dips their fingers in a community pot, especially if there are no napkins.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

You will receive a traffic citation for texting while street racing a blind man on a bike.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

It takes a special man or woman to get his/her butt hairs braided at an African hair gallery.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

You may suffer from an acute case of turrets syndrome of belching.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will get laryngitis in the middle finger and will be unable to tell anyone to f%ck off for three days.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

$hit inevitably hits the fan with every enormous dose of boiled eggs.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Don’t call out of work tomorrow with an excuse of being sick. Rather call out blind because you just won’t see it happening.

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Quote of the week:    “Change is inevitable – except from a vending machine.”

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This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood,  

I’ve been hollering at this girl for the last two weeks. The positive is that she’s a nice girl. A pretty girl. The negative is that since we’ve been talking, all she talks about is sex. Naturally I want to hit it but contrary to what she thinks (or wants) I have more to offer than just di-k. In theory she could very well be the one but I never thought I would have to mould my soul mate. That isn’t gay or anything is it?  

After Hours 

Dear After Hours 

Not wanting to discuss sex with this chick (or anyone, for that matter) 24/7 doesn’t make you gay. It makes you mature. To be quite honest with you, it’s refreshing to hear from a dude with more than just pu—y on his mind. 

I’m not going to tell you that this broad isn’t the perfect one for you, but if you’re in doubt after 14 days, chances are you aren’t too far off the mark. After all, men [and women] know when they’ve met the one after the first date…even more commonly after the first 15 minutes of conversation. 

You can either tell her how you feel and give her a chance to discover another kind of conversation other than what she picked up from old Vanessa Del Rio movies or you can bone her and move on. Be warned that if you choose door #2, and the sex turns out to be as good as she anticipates, you will have a whole other problem on your hands so it’s probably best that you have a sit down with her and tell it like it is! As long she continues to wear her vagina on her sleeve, chances are she’s going to have this same problem with the next man in her life. And it’s most likely that the next man won’t have his morals in check like you seemingly do. 

If you don’t feel like wasting your breath explaining to her that there’s more to life than lube, rubbers or raw boning, screw her and leave $20 on the nightstand after the deed is done. Maybe she’ll feel cheap enough to re-evaluate her whore-like tendencies. You will have gotten some ass and [presumably, if she doesn’t like the emotionless treatment] she’ll feel too used to call you again. It’s a win/win for you provided she doesn’t pass some kind of an STD on. That’s the chance you’ll take for following the instinct of the head in your pants versus the one on your shoulders.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 22-28, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

A man with no nose unsurprisingly believes his shit doesn’t stink.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

There is a higher power watching over you. It’s called the Government.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Your idea of a fun weekend is watching underwear spin in the dryer.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

The person standing next to you steals loose grapes from the super market and hides them in his socks.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Rum is to coke what bricks are to windows.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Someone with the breath of armadillo chips will change your life in ways unimaginable.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If you’re going to be called a liar, you might as well make an effort to deserve the name.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Dirt is nature’s final food.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Eating crow doesn’t give you indigestion. It just leaves feathers in your throat.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

It’s time to make an appointment with an eye doctor when you start confusing a mouth full of cold sores with beauty marks.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

A person that doesn’t like to be told what to do gets offended when you tell them to have a nice day so don’t bother.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Anyone with sense is someone you need to hang around. However those sensible people feel the same way, so if you have no sense, you’re short.  

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Quote of the week:    “Don’t insult a mall cop. He carries a flashlight and he’s not afraid to use it.”

This Week on, “Ask Hottywood!”

Dear Hottywood, 

Not too long ago I got myself wrapped up in a financial bind. I turned to my family for help – I’m still determining if that was a good idea or not. Since turning to them all of my business has been circulating amongst the family circuit. I’m tempted to withdraw my request for help, although I still need it. What should I do?  

Strapped for Cash 

Dear Strapped for Cash, 

Everyone needs help. I know how stressful it can be to need help and have to deal with petty bullshit on top of the stress you’re already dealing with. But let’s face facts – and these are your words, not mine – “I’m tempted to withdraw my request for help, although I still need it.” You need to swallow either your pride or a big chunk of humble pie and get over yourself long enough to steer clear of this bind you’re tangled up in. Why do I say that? 

  1. If all your business is circulating among your family, you’ve nothing to hide. The damage is done.
  2. If your family is helping you get your priorities straight, it shouldn’t matter who’s telling your business. That’s most likely the least of your concerns. If they’re helping you, especially financially, they’ve paid for their right to discuss your affairs. At least that’s the way they see it.
  3. You should be more worried about getting yourself out of your bind than protecting your ego. Own up to the mistake you’ve made then learn from it so you don’t be the same fool twice.
  4. Being adamant about your privacy is going to make you look crazier than the mess you’ve gotten yourself into because you’re putting your focus on a less pressing concern. 

Family is going to talk about you. That’s what they do. You need to stand on your head and look at the Kool Aid glass as half full instead of half empty. If they are discussing your business behind your back, who cares? They’ve probably been discussing you before all this mess got started and will continue to do so when it’s all said and done. You’re still getting the help you need right? Suck it up and take the bitter with the street. They’re getting the satisfaction of having some juicy gossip while you’re getting the satisfaction of having someone do for you that which you can’t do for yourself. It may feel unfair but it’s an even trade. 

Rest in the comfort of knowing that everyone screws up from time to time and for every good and bad thing that you do, someone has or will do something better or worse. Take a chill pill and relax. Before you know it you’ll be the one talking about someone behind their back. Then the world can revolve around you and everything will be back to normal.

Hottywood

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 8-14, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Don’t boast about what you don’t do because chances are you’ve done it before or will do it [again]. #theneversayneversyndrome

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Someone that says liquor never touched their lips probably sipped it from a straw.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

Anyone that has lost power any time during the summer should be inspired to live right so they don’t wind up spending eternity in hell.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

Getting rid of yesterday’s outdoor smell requires more effort than accidentally spilling a glass of water in your lap.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

It defeats the purpose to hide unmanageable hair underneath a nappy wig.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

Some people learn to be old gossips at a very young age.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

If a dog will bring a bone, he’ll take a bone.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Excuses are only good to the people that make them.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

It’s a crime punishable by death to steal fries from a customer’s bag at McDonalds. …or at least it should be.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

Today is your day to A) tell people where to go and B) get the crap beaten out of you.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You are likely to lose three minutes [too long] of your life listening to someone ramble about something you don’t care about.

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Today you may spend more time with someone that you love just as much as flies love swatters.

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Quote of the week:    “Stress believes everything is an emergency.”

New Trend Alert! Shades of Concern: 100% Genuine Interest or Synthetic Nosiness

In this day and age, you never really know who is genuine or not, or as the rowdy kids at almost every bus stop across the nation would say, “real” or “fake.” It wasn’t more than five minutes ago when fake eyelashes, silicone breasts, botox injections, and synthetic hair dominated the world. Only a mere few short seconds later fashion took another turn in the form of faux concern, draping the streets with hues of “How are you?” and “What’s wrong?” instead of red carpets. These trends are adorned by many at every turn made – family functions, office settings, church affairs, and especially neighborly interaction (over the fence sidebar conversations, sugar borrowing, etc.). 

With the strong impact that today’s pop culture has on society, the question rests in the pockets of those that wear the faux pas solicitude. Are the questions of concern made out of 100% genuine interest or manufactured see-through nosiness?  

The Shades of Concern:  

Family Phone Tree:

(GRAY) – Not necessarily black and white

When it comes to family, one may ask “What’s wrong?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” but one never knows if the answers to the burning questions will swing on the branches of a family phone tree. 

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Seeking Godly Counsel:

(WHITE or RED) – Heaven and/or Hell

When it comes to members of most churches in this era, the only one with the answers to the questions you seek is Jesus. A wise man once said, “Hell is filled with people with good intentions.” 

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Office Personnel Status:

(PINK) – As in pink slip

When your coworkers and colleagues ask you about the details of your personal life, the general concern usually revolves around what kind of leave you’re going to use to get out of work for the day – sick, slick, vacation, comp or non-illness related – and why. Soon after, they do a background check followed by the brightest pink slip you’ve ever seen. Once you’ve been canned, see how many coworkers ask if there’s anything they can do to help. They’ll be more concerned with who gets your swivel chair. 

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Neighborhood Watch:

(BROWN) – Earth tones could be equivalent to “living under a rock” or “getting hit with a rock”

Usually neighbors live their lives through the people that live in the homes next door, and then exploit them to the neighbors that occupy the house(s) across the street. The only time you can trust them is when they pay you to watch their pets. If they ask you what’s wrong, something’s not right. 

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Peer Counseling:

(PLAID) – You never know what color you’ll get so why not throw them all on at the same time

Kids want to show general concern for their peers but they also thrive on gossip. One can’t put too much weight on adolescent behavioral inquiries. Up until the senior year of high school, those inquiries and their effects build character. So does getting jumped on the playground at 3 o’clock. Watch what you say and to whom. 

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Psychiatric Sessions:

(GREEN) – Time is money

If you need some serious advice, it’s always best to go to someone that barely knows you; someone that won’t judge you; or someone that is paid to care. The scariest thing about therapists though is that you never know if they’re crazy, considering they listen to everybody’s problems all day. But they aren’t so crazy that they won’t charge you for listening to you go on and on about all the voices in your head. In fact that’s not crazy at all. That’s smart.

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Like most fashionable trends, it’s sometimes hard to tell the real people from the fake and equally so to differ good intentions from bad. Still, no matter how you squeeze it, like spandex, it doesn’t work for everyone.

Often times ingenuity is just another fat chance.

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Quote of the Week:  “Mistrust the man who finds everything good, the man who finds everything evil and still more the man who is indifferent to everything.”

 

 

 

Hottywood’s HORRORscopes: Week of July 1-7, 2012

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes as revealed by the moon and the sun, and the itch on the bottom of his foot. 

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Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Learn how to forgive people, unless that person is someone that puts his/her hands inside your bag of potato chips without your permission. Those are fighting words.

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Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

All dogs go to heaven except those that walk on two legs.

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Pisces

February 19 – March 20

A little danger is tonic for the soul.

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Aries

March 21 – April 19

To a heavy drinker beer is like a favorite uncle that lives in the refrigerator.

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Taurus

April 20 – May 20

80% of people go to church for the sermon. 10% go for the music. 9% go to make fun of the deaconess’ wigs. You go for the communion wine.

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Gemini

May 21 – June 20

To fools and blind men you are everything you pretend to be.

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Cancer

June 21 – July 22

Contrary to popular belief, you can not buy a can of whoop ass at the grocery store, even though they are often handed out in the parking lot.

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Leo

July 23 – August 22

Botox injections are needles full of lies.

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Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Your reputation precedes itself if no one bothers to waste their time asking you what you’d do for a Klondike bar.

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Libra

September 23 – October 22

You will hit the lottery at the precise moment dog poop turns white.

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Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Police cars, funerals and Aaron Neville concerts are the least ideal places to ask yourself “What’s the worst that can happen?”

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Sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Any single person who licks himself in public like a puppy is most likely single for that very reason.

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Quote of the week:    “In case you feel self conscious about your looks, don’t. There’s at least one person who likes what they see…even if they are the only person.”